A journal of healing

Posts tagged ‘trauma’

4th of July Liberties

 

I was born in America. I have never experienced anything but the freedoms we have here in this country. I do not know any better and so I take it for granted. I am disgusted by piss-poor politicians and can be vocal about my feelings. I am entitled. I take for granted the rights and liberties we have. But I am proud to be an American.

However, I hate the way we celebrate this holiday with fireworks. I personally love the display and the colors. But I hate the noise. It upsets my little Cookie.

Last night we were all sitting in the garden as is our ritual before bed. The dogs take a walk around the yard. We call it the perimeter check. And then we sit for a bit and meditate. There were a few little pops in the distance and Cookie was a bit nervous but still quiet. Then a neighbor set off a huge firework which exploded right over the garden. She panicked.

We ran inside and she took off for the bedroom. I had prepared for this and had the air conditioner and fans going. We crawled into bed and she crawled on top of me and shook. I finally calmed her down and she fell asleep next to me but in my arms. I thought we were ok when another one went off. She again crawled on top of my chest and buried her face in my arms. Finally they stopped and she fell asleep attached to me on my side.

I know everyone has the right to celebrate. I wish they would go back to making fireworks illegal in NY. There are enough displays that are set off by the municipalities to enjoy. I am sure tonight and the next night will be even worse for my little dogs. Browny does not seem to get upset by the noise. But he does get upset when Cookie is upset.

I wish I could teach them something I just learned. I am taking a class to become a Certified Trauma Professional. This class has taught me so much about PTSD and trauma. It is taught by Dr. Eric Gentry, who is an internationally recognized leader in the field of disaster and clinical traumatology.

He teaches that people cannot feel the effects of stress or trauma in a relaxed body. Seems so simple. But he explains in length how the human body is always reacting to triggers of some kind. People who have had extended periods of some form of trauma are in a hypervigilant mode all the time. There are chemical reactions in the brain and the parasympathetic and sympathetic systems go into over drive.  In short, our body is in control.

He explains that we need to be aware that this is always on in one degree or another. And we react by constricting our muscles all day. An example is when at the end of the day, you neck and shoulders are way up and hurt and you have no idea why. It is the constriction of the muscles that you held in a clench all day. We clench our muscles everywhere. It is one cause of leg cramps and back pain.

It is common now for people to understand the concept of just take a breath. Dr. Gentry talks about the power of just taking a breath. He talked about other methods for getting control. But the method I think is amazing and it works is called the pelvic floor relaxation. First you have to become aware of the muscles in you hip area. Do a few kegal exercises by squeezing the muscles that can stop you when you pee. Now just completely relax that area completely. Do that several times a day. Concentrate on those muscles being relaxed when something stressful is happening and you will find you won’t be as stressed.

The issue is that the effect only lasts for a very short time. This is something you have to do all the time. It only takes a second and no one knows you are doing it. Another method to use  is called the wet noodle. This is where you go absolutely limp in a chair for ten seconds. It is like a mini vacation. The effect of being in a relaxed body is how people are learning to deal with PTSD and every day stress.

I wish I could teach my little pup this. But for her, the only comfort is a dark quiet room and being held by her Mommer.

Trauma informed

little girl

I have spent a great deal in the past months seeing a variety of doctors for various reasons. At every visit, every time, the patient care-tech brings me back to the visiting room to wait for the doctor. It is their responsibility to weigh, check blood pressure and ask a few questions. One of those questions is the medical community’s answer to being trauma informed. It misses by a huge mark.

Being trauma informed simply means being sensitive to a patient’s history or the possibility of the patient being in a dangerous living situation. We are talking domestic violence, and all forms of abuse: mental, physical and sexual at any age. Being a trauma informed  means everyone on your team from the receptionist to the doctor is sensitive to how they treat a patient. Some may say this is over the top but the concept is very important to the true wellness of all patients.

For example, the patient who keeps coming back with bruises or injuries from falls. Very suspicious if the patient is only forty. Maybe not so for someone who is eighty. But in the case of the eighty year old, she or he may have a care giver who has been frustrated in having to provide care and pushes them to make them move faster, or hits them when they spill things. And the patient is not going to do anything about it because the next step is being forced into a nursing home. They are living in an abusive home and are trapped. They certainly are not going to be forth coming about it.

Patients who have experienced domestic violence of any form will react differently to the way someone approaches their safety bubble. What I mean by this is that everyone has a comfort zone for how close people can get and how comfortable they are being touched. Some people are huggers and touchers and love to get close to anyone, including a stranger. People who have been abused have much larger safety zones and very often do not want to be touched. This not wanting to be touched can range from the patient being able to tolerate it by disassociation or the patient who has a panic attack at the mere thought of having to be touched, which often leads them to not go to the doctor when they really need to.

It an attempt to becoming trauma informed, our local medical center has all providers asking about the safety of their patients? It is a useless attempt to meet a standard. First of all, it is not the doctor who asks this question. It is the care-tech, the gum chewing little twenty-something who is trying to beat a record of some kind by seeing how fast she can get patients in the rooms ready for the doctor. They change regularly and even so, I doubt highly any patient who is in a domestic violence situation is going to open up to that individual as if they are going to be able to do anything. AND… it is none of their business. The lack of sensitivity to the situation of an actual abuse situation is very typical. Unless there has been some form of specific training done with people who are asking that question, simply asking the question almost makes it worse. What are they going to do if a patient says, “no I am not safe. My husband routinely comes home drunk and beats the shit out of me and then rapes me.” The response to that can make or break the patient. The care-tech’s only course of action would be to type ABUSED into the chart. That works!

I would love to know how asking this question, “do you feel safe in your living environment” is the proper opening for a patient to disclose something so humiliating and degrading as being abused. And how many providers are even trained to handle the situation past the physical? Do they know who in the community is providing help for domestic violence? But the bottom line, most patients will not jeopardize themselves by spilling the beans about their crappy home life in a brief visit to a doctor, especially if there is not a relationship built over time with that doctor.

But being trauma informed goes beyond asking that inane question. It is things like how the patient is treated by everyone; from the rushed handling of the care-tech to the actual doctor. Patients who are victims of abuse will react from the way they are placed in a room and then left abruptly to wait for an extended period for the doctor. Letting the patients know if the doctor is running late, or checking in on the patient to see if they are ok would go much further to calm a nervous person. Having the doctor explain what and why they are going to do something BEFORE doing it will help also. Even the simple act of having them listen to the heart can be traumatic. Some doctors will do it over clothes, some doctors reach right in without warning for skin contact. Sometimes there may be a need to hold the patients head while examining their throat for example. This simple act can terrify someone who has had their head restrained in an abusive act such as forced oral sex. Lying down on an examining table makes anyone vulnerable, but for an abused patient, it is excruciating.

For some patients, the act of disrobing will send them back to a place of past abuse. These patients need a sense of safety which throwing them into a sterile, brightly lit room and demanding they disrobe behind a flimsy curtain does not provide. Then they have to sit in anticipation of being probed on a ridiculous scary examining table sitting in the middle of the room as if they were a piece of meat shivering in a paper gown. Would it be so absolutely terrible to provide a soft blanket to comfort and to also help with limiting the exposure while being examined? Something that simple is being trauma informed.

The patient is brought back to the exam room and sat down after being weighed. For some, being weighed is very traumatic. I know that doctors need the vitals but unless you are suspicious of your patients and do not trust them, can you not simply ask them what they weigh? Or make it part of the exam in private and not in a hallway where everyone is walking by. The scale calculates and the care-tech yells out the reading like everyone needs to know….and you still have your boots on. I skip it and refuse. Unless I am there for weight related issues, I know what I weigh and I will tell the doctor if they ask.

Health care workers are highly trained. But in the area of trauma informed, there is much to learn. This study goes hand in hand with a comprehension of the ACE study, which identified the link of abuse to chronic illnesses. I have asked all the doctors who I see if they are aware of the ACE study, and none of them are. I am going to leave a couple of articles for them to read. (see below) We need to work on this information being disseminated and so if you found this helpful, read and print these out and give them to your doctors.

Ace study: http://www.ajpmonline.org/article/S0749-3797%2898%2900017-8/fulltext

PDF of journal article: http://www.ajpmonline.org/article/S0749-3797(98)00017-8/pdf

https://acestoohigh.com/2017/01/05/dear-doctor-a-letter-from-a-survivor-of-sexual-trauma-to-all-medical-professionals/

https://acestoohigh.com/2016/08/10/childhood-trauma-leads-to-lifelong-chronic-illness-so-why-isnt-the-medical-community-helping-patients/

 

 

 

Midsummer Dreams

Nightview 2015

The light has shifted ever so slightly in the garden at night. I have been doing an epic battle to keep everything hydrated. But even so, things are crisp or wilted. My glorious ferns are gone and the grass is brown and crunchy. The trees in their deprived state are dropping leaves early. I fear for how brown our fall will be this year.

I am not good with the heat. The other night, the little air conditioner in our bedroom could not overcome the heat and it was still 80 in the room. I find myself longing for a storm or two. I realize I could never live somewhere that was sunny perpetually.

I spend my last hours of the day in the garden readying from my Kindle. It’s so dry that the bugs and mosquitos are less and so the light does not attract them. I finished a non-fiction book intended to reflect on what it is like to live with PTSD. It was a story of woman who was raped by her boyfriend over a period of times when she was 16. She lived with his threats and never told anyone. The book revolves around her growing up and dealing with the ramifications. She is splinter from her family, her own choice, and ends up as a disenfranchised woman living in a hovel.

Although the book explained about triggers it was not a good representation of what it is like to live PTSD. The woman in the story goes to a psychiatrist and is “healed” by simple breathing methods and other mindful exercises. She meets a man and life goes on off into the sunset. Although the authors attempt to help bring awareness, I think she misrepresents the truth.

People do not ever heal from PTDS. They learn to cope. And while some are better than others, it still can rear its ugly head at any moment. Triggers come from everywhere. I was reading where a female soldier (nurse) who had PTSD after being in Nam was fine for years. Then she moved to a new area to work at a hospital. She started having horrible flashbacks and attacks. She could not figure it out when on a very still night she heard the sound of a chopper flying to the landing pad at the hospital. It was not the first flight since she moved there. Normally it was noisy with other ambient sounds and this was so subtle she never paid attention. But her ears did. They heard and she would start to have panic attacks.

The shift in light for me is a trigger. I am so sensitive to it that I am aware before it really gets to the point where it bothers me. Something about the afternoon light before sunset in the fall and winter makes my chest tighten and other sensations. It has to do with sunset around 5 pm. This was the cocktail hour when my parents would barricade themselves away from us and start drinking. Yes, this still affects me forty years later. I am aware of it and can normally deal with it. But I still get a stomach ache and my mood shifts.

This morning, as many Sunday mornings, I sleep an hour or two longer than normal. It is very common for me to have nasty dreams but there is a prevalence of one reoccurring situation and it often plays out in these stolen moments of extra sleep. I have no idea why and I cannot control my dreams. Even after being divorced for over 13 years, I still have horrible dreams about the way I was treated. I am not going to dwell by explaining this as I need to let the dream I had this morning go. But my point is PTSD does not just end.

I know what I have to do and will tend to it. The summer ending is always hard for me. We are off to the River for our long extended stay in a couple of weeks. That will help me to focus and ground. There needs to be more awareness of PTSD, and not just for Vets. It affects many people in many ways.

 

In the throes of PTSD

Bunnies 2

There are times in my life when I think why? Why do we as humans struggle so much just living. Was it like this since the beginning of time? Is there anyone out there who truly has no stress, no difficulties and breezes through live without conflict? Or is this what human nature means?

Being diagnosed with PTSD was the biggest ah-ha moment of my life. So much finally made sense in my world. Diagnosis means being aware and of all the medications and treatments, being aware the one thing that matters. Because I believe there is no cure. There is only living with it.

I have done as much mindfulness and meditation as humanely possible. I have sought treatments from cognitive behavior therapy to AAT and other forms of energy work. I am not saying they do not “work” but they do not cure. There is no cure. There is acceptance and awareness.

Last week, something tripped me over the weekend. I have no clue what. That is one of the tricky parts of having PTSD. You do not need to know what trips you off, it just happens. By Tuesday, I was in a full blown attack. During the day, I am anxious about stupid things like driving and loud noises. I jump at the slightest provocation. I am bit short in patience. But the telling sign for me is I gain a few pounds that won’t come off. And I have not changed what I am eating. My body pain level is extremely high and I have sharp pain in certain spots like my neck and shoulders which were tight as a trampoline. I cannot take a deep breath even when I doing breathing exercise. But the most telling is I do not sleep. Tuesday night I had about two hours of sleep. The rest of the week my sleep was fitful and full of nightmares that stay with me during the day.

On Wednesday, I was asked to do a presentation for the whole management group on a project I am leading. I then have to drive 40 miles one way to deliver the same presentation to another group. Just as I seemed to becoming down a bit, or maybe just calmer because of lack of sleep, this set me off to an even higher level of anxiety. Just writing this made me catch my breath. It is not that I am nervous about presenting. I just hate presenting to this group. Hate it! It is like they are sitting there with bared teeth waiting for you to make a mistake or in total judgment (which they are). Driving is another big time stressor. By the end of the day on Wednesday, I was a mess. The rest of the week I was a walking nerve fretting about it.

On Friday, I sat down to finish the PowerPoint and having accomplished that helped to calm me. Later at home that night when I was somewhat at peace, I went into my work email. Big mistake. We have a Coach from the med center who is overseeing the program I am presenting on. I am supposed to be learning from her because when she leaves in a couple of months, I am supposed to fill in. She never likes anything anyone is doing. We have had people actually go to our CEO and complain about her. She always has something to correct me on. I think she is a terrible coach. Sure enough, she hated the PowerPoint and said that she thought that only three of the fourteen slides had value. I just burst into tears and sobbed for a while. I was exhausted from the week and then this.

I did something I usually do not do. I fought back. I forwarded the email to my boss who is aware of the situation with the coach. I also sent an email back to the coach and said that it seems I never seem to get things right with her and this was making me very anxious. My boss wrote me back and said the PowerPoint was exactly what the administrators wanted and she liked it. I have not heard anything from the coach. But I felt I stood up for myself and that in itself is powerful. Shame is often a big part of having PTSD and so to stand up for myself was a big deal.

My thoughts for this week included feeling trapped. That is a sensation I have lived with forever and it is not because of any one situation. It is from years of emotional and mental abuse. I felt feel trapped in a job that is frustrating and limiting and often does not bring much satisfaction to me. It does not make me feel like I am contributing to the world. I am trapped as I need to work and the thought of switching jobs is worse than living with it….which is why I stayed in a shitty marriage for 27 years. Fear.

I hate the thought of presenting to this group because of their critical judgment. This is all management including the ones who are clawing their way up the chain and would do whatever they could to push someone out of their way.  This group also has staff that have been there a while and like the way it was always done…. Change agents are not welcome.  Fortunately, there are less of them now. There is a woman who will be in the audience who looks and act so much like my mother and I have had a terrible time with her. Her reputation is that she looks for the holes or mistakes in presentations and will pounce on any weakness. She constantly interrupts to ask for “clarification” and asks a million questions. Everyone knows this about her and it is a big joke, but it is also terrifying when she is grilling you. It does not help me that I have her position which she held for 12 years and she feels I am inadequate because I am not a nurse. When I first started, she had a posy of peers who felt the same way and made my work life difficult. A few of them have left or retired but she perseveres on.

The thing is… I know this is only fifteen minutes max of my life. I know this will pass. I know I will be fine driving 80 miles as it is not snowing and I take back roads.  I know that by Wednesday night, all this will be over. I know all this. I fight to be in the present moment and not worry about the future. I know perseverating on this only adds and does not help. I am writing as another act of trying to cope. I am employing techniques that have I learned to calm. I am trying to think before I react, which is another sign of being in the throes of PTSD. My reactions are over the top and visceral. I am using all the techniques and skills I have been taught to cope. They are helping some.

But sadly the truth is I just have to wait for it to pass. I can only hope that nothing else triggers me and I can deregulate down to a more homeostatic level. I know I will emerge once again out of the rabbit hole.

Bunny and Dove

 

 

 

 

Its a Gut feeling

vegas nerve

Have you ever wonder if there is a connection to having gut issues and being under stress? Why do some people always  seem to be sick? Why is it that when facing a lot of issues some people end up with sore tummies and other disturbances? It is because of the connection to the autonomic nervous system.

The autonomic nervous system (ANS) is a division of the peripheral nervous system that influences the function of internal organs.[1] The autonomic nervous system is a control system that acts largely unconsciously and regulates bodily functions such as the heart rate, digestion, respiratory rate, pupillary response, urination, and sexual arousal. This system is the primary mechanism in control of the fight-or-flight response and the freeze-and-dissociate response. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Autonomic_nervous_system

This is the system that regulates how we physically adapt (or not) to pressure and challenging situations. It is the system that keeps animals safe and helps them to employ tactics such as being able to run at super speed or feign death in a freeze like mode. This system triggers chemical such as adrenalin and cortisol to help the being physically have the juice it needs to do what it needs to do in the form of flight, fit or freeze.

People have the same ability of flight, fit or freeze. We adapt to situations with the ramp up of the same chemical juices during times of stress. For people who are in stressful situations all the time, this chemical and nervous system process does not have time to deregulate. The human never goes back to “normal”. Hence: Post-traumatic stress syndrome. PTSD.

We think children have a natural resilience and are not affected by stressful things. We dismiss their stress with sayings like: “They will get over it.” Or “they are too young to understand what is happening.”

What really happens is that the child internalizes it. It may be hard for parents to see that their child senses stress differently and how that correlates into health issues in the child. It is also complicated by the fact that two people can be exposed to the same stressful situation and one will react and be done with it and the other will have it affect them harder and for a long time. We add to that sensitive child’s issues by naming that child a sissy and telling them that their issues is insignificant . That adds a layer of guilt on top of it and makes the child withdraw further.

The same situation happens with adults. Some people do not deal well with stress and have learned to not say anything, because there can be a layer of judgment that comes from people, including medical providers. Even people who teach tools such as mediation and mindfulness can be critical of those who struggle to “find their zone.” We are all hardwired differently and all meditating in the world cannot really change that.

The Ace Study was a scientific research study that identified the link to maltreatment of children and chronic illness. They program has grown and is now widely accepted yet many providers still do not know about this epic study. It states emphatically that there is a correlation to childhood trauma and adult stress and chronic illness.

What needs to happen in the medical world is a change in thinking. Current medical practice is symptom management. There is a medical issue we throw medicine at it to eliminate the symptoms. When people return over and over for the same issue, there probably is more there and the illness is not actually the main problem. This is what being trauma informed is all about.

For those of you like me who have chronic issues, there is a new thinking out there that really is helping me cope. I wish I could find the article but I cannot so I will have to paraphrase. This was from a young man who has multiple disabilities and chronic illness. He is currently in a monastery and is not writing.

He said instead of trying to cope and bury your issues, live with them. We are a society where other people’s suffering makes us uncomfortable. He said that is why people want to help. It is not really about the sufferer, it is about the dis-ease that suffering generates. We want to eradicate it before we become part of it. I will write more about this in another post.

But for the sufferer, they are taught to move on, get over it or take a pill. It dismisses the being. It diminishes their lives and their history. What would happen if we all were allowed to live with our baggage instead of struggling to remove it? What if we accepted our plights and accept what comes our way as being human. Instead of guilt and anger, we would learn honor and virtue. Being human is messy. It does not come with instructions and no one has the same path.

This is the current direction of the ACE movement. The focus is to help children who live in violence and maltreatment to speak up. They are encouraged to talk about their situation and ask for help and without shame or guilt. But what about all the adults who grew up in households that were littered with dirty little secrets like incest and drunken violence. We were told to never tell.

All though this post rambled on through many different topics, they really are all connected. We are human. We have uncontrollable systems within our bodies that regulate physical reactions. We taught at an early age to cope. But we don’t really; we camouflage our emotions that eventually manifest in illness.

What do you think would happen if there was a change that allowed people to say, “yeah, I am really struggling here?” and have the reply not be…. “let me fix that or let me change you?”

 

 

 

 

 

 

Resolutions

dog1  It has been almost two months that I have been going through a “thing.” I am on the other side of it now and thought I would share. To help illustrate my thoughts, this young golden was photographed up at the docks in the TI Park, 1000 Islands. It is one of my favorite places.

Just before vacation, I took my shot for my Psoriatic Arthritis. I have been on Simponi for about eight months with some relief, but not great. This time, I had a reaction at the injection site which is something I have never experienced before.

At work, I was having issues with one of my employees who is enthusiastic, but a royal pain in the butt. She was working on a project and had managed to take a small pilot and manifest it into a major fiasco that was causing issues everywhere. She also was racking up hours that I did not have budgeted as she is per diem. I decided to have a meeting with her and my boss to get some clarity on her role. She went absolutely bat shit in the meeting and accused me of all sorts of mismanagement. She was almost screaming and my boss said nothing. And her main point was that I did not understand because “I am not a clinician”.  Anyone who knows me knows this is a hot button for me. I sat in the meeting listening to her accused me of cancelling meetings with her and not responding to emails and more lies. I felt my chest tighten and thought, “holy shit, I am having a heart attack.” The pain was sharp and frightening. I disengaged from the meeting and let her rant. I figured my boss would see through her lines of bull. But I was extremely upset.

The next day, and the last day before my vacation, I went to see my boss and expected she would say that this girl was nuts. Instead, she lambasted me with “I need to communicate with her and manage her better.” I was stunned.

By then, I was feeling really crappy. I was going to my favorite place in the world and I was anxious and upset. My gut was killing me. I never truly let go of the meeting and situation at work and at night, I was having heart flutters and anxiety attacks. During the day, I felt bloated. I knew my blood pressure was up. My stomach and gut was flaring with pain.

dog2

When I came back, I emailed the employee and asked that she validate everything she accused me of. She said in the meeting she had emails of me cancelling her and using a “tone” with her. I went through my stuff and found nothing; I have been keeping every email she ever wrote. I spoke with my boss who apologized when she came back from her wedding and vacation because she realized she had inadvertently validated this person. With both knew that was disastrous.

dog4

Three weeks from taking the shot, my blood pressure was still extremely high for me and I was dizzy and felt out of it. I was still having some flutters and tightness, so I called the doctor. He ran blood tests on everything and many of my levels were extremely high, including my sugar. (HA1C) By the time I saw him, it was a month from the shot. He decided to put me on a beta blocker to help lower my still high blood pressure. It was a tiny dose of metoprolol.

But OMG, did I have a reaction from it. First I had insomnia, then that went away. Then I was nauseous every morning and the short 20 minute ride to work was a nightmare as there are no bathrooms. I had several close calls. Then the diarrhea was all the time. I was gaining weight every morning which was counter intuitive to the output I was having. I felt like…pardon the pun, shit. I was going to see the doctor again soon. I had all the tests redone and then decided enough was enough and weaned myself off the drug. The results from the lab indicated everything was fine. After going off this drug that was supposed to help my cardiac issues, they all stopped. MY BP at the doc’s visit was 124/80. MY HA1C was back below my prior visits and so were most of my levels. Problems solved.

And this issue with the employee? She went off on a tangent and was spreading lies about me to people. She never validated any of her claims and when I met with her and again called her on it, she said, “oh, let’s not open that all up again.” She was racking up staggering hours and when I called her on them, she would push back with more bullshit. The results of her craziness combined with putting her nose in places it did not belong ended up with another meeting with three directors and myself and my boss, the VP of HR.

dog5

Finally, after almost two years of her torment, she will be put on a plan of improvement that will be so restrictive that she will probably quit. She will be mandated to remain solely in the position she was hired for, which is an instructor and abandon all other pursuits. But if she does not and continues with us, she will surely cross the line in a very short time and then we will severe her from the agency. She will have to eat crow big time because she is facing insubordinate charges but will remain under my supervision. Finally, someone heard me. One of the directors she went to with her garbage suggested she be mandated to go to EAP, for psych support. This employee has burned all her bridges.

And me? I am feeling like my old self for the first time in a long time. Was it just the shot? I do not think so, although a big contributor. I think it was a lot about not being heard and validated. It brought back many feelings from my childhood where I was invisible but took a lot of punishment for the sins of my siblings. I hate when people dismiss me, or say I am over reacting. I hate when I see people getting away with things because they lie or are weasels. I am a good manager and a fair one.  I have never had such a renegade employee in all my thirty plus years of managing people where I had so little control. The stress truly was affecting me. PTSD, the gift that keeps on giving.

 

PTSD and trust

black Heron

I got caught again. People with PTSD have a major issue with trust. But deep inside there is this flame that longs for two things from this world: A place to belong and the ability to trust. I have neither. Simply put, I do not belong because I do not trust. And I do not trust because I am an outsider. I do not trust because I have learned not to, which makes it difficult because I am always keeping a distance to protect myself, which makes me an even bigger outsider.

I came to this conclusion most recently when I was doing some deep thinking about my current state of life. I am too old to be naive, and yet I am. I fall for the most ridiculous things. I still hope after all these years that people will be good. But I am finding that not to be so and it seems more prevalent now than even before. Being kind used to be revered and now it is a sign of weakness. The more tough and nasty you are, the better you will survive. And thinking about my childhood, I should be as hard as a rock. But I am not at all. Just the opposite.

And so at this late stage of my life, I do not trust anyone…including myself. Which is a very precarious place to be. I open myself up because of my expectations only to be dashed because they are not anyone else’s expectation.

What I have worked so hard to heal will truly never heal as people continually rip the wound open.

I am trying hard right now to figure out why this is. What am I supposed to learn from all this? Am I here to feel this pain for a reason? I believe in reincarnation and I wonder if this go-around is in part to work through a previous life where I deceived people? What am I supposed to grapple from this struggle?

As we approach the fall season, I will turn even more inward. In future years, when I won’t be working fulltime, this will be my isolation time. For now, I have to continue in the world I am in. My heart is not in it. I have no patience and my tolerance for bullshit is non-existent. I want to sleep all the time and instead suffer long periods of wide-wake reality checks in the middle of the night. I am physically sick and my hypervigilance is in full gear. I am being cold to people but inside as vulnerable as ice in the dessert. I can’t blame it on hormones or any other female issues. I will say it is very cyclical with me, which makes me hopeful that this too shall pass.