A journal of healing

Posts tagged ‘childhood trauma’

4th of July Liberties

 

I was born in America. I have never experienced anything but the freedoms we have here in this country. I do not know any better and so I take it for granted. I am disgusted by piss-poor politicians and can be vocal about my feelings. I am entitled. I take for granted the rights and liberties we have. But I am proud to be an American.

However, I hate the way we celebrate this holiday with fireworks. I personally love the display and the colors. But I hate the noise. It upsets my little Cookie.

Last night we were all sitting in the garden as is our ritual before bed. The dogs take a walk around the yard. We call it the perimeter check. And then we sit for a bit and meditate. There were a few little pops in the distance and Cookie was a bit nervous but still quiet. Then a neighbor set off a huge firework which exploded right over the garden. She panicked.

We ran inside and she took off for the bedroom. I had prepared for this and had the air conditioner and fans going. We crawled into bed and she crawled on top of me and shook. I finally calmed her down and she fell asleep next to me but in my arms. I thought we were ok when another one went off. She again crawled on top of my chest and buried her face in my arms. Finally they stopped and she fell asleep attached to me on my side.

I know everyone has the right to celebrate. I wish they would go back to making fireworks illegal in NY. There are enough displays that are set off by the municipalities to enjoy. I am sure tonight and the next night will be even worse for my little dogs. Browny does not seem to get upset by the noise. But he does get upset when Cookie is upset.

I wish I could teach them something I just learned. I am taking a class to become a Certified Trauma Professional. This class has taught me so much about PTSD and trauma. It is taught by Dr. Eric Gentry, who is an internationally recognized leader in the field of disaster and clinical traumatology.

He teaches that people cannot feel the effects of stress or trauma in a relaxed body. Seems so simple. But he explains in length how the human body is always reacting to triggers of some kind. People who have had extended periods of some form of trauma are in a hypervigilant mode all the time. There are chemical reactions in the brain and the parasympathetic and sympathetic systems go into over drive.  In short, our body is in control.

He explains that we need to be aware that this is always on in one degree or another. And we react by constricting our muscles all day. An example is when at the end of the day, you neck and shoulders are way up and hurt and you have no idea why. It is the constriction of the muscles that you held in a clench all day. We clench our muscles everywhere. It is one cause of leg cramps and back pain.

It is common now for people to understand the concept of just take a breath. Dr. Gentry talks about the power of just taking a breath. He talked about other methods for getting control. But the method I think is amazing and it works is called the pelvic floor relaxation. First you have to become aware of the muscles in you hip area. Do a few kegal exercises by squeezing the muscles that can stop you when you pee. Now just completely relax that area completely. Do that several times a day. Concentrate on those muscles being relaxed when something stressful is happening and you will find you won’t be as stressed.

The issue is that the effect only lasts for a very short time. This is something you have to do all the time. It only takes a second and no one knows you are doing it. Another method to use  is called the wet noodle. This is where you go absolutely limp in a chair for ten seconds. It is like a mini vacation. The effect of being in a relaxed body is how people are learning to deal with PTSD and every day stress.

I wish I could teach my little pup this. But for her, the only comfort is a dark quiet room and being held by her Mommer.

10 Things I would tell me when I was twenty.

floers

I am turning 62 this week. I am not sure how I got so old so fast. Don’t say it isn’t old because it is. The government says I am old enough to get social security. I will start to receive my teacher’s pension. I get hearing aid ads all the time and senior housing offers. I am five years older than my mother when she died and I am only nine years younger than the age my father passed. If I could, this is what I would have told myself when I was younger.

  1. STOP WORRYING. You really have no control over things, so stop worrying. Have more faith in yourself that you are smart and will figure it out as it comes. But trying to put everything into a safe controlled environment is futile. Shit happens. There is nothing that will come your way that was not supposed to happen and you will be fine.
  2. Trust your gut. When it seems like someone is a schmuck, they are. Don’t trust everything people tell you. If a situation feels wrong, run the other way. Believe that you intuitively know what is best for you and go with it.
  3. Stop trying to please everyone else and please you. People will take advantage of you if you let them. No one is going to give you what you really want so get it yourself. Do not put yourself last. When you get to the end of your life, you will be bitter and angry, not revered for being so generous.
  4. Don’t make people, men especially, a project. You may think you are helping them, but actually you taking care of their lives because they are selfish and lazy. They can take care of themselves, you take care of you. If someone attaches, they are a sucker in every fashion and will deplete you. Or they are a predator and you are fresh meat. They will resent you in the long run.
  5. Find things that make you happy and then do them. When you change your world to please someone else, they do not truly care for you. If they did, they would honor your choices and support you. When someone tries to change you, run! Be who you are. Do things you love.
  6. Go find someone who wants what you want. If you want a family, go find someone else who wants children. There is a small window of time when you can be a mother. If this was what you want, you need to find a partner who loves you enough to complete that part of you. See numbers 3 and 5.
  7. Forgive. Try with all you heart to forgive. Yes there are things that are so egregious that happen that you may not be able to forgive easily. Then seek for understanding and then move on. Get good help such as counseling and support. Stop blaming yourself for the things people have done to you. It is their fault and their problem. You did not deserve it and you don’t deserve to keep punishing yourself for their crimes.
  8. You are beautiful. Accept it. Do not listen to what others have said; they are wrong. So very wrong. Do not try to fit into the mold others want you to. If they love you, they will accept every ounce, every freckle, every inch of you. Believe in your beauty and radiate. Stop hiding and feeling like a monster. The monsters are the voices that tell you are disgusting. Do not give them the satisfaction of bringing you down. Take care of yourself. Do not live a life of deprivation in order to meet some unrealistic goal. Accept who and what you are.
  9. Don’t bury the gifts you have. You have a voice and a musical talent. Do not stop making music. It is who you are. You have art and theater in you. It is your being. When you bury these because someone makes you miserable about participating, realize they are jealous. If they love you, they want you to be all of who you are.
  10. This is the most important: Stop being afraid. It will make you very sick. Figure out why you are so afraid. Seek help before it takes over and you become incapacitated. Learn coping mechanisms. Get rid of the things or people who are making you afraid. Have more faith in yourself that you are the master of your world and you are fine. Learn to be independent and fearless. Travel and meet new people. Do not let someone isolate you from your friends and the things you love. These are the gifts you are meant to have. Do not let the nasty voices from the  past haunt you the rest of your life. They cannot hurt you anymore unless you let them. They will not be there when you are older. Don’t give them the power to continue to hurt you and make you feel less than you are.

 

The stories we tell ourselves

floers

We all have a constant dialogue running in our heads. It is our story teller. We are wired to do this. We actually reward ourselves when we tell ourselves a complete story by releasing the pleasure hormone, oxytocin. Much of this I learned from a course I am taking on Courage Works with Brene Brown (http://www.courageworks.com/classes/living-brave-semester/lessons. The issue is we automatically believe the story, whether it is true or not.

I find that I am a consummate story teller in my head. I react very quickly to situations and it can be as minute as a look. Off in my head will go a whole scenario with a beginning, middle and end. For example, a simple look from someone will trigger my automatic reaction to my lack of self-worth and I take the look to mean I have done something. Then I will concoct a reason such as there must be something wrong with my physical appearance that made them look at me that way. I will then come up with a defense mechanism, which may be a snotty look of my own. That will put that person off, because in their head, they will do the same thing. The end of the story is they don’t like me and we react negatively to each other which only reinforce the story. I accept this and feel satisfied because in my head it makes sense. The hormones rewards me and I take this as gospel. But the truth is, when I walked in, she was even thinking about me, she had gas. She looks up and sees me glowering at her, and reacts.

Not only do we tell stories but we also automatically go to the negative side of things. We are also programmed to do that. It is call negative bias. We are hardwired to look for the danger in things as a safety mechanism. When a person is repeatedly exposed to constant trauma such as mental and physical abuse, this negative bias is rooted so deeply that it can be insurmountable to overcome. Trust is non-existent. The story mechanism bases its content on the facts of history within the person. So if someone has had negative outcomes from interpersonal relationships, especially if they were intimate relationships, the foundation for negativity is huge. It is the go-to end to all stories.

Seems like that would make the person a distant and unfriendly soul, and that is what happens often. That feeds their story ending pool because it keeps the person safe. They know what to expect and so in their heads, their story has the expected outcome and there is no surprises. Being vulnerable is too overwhelming. To some extent, we all do this and it is very difficult to overcome. We have to learn to draw boundaries and we have to learn to pay attention to our stories.

This has been a huge revelation for me. I jump right in and write these stories in my head about situations and they are always so dramatic and crucial. Many times, I paint myself a victim and in fairness to me, it is based on experience. But since I have been learning about this, I find that I can now stop and say, “Whoa, this is a story I am writing.” Sometimes I find myself grinning at this thought because it means I am aware, which is good.

This is where all this goes. There are few things in the world we really can control. Story telling is one. We can actually change the ending of the story if we want. If we want is the hard part. It requires that you look beyond the experience and expectations we set for things. It means we have to be vulnerable and exposed because there is a lot of comfort in being able to say, “I told you so,” even if we are saying this to ourselves. We like to be right. “See I told you she didn’t like me.” When in truth, SHE never gave me any real indication of not liking me, she just had gas. But before any real interaction could occur, the wall was up, protection was in place and the story ended as expected. But it was not true.

Pam Grout (http://pamgrout.com/ wrote a series of books on setting expectations. In her work, she talks about expecting miracles. I tried doing her experiments and had some interesting outcomes. It is sort of the same principal of writing your story only it is more writing the beginning of our stories. She says that if you expect miracles, write it as a must fill expectation, you will discover miracles. Just like we write the ending, we can also write the beginning. How different would my experience been if I had walked into a room, and instead of narcissistically thinking it’s all about me, I just smiled at everyone and expected to be received. MY energy would have been positive, which would have caused an automatic reaction to my positive personal energy. The beginning of my story could have been expecting a positive outcome. The middle of my story would have included being more open and trusting and therefore easier to work with. Can you figure out the ending?

Its a Gut feeling

vegas nerve

Have you ever wonder if there is a connection to having gut issues and being under stress? Why do some people always  seem to be sick? Why is it that when facing a lot of issues some people end up with sore tummies and other disturbances? It is because of the connection to the autonomic nervous system.

The autonomic nervous system (ANS) is a division of the peripheral nervous system that influences the function of internal organs.[1] The autonomic nervous system is a control system that acts largely unconsciously and regulates bodily functions such as the heart rate, digestion, respiratory rate, pupillary response, urination, and sexual arousal. This system is the primary mechanism in control of the fight-or-flight response and the freeze-and-dissociate response. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Autonomic_nervous_system

This is the system that regulates how we physically adapt (or not) to pressure and challenging situations. It is the system that keeps animals safe and helps them to employ tactics such as being able to run at super speed or feign death in a freeze like mode. This system triggers chemical such as adrenalin and cortisol to help the being physically have the juice it needs to do what it needs to do in the form of flight, fit or freeze.

People have the same ability of flight, fit or freeze. We adapt to situations with the ramp up of the same chemical juices during times of stress. For people who are in stressful situations all the time, this chemical and nervous system process does not have time to deregulate. The human never goes back to “normal”. Hence: Post-traumatic stress syndrome. PTSD.

We think children have a natural resilience and are not affected by stressful things. We dismiss their stress with sayings like: “They will get over it.” Or “they are too young to understand what is happening.”

What really happens is that the child internalizes it. It may be hard for parents to see that their child senses stress differently and how that correlates into health issues in the child. It is also complicated by the fact that two people can be exposed to the same stressful situation and one will react and be done with it and the other will have it affect them harder and for a long time. We add to that sensitive child’s issues by naming that child a sissy and telling them that their issues is insignificant . That adds a layer of guilt on top of it and makes the child withdraw further.

The same situation happens with adults. Some people do not deal well with stress and have learned to not say anything, because there can be a layer of judgment that comes from people, including medical providers. Even people who teach tools such as mediation and mindfulness can be critical of those who struggle to “find their zone.” We are all hardwired differently and all meditating in the world cannot really change that.

The Ace Study was a scientific research study that identified the link to maltreatment of children and chronic illness. They program has grown and is now widely accepted yet many providers still do not know about this epic study. It states emphatically that there is a correlation to childhood trauma and adult stress and chronic illness.

What needs to happen in the medical world is a change in thinking. Current medical practice is symptom management. There is a medical issue we throw medicine at it to eliminate the symptoms. When people return over and over for the same issue, there probably is more there and the illness is not actually the main problem. This is what being trauma informed is all about.

For those of you like me who have chronic issues, there is a new thinking out there that really is helping me cope. I wish I could find the article but I cannot so I will have to paraphrase. This was from a young man who has multiple disabilities and chronic illness. He is currently in a monastery and is not writing.

He said instead of trying to cope and bury your issues, live with them. We are a society where other people’s suffering makes us uncomfortable. He said that is why people want to help. It is not really about the sufferer, it is about the dis-ease that suffering generates. We want to eradicate it before we become part of it. I will write more about this in another post.

But for the sufferer, they are taught to move on, get over it or take a pill. It dismisses the being. It diminishes their lives and their history. What would happen if we all were allowed to live with our baggage instead of struggling to remove it? What if we accepted our plights and accept what comes our way as being human. Instead of guilt and anger, we would learn honor and virtue. Being human is messy. It does not come with instructions and no one has the same path.

This is the current direction of the ACE movement. The focus is to help children who live in violence and maltreatment to speak up. They are encouraged to talk about their situation and ask for help and without shame or guilt. But what about all the adults who grew up in households that were littered with dirty little secrets like incest and drunken violence. We were told to never tell.

All though this post rambled on through many different topics, they really are all connected. We are human. We have uncontrollable systems within our bodies that regulate physical reactions. We taught at an early age to cope. But we don’t really; we camouflage our emotions that eventually manifest in illness.

What do you think would happen if there was a change that allowed people to say, “yeah, I am really struggling here?” and have the reply not be…. “let me fix that or let me change you?”

 

 

 

 

 

 

Resolutions

dog1  It has been almost two months that I have been going through a “thing.” I am on the other side of it now and thought I would share. To help illustrate my thoughts, this young golden was photographed up at the docks in the TI Park, 1000 Islands. It is one of my favorite places.

Just before vacation, I took my shot for my Psoriatic Arthritis. I have been on Simponi for about eight months with some relief, but not great. This time, I had a reaction at the injection site which is something I have never experienced before.

At work, I was having issues with one of my employees who is enthusiastic, but a royal pain in the butt. She was working on a project and had managed to take a small pilot and manifest it into a major fiasco that was causing issues everywhere. She also was racking up hours that I did not have budgeted as she is per diem. I decided to have a meeting with her and my boss to get some clarity on her role. She went absolutely bat shit in the meeting and accused me of all sorts of mismanagement. She was almost screaming and my boss said nothing. And her main point was that I did not understand because “I am not a clinician”.  Anyone who knows me knows this is a hot button for me. I sat in the meeting listening to her accused me of cancelling meetings with her and not responding to emails and more lies. I felt my chest tighten and thought, “holy shit, I am having a heart attack.” The pain was sharp and frightening. I disengaged from the meeting and let her rant. I figured my boss would see through her lines of bull. But I was extremely upset.

The next day, and the last day before my vacation, I went to see my boss and expected she would say that this girl was nuts. Instead, she lambasted me with “I need to communicate with her and manage her better.” I was stunned.

By then, I was feeling really crappy. I was going to my favorite place in the world and I was anxious and upset. My gut was killing me. I never truly let go of the meeting and situation at work and at night, I was having heart flutters and anxiety attacks. During the day, I felt bloated. I knew my blood pressure was up. My stomach and gut was flaring with pain.

dog2

When I came back, I emailed the employee and asked that she validate everything she accused me of. She said in the meeting she had emails of me cancelling her and using a “tone” with her. I went through my stuff and found nothing; I have been keeping every email she ever wrote. I spoke with my boss who apologized when she came back from her wedding and vacation because she realized she had inadvertently validated this person. With both knew that was disastrous.

dog4

Three weeks from taking the shot, my blood pressure was still extremely high for me and I was dizzy and felt out of it. I was still having some flutters and tightness, so I called the doctor. He ran blood tests on everything and many of my levels were extremely high, including my sugar. (HA1C) By the time I saw him, it was a month from the shot. He decided to put me on a beta blocker to help lower my still high blood pressure. It was a tiny dose of metoprolol.

But OMG, did I have a reaction from it. First I had insomnia, then that went away. Then I was nauseous every morning and the short 20 minute ride to work was a nightmare as there are no bathrooms. I had several close calls. Then the diarrhea was all the time. I was gaining weight every morning which was counter intuitive to the output I was having. I felt like…pardon the pun, shit. I was going to see the doctor again soon. I had all the tests redone and then decided enough was enough and weaned myself off the drug. The results from the lab indicated everything was fine. After going off this drug that was supposed to help my cardiac issues, they all stopped. MY BP at the doc’s visit was 124/80. MY HA1C was back below my prior visits and so were most of my levels. Problems solved.

And this issue with the employee? She went off on a tangent and was spreading lies about me to people. She never validated any of her claims and when I met with her and again called her on it, she said, “oh, let’s not open that all up again.” She was racking up staggering hours and when I called her on them, she would push back with more bullshit. The results of her craziness combined with putting her nose in places it did not belong ended up with another meeting with three directors and myself and my boss, the VP of HR.

dog5

Finally, after almost two years of her torment, she will be put on a plan of improvement that will be so restrictive that she will probably quit. She will be mandated to remain solely in the position she was hired for, which is an instructor and abandon all other pursuits. But if she does not and continues with us, she will surely cross the line in a very short time and then we will severe her from the agency. She will have to eat crow big time because she is facing insubordinate charges but will remain under my supervision. Finally, someone heard me. One of the directors she went to with her garbage suggested she be mandated to go to EAP, for psych support. This employee has burned all her bridges.

And me? I am feeling like my old self for the first time in a long time. Was it just the shot? I do not think so, although a big contributor. I think it was a lot about not being heard and validated. It brought back many feelings from my childhood where I was invisible but took a lot of punishment for the sins of my siblings. I hate when people dismiss me, or say I am over reacting. I hate when I see people getting away with things because they lie or are weasels. I am a good manager and a fair one.  I have never had such a renegade employee in all my thirty plus years of managing people where I had so little control. The stress truly was affecting me. PTSD, the gift that keeps on giving.

 

PTSD and trust

black Heron

I got caught again. People with PTSD have a major issue with trust. But deep inside there is this flame that longs for two things from this world: A place to belong and the ability to trust. I have neither. Simply put, I do not belong because I do not trust. And I do not trust because I am an outsider. I do not trust because I have learned not to, which makes it difficult because I am always keeping a distance to protect myself, which makes me an even bigger outsider.

I came to this conclusion most recently when I was doing some deep thinking about my current state of life. I am too old to be naive, and yet I am. I fall for the most ridiculous things. I still hope after all these years that people will be good. But I am finding that not to be so and it seems more prevalent now than even before. Being kind used to be revered and now it is a sign of weakness. The more tough and nasty you are, the better you will survive. And thinking about my childhood, I should be as hard as a rock. But I am not at all. Just the opposite.

And so at this late stage of my life, I do not trust anyone…including myself. Which is a very precarious place to be. I open myself up because of my expectations only to be dashed because they are not anyone else’s expectation.

What I have worked so hard to heal will truly never heal as people continually rip the wound open.

I am trying hard right now to figure out why this is. What am I supposed to learn from all this? Am I here to feel this pain for a reason? I believe in reincarnation and I wonder if this go-around is in part to work through a previous life where I deceived people? What am I supposed to grapple from this struggle?

As we approach the fall season, I will turn even more inward. In future years, when I won’t be working fulltime, this will be my isolation time. For now, I have to continue in the world I am in. My heart is not in it. I have no patience and my tolerance for bullshit is non-existent. I want to sleep all the time and instead suffer long periods of wide-wake reality checks in the middle of the night. I am physically sick and my hypervigilance is in full gear. I am being cold to people but inside as vulnerable as ice in the dessert. I can’t blame it on hormones or any other female issues. I will say it is very cyclical with me, which makes me hopeful that this too shall pass.

 

 

I am a sinner!!!

pink clouds 8-15

“I am a sinner. I have done something so egregious in my life that I deserve completely the issue at hand.”

This is how someone who has PTSD brought on by childhood trauma thinks. This is how a woman copes with the reality of living within an abusive relationship of a spouse or family member. This is what the perpetrator tells them and when it is someone you are supposed to trust, you take it as gospel.

The lesson is learned early when in innocence, the child or woman stands up to the inflictions and is beaten worse or punished even more cruelly. There is guilt placed on them that they are so flawed that their judgement is totally wrong. When you add isolation, which often happens, the person is so humiliated because they are led to believe they have caused their own situation and it is their entire fault. So they submit which is why so many people end up either dead or remain in the relationship.

Children often have no escape. They hear nothing but ridicule and criticism. They are abused mentally, physically and sexually by members of their closet trust unit, their family. This circle of constant wearing down of any self-worth is worn like a cloak and the energy given off to others in the world is a reflection of this lack of confidence. People treat people as the person treats themselves. And this only perpetuates their loss of confidence. When all hopes of a bright future are dashed at the malicious behavior of others, the person mentally gives up.

What happens in the body is another story. The body is designed to protect us. I have written a lot about the reaction of trauma and there is a ton of information on the physical deterioration of the human life form from trauma whether it is a one-time happening or many. There is evidence based research on the impact of trauma and the propensity of chronic illness later on in life. Please read the Ace Study information here: http://www.acestudy.org/

Now repeat this treatment for fifty years and then ask, who could possibly have a different outcome of low esteem and self-deprivation? How could the body after all those years of cortisol floods and other hormones and muscles in a permanent clinch all the time not affect the health of someone? This is my story. It is not about sympathy and it is very difficult, more difficult to talk and write about than anything I have ever done because you see….I am a sinner. I still in my subconscious think I deserved everything that ever happened to me. And so the manifestation of chronic illnesses is only another reinforcer.

The reason I am writing about this stems from another blog of the dear Dr. Victo Doloro: https://doctorly.wordpress.com/2015/08/27/eroding/ . It is about how obese patients are treated by the medical community. I wrote a long reply to that but it made me come to grips with something currently in my own life.

A week or so ago, I started to feel like absolute crap. We were headed out for vacation; I was able to quell the uneasiness of my ickiness with the anxiety of the trip. I always am anxious to some extreme, but going away is very difficult. I lose what little safety I think I have. Once away, I still was anxious and I thought it was about work. It is what I do. I find a reason for something so I can deal with the guilt of not being perfect. Although we had a splendid time, I knew something was wrong Big Time. We got back and the symptoms did not get better. If anything, I felt worse. I had my nurse educator take my blood pressure and sure enough it was up there, more so than it has been for a long while. I decided to look at my glucose, and yup, it was up. I took readings for four days and it was constantly up there.

I did a very difficult thing. I called my doctor and made an appointment and I asked him to order all sorts of blood work. On Friday, the lab tests came back and there was nothing significant in the findings. I was within a range I had been in before. This summer had been a whirlwind of barbeques and going out every weekend and enjoying ice cream cones while sitting by the canal. And I just came back from vacation where we treated ourselves to what-ever we wanted including shell fish. I had brought all my numbers down when I was on Weight Watchers and because of the change in eating habits, I actually as mindful on the trip and not a crazy fool. I only gained four pounds back from which meant I was still 20 pounds lighter than where I was less than a year ago. Just knowing that made me feel better.

This morning, the last test came back (urine) and it was off the chart. From what I can tell, my kidney crashed again. I had taken a shot (Simponi for my Psoriatic Arthritis) the Wednesday before we left. I had a reaction at the injection site I have never had before (I have had seven shots of this product) I noticed the next day that I felt like my blood pressure was up and I was very stressed. As I said, the anxiety of the trip and so forth. On the trip, I was not drinking water as much as I normally do because of how much I have to pee every five minutes and you can’t do that when you are traveling. I also consumed restaurant food which has a ton more salt than I use. But according to what I have read, I should have edema, and I don’t. There is also the possibility that the test was contaminated and the outrageous reading is inaccurate.

But here is the point of this long epistle. It took me four days to call the doctor. Why? Because in my mind I am totally blaming myself for whatever is happening. I am in a state of being triggered from guilt and the fear of oncoming punishment. For me, having to go to the hospital for more tests makes everything in my body tighten to the point of almost being crippled. I am sure it is adding to the heighten BP. Worse is the treatment I know I will receive. My GP is not like that. But this will surely mean a trip to a nephrologist and/or endocrinologist. My last experience was beyond awful and I wrote about it in Victo’ s post and I have written before about it. Even the nephrologist I saw never talked to me about kidney disease, but only about he bet me I would be so much healthier if I lost 25 pounds. HELLO??? I did and this happened anyways.

I feel in the depth of my soul like I have been captured like a caged animal and I am trapped. Now I will be paraded like a circus animal where people can poke fun and ridicule me. They will tell me that this is all my fault because I am fat and from the front desk to the person who will have to weight me, they will treat me terrible. It is an awful feeling. But I know I have to do something. My fear at one point was so strong that I almost said “screw it. I have to die of something.” Then my new found bravery came into play and I am facing this head on. First asshole who says something that this is my fault because I am fat is going to get an earful from me. I wish I could come up with a card to hand out starting with, “ you are an uniformed asshole! IF you only knew…..” The other thing that this and the conversations on Victo’s blog did was reinforced my desire to continue to work in trauma informed studies. I completed a certification last year in working with organizations to be more trauma informed. There is another longer certification in becoming a trauma informed specialist and I am going to go for that this year.

I know that the fear of seeking medical help is extremely common. The level of anxiety brought on from illness for people with PTSD from any form of trauma is unmeasurable. It is a major cause of suicide. It is only in recent years that PTSD is acceptable for people in the military. It was not uncommon and is still prevalent for soldiers returning to suffer major uncorrectable illnesses because of PTSD. They try to treat the illness and not the whole situation. There is still a stigma of being a weakling. People with childhood trauma and domestic violence victims are very much not understood or even accepted. Countless doctors do not do a trauma screen to see the route of diseases started back when they were physically abused when they were five. And until we stop  degrading and humiliating the victims, they are not going to speak up.

I am going to add to this, although I know this is going to be another post at another time. There is a lot of work out there dealing with people with PTSD and downregulating the body reaction to it. There is ton of stuff on mindfulness and meditation and sensory and energy work and other therapies. I have spent a ton of money and years on trying to find a solution. Although it has helped, some more than others, I am convinced that this is not the cure. I believe there is some so deeply engrained in the body that no one has actually discovered and is able to truly turn off. They can dim it, but not eradicate it. And, like anything, it is hard to say that this too is a failure. But this is all for another time.