A journal of healing

Posts tagged ‘garden’

Birthday wishes for me


On turning 61

I am not sure how and when, but tomorrow I turn 61. My last birthday at 60 was terrible. I am more used to the number but still overwhelmed with the swift passing of time. As the years accumulate, the time seems to expedite like traveling down a slope, picking up speed as I tumble and slide. There are no brakes.  I can see how the feeling of hopelessness can accompany someone as they age but that is not how I am feeling. Ok, well not all the time.

My dearest friend and I spent Friday night sitting in the garden and talking about our lives. We asked each other what we would do if we could do anything in our golden years of retirement. Her dream is to get into an RV and drive the country taken pictures and blogging about them. What a wonderful idea. My brain immediately went to all the reasons why I would not be able to do that. Fear is the biggest road block to happiness.

I have no clue what I would do. I could only see myself as I am now, working where I am and in my current home. That is not the real desire, but I could not put myself to the future and relinquish the controlled life I have now.  It spoke volumes about the level of stress I am in right now.

I am a believer of the power of vision. We all have the ability to close our eyes and “see” things, but you have to be ready and you have to really concentrate. The concept of the third eye and dream visions and so forth are real and has been around forever. I am not gifted like some with the power of vision, but I have an amazing empathic sense of the current situation. This is not to say I haven’t ever had visions or knowledge of something without tangible proof.

I find the lack of a plan for the future unsettling. I like to have a direction or path with a destination of some sort even if it is only a stopping point to the next place. Some say it is the journey not the destination that counts. Not having a plan is making me feel a bit lost and hitting this marker of my birthday had caused this concern to resurface.

I know every day is a blessing for me at this point. I watched my parents and many friends and family depart this plane of existence too early. I have always said I want to leave this world a better place because of my influence. I thought it would be through my own children, and that was not to be. I thought teaching was my contribution, but my level of influence in that area is negligible.

There is something  deep within me that says there is something I am supposed to do that will make a bigger difference in the world. I really only became aware of this in the past few years. It is like a simmering pot that has been turned up. We all have a calling, but many people do not hear it. For me, it burns within and shouts in my head. But it is unclear as to what it is supposed to be. It is very frustrating and being so adds to the noise and muddles the resolution. Meanwhile, time keeps ticking away.

I spent a lot of time studying many spiritual things. I read about neuroscience and the workings of the brain. I have done energy work and spent a small fortune on taking classes in Healing Touch and Reiki and Mindfulness. I have read volumes from the nonsense of Doreen Virtue, the science of many doctors like Peter Levin, and Robert Scaer to the prophecies of Eckhart Tolle, Brene Brown, Eric Pepin and Don Ruiz. I have over sixty or so spiritual books in my Kindle alone. My newest author is Stuart Wilde and I am devouring his books like candy.  I have studied Christian, Buddhist, Zen and Pagan methodologies and teachings. I lean more to a Pantheist viewpoint with rituals and the Craft.   I have taken classes in trauma treatment and may work on another certification in the fall.  It all is leading somewhere.

On this eve of this birthday, I am sending birthday wishes for a few things. I need a guide. I have known this for a while and have been asking every night for a guide. I had a dream about a friend of mine at work who is the Spiritual Chaplin for hospice. The next day, he stopped by at my desk. Was that the opportunity and I blew it? We talked about Weight Watchers as he was part of the group who was taking it at work. Not all is lost, but I am not sure about his connection. But that’s the point.

Am I supposed to take this next certification? It will cost me but the result will be a certification as a Trauma Specialist. I can work as a consultant for providers and schools. Do I  make this investment of time and money at this point? Not sure… So I wish for clarity of my path.

And my other wish is the health and strength to be physically able to do whatever is next. Some say if it is to be, I will be strong enough. I was lucky that there were other drugs to take when the Enbrel stopped working. The Simponi I am on is finally working. My 25 year old step daughter cannot keep up with me when we go shopping or work around the house. Granted, she is in terrible shape for a 25 year old. But I seem to have regrouped some of my energy and strength. I am so much better than I was a year ago at this time. Although I have stopped being extreme on my diet, I am still holding off the weight I lost. This month is not one for diets. We start celebrating the first week of June, and it goes right on until Father’s day when we celebrate that. You can never have enough birthday cake. We also are heading for The River for a while and I am going to enjoy myself. (I have a whole post brewing about being on a diet and how people can be so invasive of your life.)

I am hoping my time at The River will help me focus and find my footing again.  I am off to sit in my garden, give thanks for all I have received in my life, and acknowledge my gratitude to the Goddess for all she has given me and the world.  I am so blessed in so many ways. And I will again ask for guidance and direction.

So mote it be.



Changes and growth

Azalea 2

Ten years ago, mu husband’s only daughter decided living with us was too much. We did not have a penny to spare, we expected her to do chores, and sitting in her room sulking was only on a limited basis, permissible because she was 15 and it is just part of that age. She decided to move out and permanently live with her mother in California. It was the best thing possible on so many layers. We were finishing our Master’s and working multiple jobs. We did not have the time and patience for her shenanigans. And her mother kept trying to interject and it all added to the mess.

azalea and bug  After she moved across the country, we were all on friendly terms and E seemed happy. Less than two years later, her step-father, who was the nicest guy in the world, passed away from a brain tumor. It was the first in a series of things that confirmed that although we may not know it, there is a reason for everything. E’s move was necessary so she could be there to help her mother. The two of them spent the next years traveling and really bonding for the first time in their relationship. Her mother would not have ever won the Mother of the Year award, and when E’s parents divorced, her dad had sole custody. Her visits with her mom were short stints from the age of 7.

rhoda 1 2015 We knew that her mother did not take the best care of herself and there were repeated emergency phone calls when her mother was in the hospital. As time passed, E and her dad grew apart. My husband was angry about the whole thing, but would not inquire as to why she did not call or even acknowledge him. We believe that there were some “tales” told to E about her father as a retribution for the past.

Last fall, we got a weepy phone call out of the blue from her that her mother again was in the hospital. She did not come forth with the details until a few more phone calls. Her mother was dying and on a ventilator. She passed on when E ordered the vent turned off. As the next weeks of turmoil ensued, her mother’s family stepped in and all was decided that E would move back to this state but live with them. There was no consultation with her dad, even though we told her she could come back here to our house. I spent a lot of time helping her get organized for her move over the phone and email. Still, there was no desire on her part to come back home, here.

Without going into detail, the journey gets muddy as there was a lot of money involved. She moved back but pays whopping amount of  rent to live in a hovel of a house where she has one room. She helps supplement the family’s bills and I think there was hope she would continue indefinitely. At Easter, her dad drove down to get her and had her come up for the weekend. It was dicey at first but then the anger melted. We all enjoyed her time with us. She returned again for another visit and she sat and cried at our kitchen table, letting all the pain and anger at her mother out. She apologized to her dad and we just let the bad stuff all go.

rhoda 3

She asked if we could help her move back here and find a place of her own. She could well afford to and we of course thought it would be best at her age to have her own place too. She returned for another weekend two weeks ago and we found a cute little condo and she bought it. As we celebrated her growth, she opened up and told us a lot of what had transpired and how messed up things were from her mother’s situation. The trust left to her was tied up in legalities and her mother had not paid a bill in two years. E thought this was  a recent thing, but actually was the way her mother had always been. We took her to our lawyer and now she has a team of people supporting her. We are very proud of her.

The best thing is we are a family again. The anger and pain in my husband seems to have left and he is thrilled to have his “baby” close again. She and I have re-established our “maternal” friendship like nothing happened. We had gotten very close when she lived here before and that was part of the issue with her mother interjecting herself. She was jealous.

It is not all going to be peaches and cream. She has a lot of issues to fix. She has not worked and will need a job. She has the potential to have a healthy income from the trust, but it will be tied up for a while longer. Her mother was afraid to drive and never did and passed that on to E. She will need to learn to drive. She will need to finish her college pursuits, but there are a lot of opportunities locally for what she thinks she wants to do.

The best part is watching her blossom and grow. I am looking forward to seeing her fulfill her destiny. I love it when the three of us are doing things, whether it is all of making dinner or just sitting in the garden chatting. There is a sentiment that says helping others helps yourself, and I truly feel like that is true. Times have been tough in my life with work and I have been doubting I am making any impact in this world. Helping this young lady has been very beneficial for me.

rainbow 5-2015 View from my garden chair just this week.