A journal of healing

Posts tagged ‘release’

4th of July Liberties

 

I was born in America. I have never experienced anything but the freedoms we have here in this country. I do not know any better and so I take it for granted. I am disgusted by piss-poor politicians and can be vocal about my feelings. I am entitled. I take for granted the rights and liberties we have. But I am proud to be an American.

However, I hate the way we celebrate this holiday with fireworks. I personally love the display and the colors. But I hate the noise. It upsets my little Cookie.

Last night we were all sitting in the garden as is our ritual before bed. The dogs take a walk around the yard. We call it the perimeter check. And then we sit for a bit and meditate. There were a few little pops in the distance and Cookie was a bit nervous but still quiet. Then a neighbor set off a huge firework which exploded right over the garden. She panicked.

We ran inside and she took off for the bedroom. I had prepared for this and had the air conditioner and fans going. We crawled into bed and she crawled on top of me and shook. I finally calmed her down and she fell asleep next to me but in my arms. I thought we were ok when another one went off. She again crawled on top of my chest and buried her face in my arms. Finally they stopped and she fell asleep attached to me on my side.

I know everyone has the right to celebrate. I wish they would go back to making fireworks illegal in NY. There are enough displays that are set off by the municipalities to enjoy. I am sure tonight and the next night will be even worse for my little dogs. Browny does not seem to get upset by the noise. But he does get upset when Cookie is upset.

I wish I could teach them something I just learned. I am taking a class to become a Certified Trauma Professional. This class has taught me so much about PTSD and trauma. It is taught by Dr. Eric Gentry, who is an internationally recognized leader in the field of disaster and clinical traumatology.

He teaches that people cannot feel the effects of stress or trauma in a relaxed body. Seems so simple. But he explains in length how the human body is always reacting to triggers of some kind. People who have had extended periods of some form of trauma are in a hypervigilant mode all the time. There are chemical reactions in the brain and the parasympathetic and sympathetic systems go into over drive.  In short, our body is in control.

He explains that we need to be aware that this is always on in one degree or another. And we react by constricting our muscles all day. An example is when at the end of the day, you neck and shoulders are way up and hurt and you have no idea why. It is the constriction of the muscles that you held in a clench all day. We clench our muscles everywhere. It is one cause of leg cramps and back pain.

It is common now for people to understand the concept of just take a breath. Dr. Gentry talks about the power of just taking a breath. He talked about other methods for getting control. But the method I think is amazing and it works is called the pelvic floor relaxation. First you have to become aware of the muscles in you hip area. Do a few kegal exercises by squeezing the muscles that can stop you when you pee. Now just completely relax that area completely. Do that several times a day. Concentrate on those muscles being relaxed when something stressful is happening and you will find you won’t be as stressed.

The issue is that the effect only lasts for a very short time. This is something you have to do all the time. It only takes a second and no one knows you are doing it. Another method to use  is called the wet noodle. This is where you go absolutely limp in a chair for ten seconds. It is like a mini vacation. The effect of being in a relaxed body is how people are learning to deal with PTSD and every day stress.

I wish I could teach my little pup this. But for her, the only comfort is a dark quiet room and being held by her Mommer.

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Death is not for sissies.

fogfalls

Death is not for sissies. This past week was an experience I would not want to repeat. There were moments of beauty and love that will be in my heart forever. But watching someone die is not something I want to do again. Now I know that I will not partake in Hospice work as a volunteer, even though I am trained to do so.

My mother in law (MIL) spent over a week in the hospital. The family dynamics made it a difficult situation. The oldest son wanted control of his parent’s estate and health proxy, but it was given to my sister in law (SIL). My hubby is the middle child and always on the outside looking in. There were arguments that were nothing but my BIL and SIL battling for control.

My MIL was admitted for aspirated pneumonia. She had dementia. She has spent the last couple of years in and out of the hospital and was placed into a nursing home. The place she was in was depressing and ugly. It was close and convenient for my SIL to go to. Mom was kept pretty much in a wheelchair when not in a tiny half room. My SIL moved her out of her private room and told no one. After my father in law passed last September, the family splintered as the SIL was totally in charge of the estate and money and what happened to Mom.

From the moment Mom was in ED, my SIL thought there was hope she would recover completely. She took measures to keep her alive that she should not have. The Wednesday after she was admitted, the charge nurse on the floor pleaded with her to allow her to go into comfort care and be released from her illness. They were suctioning her, giving her nebulizer treatments and she was sustained on high power oxygen. She could not eat. They were giving her mega doses of potassium IV and antibiotics. Her infection stopped spreading, but it did not get better.

Finally, on day six, my SIL agreed to comfort care. BUT….she did not want them giving my MIL any morphine. She felt that was what killed my father in law. Long story but the bottom line is my SIL is very selfish and undereducated and once she gets an idea in her head, there is no changing it. She named the one insistent nurse: Nurse Kevorkian. And she was very upset with the fact that Mom got a variety of nurses, care technicians and PA’s. She hated the PA’s and was quite rude to them. The MD assigned to Mom said she would not make it from day one, but agreed to let my SIL decide when to go to comfort care. Then she liked him.

Finally on day six, she signed Mom over to comfort care, they wanted to immediately removed the IV. My SIL almost changed her mind accept that it was explained to her that it was painful and not doing anything. It took another day for her to agree to have the line removed. She did not want the O2 turned down or changed to normal. The staff, fortunately, have to followed protocol and when we left at night they took her off the high pressure and put her on a very low dose of 02. Mom hated the cannula and pulled it off her face. SIL kept fighting with her to put it back on. When I felt it, I told her there was barely anything coming through and I said to her, “Let’s leave it off for a while.”

But the hardest thing for SIL to understand was the course of medications they give the dying. She kept saying no to anything but they did medicate her. They told her the morphine (they used the name of the drug and not the word morphine in front of her) they were giving her was helping her breath, so she let them administer it. Mom became very agitated and they wanted to give her Ativan to calm her. They tried to give her a pill which of course she could not swallow. But when they came back to give her the Ativan sublingually, SIL had a fit. That made no sense because she was OK with the pill of the same drug. For three hours Mom thrashed about.

But she did drink a sip of water when they tried to give her the pill. My SIL went off the deep end and said she could finally eat and ordered food. They brought trays up of pureed foods which of course she did not eat. But she offered to her son when he was visiting.

Mom spent the next couple of days in and out of it. She would call for Clara. She would smile at me when I leaned over. She knew us. And then the last day, she was totally out of it. She was talking to whoever she saw in her “sleep”. She made hand gestures that indicated that there were people in the room for her. We could not understand her because she often switched to French, which is her native tongue. She would hold out her arm, her fingers grasping for someone. At one point she made the gesture of “you and me” and then smiled. But there were many moments of anguish and pain as her face contorted in a painful grimace. Her body would become rigid and she tried to sit up. She had longer pauses between breaths (apnea) and then would shutter and take the next breath. Her toes were a curled mess. She suffered the indignity of being rolled in the bed to get cleaned up and left for hours in uncomfortable positions when she slipped in the bed. Before they put her on comfort care, she would moan. I never understood how my SIL was not bothered by that.

I was angry at my SIL for allowing my MIL to suffer. The nursing staff was very nice and they would talk to me instead of my SIL because she was so rude to them. They knew not to say anything about drugs in front of her. They would tell me her stats and were very upfront with me. After being there from 9 am on Wednesday, I asked the nurse if she would make it through the night and she felt she would. Although her O2 level was fluctuating, it was rebounding back to 90. We left, my BIL left and then at 9, my SIL left to go home for the night. Mom was sleeping quietly and we all thought she would be there the next day. At 10:15pm, all alone, she crossed over. Eight days and nights of being by her bed and she still died alone. I think she knew my SIL would have freaked.

The next phased of drama is the service and funeral. We talked about the planning of it front of my MIL every day prior to her death. My SIL was going through menus and calling places. One night, she and my hubby wrote the obit and talked about it very loudly in front of my MIL. Then, the next day, she said no more talking like that in front of Mom. She had Googled it and said she found out Mom could hear. I told her that from day one, but what did I know? No matter what anyone said, my SIL wanted what she wanted and that is what would happen. I do not care as I do not believe in big elaborate funerals. Spend the time and money when the person is alive. But at the end of the month, there will be a memorial service and funeral.

Now, the real battle starts as the accounting of the estate will take place and my SIL is going to have a lot of explaining to do. Can’t wait.

 

 

 

 

Imminent death

Cubid

Last Tuesday, we got a frantic call from my sister-in-law (SIL) that my Mother in law (MIL) was admitted to the hospital with pneumonia. She was in the ED and not doing well. My MIL is 91. My husband and I left work and headed over there.

The poor woman was in terrible shape. She could not breath, was very agitated, had a fever and was dehydrated. My MIL had been in hospice once before, but now was under comfort care, which my SIL had agreed to. Under comfort care, they do not do anything to prevent death, other than make someone comfortable. In the ED, my SIL did a 180 and had them do whatever they could for my MIL in the hospital. She was even agreeing to intubation if needed.

My in laws both had very well written advance directives and MOLST saying they did not want any intervention that would mechanically support their lives. My FIL had actually signed himself into hospice when he knew the end was near.

The issue is that my SIL has total control. She is her health proxy. This has been a source of consternation for her oldest brother who wants total control of everything. Over the death of their father, the wound widened and I do not think it will be ever resolved between the two of them.

Meanwhile, my MIL is on high pressure oxygen, nothing by mouth, and is hooked up to IV’s. We were told on Wednesday night to consider comfort care as her time was short. My SIL refused. They continued with nebulizer treatments and suction up until Friday when they said they would no longer provide suction other than in her mouth. They had been shoving tubes down her to help her clear out. She has dementia and is incoherent most of the time. Thursday, she was out of it all day. My SIL said she was just sleeping, but no one could get her to “wake up.” The staff was pleaded with her to change her level and release her. My SIL kept saying “what did they know?”

Yesterday was the day she had agreed to sign her over. We all went to the hospital, including two grandchildren. We spent the morning at the funeral home planning her funeral. When we got to her room, she was more coherent and was telling all of us to enjoy our lives. She told us to take vacations and be happy. It was hard to understand her so her granddaughter decided to be translator. I believe she was embellishing her comments a bit. We had a priest come in and do last rites. After that, she seemed calmer and would come and go. She kept looking for her husband and brother, both passed.

However, my SIL reneged on her agreement and said she was not going to put her in comfort care. She said she likened it to putting a dog down. The MD stopped by and said that he did not think she was in pain and another 24 hours would not make a difference. She took those words as to she was getting better.

They have been very clear to all of us that Mom will never come off the high pressure O2. She is at the highest setting. Since she is on that, she will never eat through her mouth. She is wasting away. I am waiting for my SIL to agree to a feeding tube and then all hell will break out. Her potassium was so low, her toes were a curled knot. I have had toes cramps and they hurt badly. They are passing mega doses of potassium via IV and they said they cannot keep doing that, either. She has aspirated pneumonia which means she choked on something. They also discovered she had a heart attack, possibly when she choked. Her infection has not improved, but also has not gotten worse, which my SIL is taking as sign of recovery. She is so weak and is wasting away.

I love my mother in law. I have only known her for thirteen years. When she started with the dementia, they moved here from Florida. At family gatherings, she was often quiet or nasty. She would change when I was alone with her and was always sweet, even when she repeated herself over and over. My SIL never stayed with her over night for all the times we needed it when my FIL was sick. I did. Even now, she smiles at me when she is awake. Yesterday was weird because she did not know my BIL’s wife even though they have been married for almost thirty years. They, my MIL and other SIL,  have not gotten along for many years, stemming from issues my  SIL caused. However, yesterday she knew me and was asking for me. That did not help with the hard feelings.

It has been a long week. I am spending my days and evenings with my SIL and MIL. They restrained her as she keeps trying to pull everything off of her. I take that as her way of saying “let me go!” The only time they would allow her off of them is if my SIL and I are both in the room. They put them back on when it is just my SIL. I have been doing touch therapy and it helps to calm her down. My SIL is rude to the care team. I am not and I am asking the right questions. A couple of them know who I am as they have worked with me at URMHC. In my own world, I am way past due for my Humira for my PSA and I cannot take it and go to the hospital. It lowers my immune system and that would be like an invitation for me to get sick. So my own pain level is through the roof and I am gimping pretty badly. But I get to go home at night and my MIL will never, so I buck up.

I understand the decision my SIL has to make is hard. But she is disregarding what Mom wanted completely. This has pissed off my brother-in- law and his wife to no end. It is very uncomfortable when they are around which has not been too often. Somehow, they are pissed at my husband and I as we are trying to not get into the fray and keep our mouths shut. My poor husband has been an family outcast most of his life, partially his doing and partially because he is so neutral when it comes to family issues. They love drama.

I put my Mom into Hospice when she had cancer and made preparations to bring her home to die. She died that night. I was 23 years old. It is a long story why the decision was mine. My other SIL had to do the same thing for her mother a few years ago. It was not an easy decision for either one of us to make, but in the best interests of our mothers, we made it. I get that there is always the concern about such a decision; the what if?

I am hoping today my SIL will do the right thing. They will give her morphine and turn down the O2. I honestly think it will be quick and I hope not too dramatic. When we left yesterday, my SIL said, “I wish she would just fall asleep and go.” She does not equate the high pressure O2 as what is keeping her alive. But, my SIL is not the brightest bulb I have discovered.

My BIL said something so cruel that I was stunned the other day. He said, “Mom chose her to take care of her and so now she is getting exactly what she deserves.” Nice! No one deserves to die like this.

 

Midsummer Dreams

Nightview 2015

The light has shifted ever so slightly in the garden at night. I have been doing an epic battle to keep everything hydrated. But even so, things are crisp or wilted. My glorious ferns are gone and the grass is brown and crunchy. The trees in their deprived state are dropping leaves early. I fear for how brown our fall will be this year.

I am not good with the heat. The other night, the little air conditioner in our bedroom could not overcome the heat and it was still 80 in the room. I find myself longing for a storm or two. I realize I could never live somewhere that was sunny perpetually.

I spend my last hours of the day in the garden readying from my Kindle. It’s so dry that the bugs and mosquitos are less and so the light does not attract them. I finished a non-fiction book intended to reflect on what it is like to live with PTSD. It was a story of woman who was raped by her boyfriend over a period of times when she was 16. She lived with his threats and never told anyone. The book revolves around her growing up and dealing with the ramifications. She is splinter from her family, her own choice, and ends up as a disenfranchised woman living in a hovel.

Although the book explained about triggers it was not a good representation of what it is like to live PTSD. The woman in the story goes to a psychiatrist and is “healed” by simple breathing methods and other mindful exercises. She meets a man and life goes on off into the sunset. Although the authors attempt to help bring awareness, I think she misrepresents the truth.

People do not ever heal from PTDS. They learn to cope. And while some are better than others, it still can rear its ugly head at any moment. Triggers come from everywhere. I was reading where a female soldier (nurse) who had PTSD after being in Nam was fine for years. Then she moved to a new area to work at a hospital. She started having horrible flashbacks and attacks. She could not figure it out when on a very still night she heard the sound of a chopper flying to the landing pad at the hospital. It was not the first flight since she moved there. Normally it was noisy with other ambient sounds and this was so subtle she never paid attention. But her ears did. They heard and she would start to have panic attacks.

The shift in light for me is a trigger. I am so sensitive to it that I am aware before it really gets to the point where it bothers me. Something about the afternoon light before sunset in the fall and winter makes my chest tighten and other sensations. It has to do with sunset around 5 pm. This was the cocktail hour when my parents would barricade themselves away from us and start drinking. Yes, this still affects me forty years later. I am aware of it and can normally deal with it. But I still get a stomach ache and my mood shifts.

This morning, as many Sunday mornings, I sleep an hour or two longer than normal. It is very common for me to have nasty dreams but there is a prevalence of one reoccurring situation and it often plays out in these stolen moments of extra sleep. I have no idea why and I cannot control my dreams. Even after being divorced for over 13 years, I still have horrible dreams about the way I was treated. I am not going to dwell by explaining this as I need to let the dream I had this morning go. But my point is PTSD does not just end.

I know what I have to do and will tend to it. The summer ending is always hard for me. We are off to the River for our long extended stay in a couple of weeks. That will help me to focus and ground. There needs to be more awareness of PTSD, and not just for Vets. It affects many people in many ways.

 

Hurdles

mist

I think the hardest thing a human has to face is not diving into the drama of emotional turmoil. I believe that we are set on this earth to learn to overcome this. That enlightenment is learning to not cave or participate in the negativity that we are all born with and are force fed through our lives. The challenge is to believe in the higher force that is there to pull us out of the mire, however you achieve this relationship. We are given the tools, but like the treasure this knowledge is, we have to search for it.

Along the way in the journey of life, there are obstacles of huge and small proportions. How we deal with them is called Grace. The Higher-self is the Captain of the ship we call life and we are the sailor. The trouble is that we cannot always hear this voice, or we think the voice comes from without, and not within. It has to be a unique set of directions for each human is unique in design and creation. The internal navigation equipment in time can get obliterated with the noise and clutter we subject our over-stimulated lives with. The chatter in our heads is like the static of a radio fueled with the nonsense of television and other media. Ever notice how TV has transformed from simple comedies and joyful family life to intense drama and the emotional targeting of watching others suffer? People watch this stuff because it fuels the ego’s need for superiority. “I would never do that”, said in arrogance. “Look at that poor fat slob trying to lose weight,” uttered while shoveling potato chips in their mouth in the safety of their overstuff chair.

Many spend years trying to find their way using other people’s road maps, only to find the wrong destination for them. It is also easier to have someone else guide us; to have someone else create a chart for us. There are thousands of books out there to read on the “way to enlightenment”. There are multiple people willing to take your money to feed your junkie need to be told how to find peace in your life. We all want it, whether we admit it or not. We think we want to be safe, and that is part of it. The more difficult part is trust. I am not just talking about trusting others, because that’s a disastrous route. We need to trust in ourselves that whatever happens, it will be ok. And that is the tricky part.

In my situation and many others like me, grow up to learn that people cannot be trusted. What does that really mean? Trust in what; that they will do something for you? Protect you? Keep you safe? Somehow I must have been able to keep safe enough to survive and that is all that matters. The bottom line is trusting in others has to have some limitations. Drama occurs when you put your self-worth in someone else. Inevitably, they will disappoint you. The degree of infliction will vary, but your reaction to it is what will harm you for the rest of your life. Children expect and deserve protection and love. But I truly doubt that anyone gets through life unscathed in parental disillusionment. Friends disappoint and so do spouses and your own children. The only solution to this is the act of forgiveness and the realization that the infliction is harmless if you believe in yourself and are able to move beyond it.

We are programmed for daily doses of emotional targeting. Being human means being emotional. Media feeds into this by playing on your emotions in order to sell you things. Pay attention to the input that makes you feel emotional and decide whether that emotion is something you really want in your life. I truly feel that the news and other forms of media are helping to bring this world to its knees. We are bombarded with how imperfect we are, how horrible people treat each other and how we are poisoning the world. It is very difficult to more past this constant feed of negativity. Hence we become helpless, angry and emotionally crippled.

Do I have the answer? Yes and no. I have the where-for-all to find it for myself. And what I discover is meant only for me. How I achieve that is also my solitary path. I have been given the tools of discovery but I need to sift through the garbage floating in my head. I must be mindful that the destination is obscure and will never ultimately be reached. Life is discovery and that is the miracle. How we treat people along the way is our legacy. We all have the same opportunities yet each accomplishment of life is as individual as the person participating. For me, overcoming my own negativity, accepted people for who and what they are and learning to be non-judgmental are my biggest hurdles.

I originally wrote roadblock, but that implies the inability to get over something. A hurdle is something to get over. What are some of your hurdles?

 

I have a secret

rainbow 5-2015

Tonight I am struggling with keeping my mouth shut. I suffer big time with Chronic Flapping of the Jaw disease. But I am trying so hard to break a bad habit of offering unsought wisdom. I also have a secret to share. I suck most times when it comes to secrets unless they would be harmful for someone to hear. This is not that kind of secret.

I have been reading veraciously Stuart Wilde. I am through about five of his nine or so books. I am learning so much and really connecting with what he is saying. Much of his teachings are based on Taoism, but is also a blend of many other spiritual teachings. I like that his philosophies are a blend and morphed from commonality of many theories. This post is not going to be about what I am reading except one concept.

He proposes that you need to create a structured life of strict discipline to gain control over your life and to push it forward to transcendentalism.  Well, I am not sure if this is what I want as I am not really sure what it is. But also, why do we as humans feel we must always suffer and struggle first to get to a place of bliss and joy? Does that not defeat the purpose?  I have been thinking about this a lot and I am sure I will be writing more on this question.

He says, and I am not quoting, people who talk about their path of spirituality are actually hindering their growth potential.  If you talk about how spiritual you are or try to compare “levels” of being aware, it is like putting a quantitative measure on something that is not measurable in human terms. The only thing that happens is the ego is stroked. And since being spiritual is achieve by completely disengaging the ego; to speak of being spiritual would negate the actuality of someone being spiritual.

Hence, you have to learn to keep your mouth shut. This means that anyone who talks about how to achieve being enlightened is actually creating a false sense of themselves as being enlightened. So how do people learn to become aware? Well the answer is basic: just be. (Someone dear to me is smiling)

This means also to learn to walk away and let people learn on their own, EVEN if you have the answer to their issues. I struggle with this in many ways. I want to fix. But after reading, I see how I am not the one who always has to fix things. Yes I can do it. But it finally struck me that in reality it was about stroking my own ego. It was not always about helping the other person, even though I could convince myself this was so. But it is hard to sit back and shut up.

Tonight was a prime example. My Father-in-law is in the hospital again. It is a repeating situation he does when he is overwhelmed. Instead of seeking help as he should, he makes himself sick and then gets a night in the ED away from his wife of almost 70 years. She has Alzheimer’s. He will be fine by the way, but is spending the night in Observation with a diuretic and a catheter.  Did my in-laws want to listen to me….nope, so I only said something to my husband who was like wow, you were right. What did it serve but to only stroke my ego. My in-laws were wrapped up in the drama and my BIL had my FIL dead and buried with complete kidney failure. He does had stage 4 CKD…(they did not want to know that was Chronic Kidney Disease) someone said it was cancer…I kept my mouth shut. BTW, he will be 96 in October.

Now the hardest thing tonight for me to shut up about was when my BIL started telling me what a Home Care Aide can or cannot do in a private home. He was so off base and I started to argue. My FIL hired one and then fired her for not doing anything. I was not asked about it at all.  I started to argue and then I stopped cold. What was the point? It was not about the aide, it was about control all the way around. And clearly it did not matter at this point.

But it was hard to shut up. And this leads me to my secret. Clearly, none of them have ever shut up long enough or even thought to ask what I do.

My agency has gone through a huge reorganization. We have a new CEO and with that, half of the administrators have been let go. So we are in a big restructuring. We took over a small Home Care Agency two years ago which made us go from one county to seven. We have four divisions which means two licenses and two hospices and multiple therapies and innovative services. We are growing so fast it has been difficult. When I started four years ago I was just a manager with two direct reports and only one area of training. With the new restructure, they are eliminating and regrouping things.  All training programs including the Home Health Aide training, which has always been a separate division, will be grouped under one department.

Tomorrow, there will be an announcement that I am being named Director of Education and Organizational Development. ALL education, all programs, all divisions, and seven direct reports will be my responsibility. I will also have a lot to do with the restructuring and reorganizational process.  And yes, it is all about me and my ego……. Hahaha.

 

 

 

Mid-summer thoughts

sunshine streamers

It is hard to believe that summer is half over. It has been a wet one and cool. The last moments of my day is usually spent in the garden in my chair. It has been so cool, that I can still wrap myself up in blankets. This also helps to keep the profuse mosquitos off of me.  I spend this time thinking about things that have happened in the day and then meditation…..which often ends up with me waking up to my glasses being fogged up as I have dropped my head into the blanket when I fall asleep.

I am currently devouring anything written by Stuart Wilde. I really like his teachings and the way he deals with the study of metaphysics. He is not preachy nor punitive. But his concepts really resonate with me. One theory he speaks about is that we all choose our path, starting with our family. He states that before we hit the earthly plan, we know exactly what we are getting ourselves into. There is a reason for it, a lesson to learn, growth to obtain with the results making us better for the next time around. The issue is, once we hit the earthly plane in birth, the concepts go deep inside.

fluffy 1 It is our path to discover and figure out. There may be moments of realization when something strikes a chord inside. There are many people who would argue and say why would I ever choose to place myself in the circumstances of my family? It was horrific and I have spent the rest of my life suffering from their influence be it violence or sexual abuse.

to the water

Well my thinking is, and very much based on his teachings, is that there is something to learn from your history? You just have to choose how you’re going to handle it. Are you supposed to become an advocate for others to help them grow and understand? Is there purpose to strife? I think so.

to the water2

I think we are all supposed to gravitate to our higher self. I think as we develop we are supposed to become strong and steady. And once we achieve enough balance, then we can stand as role models and guides. There is such a fine line not to cross in helping others. You always have to ask are you helping someone or are you stroking your own ego? Sometimes doing nothing is the best answer. Sometimes, teaching is the answer. But surviving and being the best you can be in spite of the circumstances is achieving the highest goal.

 mom g