A journal of healing

Posts tagged ‘alternative therapy’

Imminent death

Cubid

Last Tuesday, we got a frantic call from my sister-in-law (SIL) that my Mother in law (MIL) was admitted to the hospital with pneumonia. She was in the ED and not doing well. My MIL is 91. My husband and I left work and headed over there.

The poor woman was in terrible shape. She could not breath, was very agitated, had a fever and was dehydrated. My MIL had been in hospice once before, but now was under comfort care, which my SIL had agreed to. Under comfort care, they do not do anything to prevent death, other than make someone comfortable. In the ED, my SIL did a 180 and had them do whatever they could for my MIL in the hospital. She was even agreeing to intubation if needed.

My in laws both had very well written advance directives and MOLST saying they did not want any intervention that would mechanically support their lives. My FIL had actually signed himself into hospice when he knew the end was near.

The issue is that my SIL has total control. She is her health proxy. This has been a source of consternation for her oldest brother who wants total control of everything. Over the death of their father, the wound widened and I do not think it will be ever resolved between the two of them.

Meanwhile, my MIL is on high pressure oxygen, nothing by mouth, and is hooked up to IV’s. We were told on Wednesday night to consider comfort care as her time was short. My SIL refused. They continued with nebulizer treatments and suction up until Friday when they said they would no longer provide suction other than in her mouth. They had been shoving tubes down her to help her clear out. She has dementia and is incoherent most of the time. Thursday, she was out of it all day. My SIL said she was just sleeping, but no one could get her to “wake up.” The staff was pleaded with her to change her level and release her. My SIL kept saying “what did they know?”

Yesterday was the day she had agreed to sign her over. We all went to the hospital, including two grandchildren. We spent the morning at the funeral home planning her funeral. When we got to her room, she was more coherent and was telling all of us to enjoy our lives. She told us to take vacations and be happy. It was hard to understand her so her granddaughter decided to be translator. I believe she was embellishing her comments a bit. We had a priest come in and do last rites. After that, she seemed calmer and would come and go. She kept looking for her husband and brother, both passed.

However, my SIL reneged on her agreement and said she was not going to put her in comfort care. She said she likened it to putting a dog down. The MD stopped by and said that he did not think she was in pain and another 24 hours would not make a difference. She took those words as to she was getting better.

They have been very clear to all of us that Mom will never come off the high pressure O2. She is at the highest setting. Since she is on that, she will never eat through her mouth. She is wasting away. I am waiting for my SIL to agree to a feeding tube and then all hell will break out. Her potassium was so low, her toes were a curled knot. I have had toes cramps and they hurt badly. They are passing mega doses of potassium via IV and they said they cannot keep doing that, either. She has aspirated pneumonia which means she choked on something. They also discovered she had a heart attack, possibly when she choked. Her infection has not improved, but also has not gotten worse, which my SIL is taking as sign of recovery. She is so weak and is wasting away.

I love my mother in law. I have only known her for thirteen years. When she started with the dementia, they moved here from Florida. At family gatherings, she was often quiet or nasty. She would change when I was alone with her and was always sweet, even when she repeated herself over and over. My SIL never stayed with her over night for all the times we needed it when my FIL was sick. I did. Even now, she smiles at me when she is awake. Yesterday was weird because she did not know my BIL’s wife even though they have been married for almost thirty years. They, my MIL and other SIL,  have not gotten along for many years, stemming from issues my  SIL caused. However, yesterday she knew me and was asking for me. That did not help with the hard feelings.

It has been a long week. I am spending my days and evenings with my SIL and MIL. They restrained her as she keeps trying to pull everything off of her. I take that as her way of saying “let me go!” The only time they would allow her off of them is if my SIL and I are both in the room. They put them back on when it is just my SIL. I have been doing touch therapy and it helps to calm her down. My SIL is rude to the care team. I am not and I am asking the right questions. A couple of them know who I am as they have worked with me at URMHC. In my own world, I am way past due for my Humira for my PSA and I cannot take it and go to the hospital. It lowers my immune system and that would be like an invitation for me to get sick. So my own pain level is through the roof and I am gimping pretty badly. But I get to go home at night and my MIL will never, so I buck up.

I understand the decision my SIL has to make is hard. But she is disregarding what Mom wanted completely. This has pissed off my brother-in- law and his wife to no end. It is very uncomfortable when they are around which has not been too often. Somehow, they are pissed at my husband and I as we are trying to not get into the fray and keep our mouths shut. My poor husband has been an family outcast most of his life, partially his doing and partially because he is so neutral when it comes to family issues. They love drama.

I put my Mom into Hospice when she had cancer and made preparations to bring her home to die. She died that night. I was 23 years old. It is a long story why the decision was mine. My other SIL had to do the same thing for her mother a few years ago. It was not an easy decision for either one of us to make, but in the best interests of our mothers, we made it. I get that there is always the concern about such a decision; the what if?

I am hoping today my SIL will do the right thing. They will give her morphine and turn down the O2. I honestly think it will be quick and I hope not too dramatic. When we left yesterday, my SIL said, “I wish she would just fall asleep and go.” She does not equate the high pressure O2 as what is keeping her alive. But, my SIL is not the brightest bulb I have discovered.

My BIL said something so cruel that I was stunned the other day. He said, “Mom chose her to take care of her and so now she is getting exactly what she deserves.” Nice! No one deserves to die like this.

 

In the throes of PTSD

Bunnies 2

There are times in my life when I think why? Why do we as humans struggle so much just living. Was it like this since the beginning of time? Is there anyone out there who truly has no stress, no difficulties and breezes through live without conflict? Or is this what human nature means?

Being diagnosed with PTSD was the biggest ah-ha moment of my life. So much finally made sense in my world. Diagnosis means being aware and of all the medications and treatments, being aware the one thing that matters. Because I believe there is no cure. There is only living with it.

I have done as much mindfulness and meditation as humanely possible. I have sought treatments from cognitive behavior therapy to AAT and other forms of energy work. I am not saying they do not “work” but they do not cure. There is no cure. There is acceptance and awareness.

Last week, something tripped me over the weekend. I have no clue what. That is one of the tricky parts of having PTSD. You do not need to know what trips you off, it just happens. By Tuesday, I was in a full blown attack. During the day, I am anxious about stupid things like driving and loud noises. I jump at the slightest provocation. I am bit short in patience. But the telling sign for me is I gain a few pounds that won’t come off. And I have not changed what I am eating. My body pain level is extremely high and I have sharp pain in certain spots like my neck and shoulders which were tight as a trampoline. I cannot take a deep breath even when I doing breathing exercise. But the most telling is I do not sleep. Tuesday night I had about two hours of sleep. The rest of the week my sleep was fitful and full of nightmares that stay with me during the day.

On Wednesday, I was asked to do a presentation for the whole management group on a project I am leading. I then have to drive 40 miles one way to deliver the same presentation to another group. Just as I seemed to becoming down a bit, or maybe just calmer because of lack of sleep, this set me off to an even higher level of anxiety. Just writing this made me catch my breath. It is not that I am nervous about presenting. I just hate presenting to this group. Hate it! It is like they are sitting there with bared teeth waiting for you to make a mistake or in total judgment (which they are). Driving is another big time stressor. By the end of the day on Wednesday, I was a mess. The rest of the week I was a walking nerve fretting about it.

On Friday, I sat down to finish the PowerPoint and having accomplished that helped to calm me. Later at home that night when I was somewhat at peace, I went into my work email. Big mistake. We have a Coach from the med center who is overseeing the program I am presenting on. I am supposed to be learning from her because when she leaves in a couple of months, I am supposed to fill in. She never likes anything anyone is doing. We have had people actually go to our CEO and complain about her. She always has something to correct me on. I think she is a terrible coach. Sure enough, she hated the PowerPoint and said that she thought that only three of the fourteen slides had value. I just burst into tears and sobbed for a while. I was exhausted from the week and then this.

I did something I usually do not do. I fought back. I forwarded the email to my boss who is aware of the situation with the coach. I also sent an email back to the coach and said that it seems I never seem to get things right with her and this was making me very anxious. My boss wrote me back and said the PowerPoint was exactly what the administrators wanted and she liked it. I have not heard anything from the coach. But I felt I stood up for myself and that in itself is powerful. Shame is often a big part of having PTSD and so to stand up for myself was a big deal.

My thoughts for this week included feeling trapped. That is a sensation I have lived with forever and it is not because of any one situation. It is from years of emotional and mental abuse. I felt feel trapped in a job that is frustrating and limiting and often does not bring much satisfaction to me. It does not make me feel like I am contributing to the world. I am trapped as I need to work and the thought of switching jobs is worse than living with it….which is why I stayed in a shitty marriage for 27 years. Fear.

I hate the thought of presenting to this group because of their critical judgment. This is all management including the ones who are clawing their way up the chain and would do whatever they could to push someone out of their way.  This group also has staff that have been there a while and like the way it was always done…. Change agents are not welcome.  Fortunately, there are less of them now. There is a woman who will be in the audience who looks and act so much like my mother and I have had a terrible time with her. Her reputation is that she looks for the holes or mistakes in presentations and will pounce on any weakness. She constantly interrupts to ask for “clarification” and asks a million questions. Everyone knows this about her and it is a big joke, but it is also terrifying when she is grilling you. It does not help me that I have her position which she held for 12 years and she feels I am inadequate because I am not a nurse. When I first started, she had a posy of peers who felt the same way and made my work life difficult. A few of them have left or retired but she perseveres on.

The thing is… I know this is only fifteen minutes max of my life. I know this will pass. I know I will be fine driving 80 miles as it is not snowing and I take back roads.  I know that by Wednesday night, all this will be over. I know all this. I fight to be in the present moment and not worry about the future. I know perseverating on this only adds and does not help. I am writing as another act of trying to cope. I am employing techniques that have I learned to calm. I am trying to think before I react, which is another sign of being in the throes of PTSD. My reactions are over the top and visceral. I am using all the techniques and skills I have been taught to cope. They are helping some.

But sadly the truth is I just have to wait for it to pass. I can only hope that nothing else triggers me and I can deregulate down to a more homeostatic level. I know I will emerge once again out of the rabbit hole.

Bunny and Dove

 

 

 

 

Risky business

ashwagandha

If you knew that doing one thing in the hopes of a better situation would automatically cause another difficult situation to occur, would you take the risk. If you take any form of medicine, you do that daily. There is not one chemical drug out there that does not have some risk when you take it. They even put this in writing now on the drug pamphlets that come with the prescribed drugs. “Your doctor has prescribed this medication because he or she has judged that the benefit to you is greater than the risk of side effects.” Are you willing to take those odds?

Sometimes there is no choice. You have to live with the side effects. I have gone through a series of drugs and have come up with some real doozie side effects. I took a drug and after four days it covered me with painful hives from head to toe. The answer from the doctor was stop taking the drug. But I was taking it to fight off an infection. I have gone through three major biologics and now a pill for my psoriatic arthritis in less than a year and half. I reacted to one with blood pressure readings that were stroke level. “Stop the drug.” The next one put my glucose over 350. “Stop the drug.” The newest one causes incredibly leg cramps. But I am sticking with it because it is helping my arthritis and my skin is clearing. But I only take half a dose.

In my research to find out more about the side effects of the Otezla I started reading about natural remedies. I have always preferred a holistic approach to my wellness. I have dabbled in alternative medicine now for years. I even worked with a homeopath, but got concerned with the lack of certification requirements for that approach. I have participated in energy therapy training. I have been interested in green medicine or herb tinctures for years.

I have been learning about Ayurveda medicine and find it fascinating. There is so much about it that it makes great sense to me. I like that the practice really delves into the body makeup and the whole person from the on-set. I have never had a doctor ask me if I like or tolerate spicy foods. But in Ayurveda, everything about you from the foods you eat, to how you relate to the world is important and part of the symptom management.

What started me looking was the horrendous leg cramps I was getting. I also noticed I had an eye twitch and was experiencing sleep issues. The solution was magnesium. I have been taking 400 mg at night and the leg cramps have all but gone. But I was also waking up in the middle of the night with anxiety attacks and only sleeping for four hours or so and not getting a good night’s sleep. I added melatonin for sleep but I was worried because you are not supposed to take melatonin for long periods of time. I also started to have really bad nightmares.

In my research I came across an herb that is supposed to be a wonder remedy. Everything I have read about this herb is amazing. But I do not go by the ad information; I go to patient user boards and medical evidence based journals. What I find amazing is that this herb and so many have been around for thousands of years. You want to talk about evidence based time studies. We do not have that amount of prescribed time on any man made drug. Right there is reason to get interested.

The herb I am trying is Ashwagandha (Withania somnifera). It proposed to do so much for so many areas of wellness, many symptoms I experience. It helps with sleep issues, boosts the immune system, can lower blood glucose and also blood pressure. I encourage you to look it up because there is a lot out there on this herb and I do not want to sound like an ad.

I am fascinated with the possibilities of getting off as many man made drugs and all their rotten side effects as I can. When the drug I took that raised my glucose A1C to 9.3, the remedy was to take another drug at night to bring it back down. The second drug costs $421.00 a month (without insurance). It can cause pancreatic cancer. Wahooo…. Just what I want. I truly cannot tell if it lowered the levels, or getting off the drug that caused the higher level is what is lowering the levels. I would have to go off it and see what happens. Another risk, but I think I have to try it. I cannot take certain cheaper meds like metformin because my kidney was compromised years ago when I was prescribed a pharmaceutical nightmare. This is a never ending circle that many folks get caught in as the body ages and they start taking more and more drugs to feel better.

My cholesterol was normally low most of my life, again surprising the doctors. It has steadily increased over the years to the point of being 238. My doctor wants me on a statin to bring it down. I tried it and had an immediate reaction and said no. I started taking fish oil religiously this winter. My last lab showed my reading at 188. I dropped 50 points in two months with taking the fish oil which costs nothing. My husband also got off his prescribed statin and took fish oil and lowered his back down significantly as well. Fish oil has no side effect and is a cheap OTC solution.

The issue with non-prescribed and non-regulated herbs is dosage and interactions. A prime example is teas. Chamomile is a very popular one for calming and sleep. It can significantly thin your blood if consumed in quantity. What is that amount, I do not know. Many herbs and minerals can become toxic to the body and do more harm than good if taken in large doses, and that matters by the individual. If the government steps in to regulate this area of health, the cost will skyrocket. The Ashwagandha could possibly aide me in getting off two drugs, cost together over $650.00 a month (uninsured). A bottle of 60 capsules cost me $16.50 and that was a high end product and an expensive store.

I will share with my GP doctor next week when I see him my viewpoint on delving into more natural remedies. He is going to be surprised with the lab results as my A1C dropped over two points also in two months. He is a young Indian doctor and we have talked about natural remedies. I am not sure if this is a conflict of interest for him, but I want him to be aware. He did not prescribe the arthritis medications and was upset with the reactions I was having.

I also want to be clear that your wellness is a team effort. Unless you are a doctor, self-prescribing can be dangerous. But I also feel very strongly about forced care plans. I am very warry of any practitioner who promises the world or threatens patients who they deem non-compliant. “If you do not take this medicine I will not see you.” But patient centered care is my vocation and a whole other topic.

 

 

 

Its a Gut feeling

vegas nerve

Have you ever wonder if there is a connection to having gut issues and being under stress? Why do some people always  seem to be sick? Why is it that when facing a lot of issues some people end up with sore tummies and other disturbances? It is because of the connection to the autonomic nervous system.

The autonomic nervous system (ANS) is a division of the peripheral nervous system that influences the function of internal organs.[1] The autonomic nervous system is a control system that acts largely unconsciously and regulates bodily functions such as the heart rate, digestion, respiratory rate, pupillary response, urination, and sexual arousal. This system is the primary mechanism in control of the fight-or-flight response and the freeze-and-dissociate response. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Autonomic_nervous_system

This is the system that regulates how we physically adapt (or not) to pressure and challenging situations. It is the system that keeps animals safe and helps them to employ tactics such as being able to run at super speed or feign death in a freeze like mode. This system triggers chemical such as adrenalin and cortisol to help the being physically have the juice it needs to do what it needs to do in the form of flight, fit or freeze.

People have the same ability of flight, fit or freeze. We adapt to situations with the ramp up of the same chemical juices during times of stress. For people who are in stressful situations all the time, this chemical and nervous system process does not have time to deregulate. The human never goes back to “normal”. Hence: Post-traumatic stress syndrome. PTSD.

We think children have a natural resilience and are not affected by stressful things. We dismiss their stress with sayings like: “They will get over it.” Or “they are too young to understand what is happening.”

What really happens is that the child internalizes it. It may be hard for parents to see that their child senses stress differently and how that correlates into health issues in the child. It is also complicated by the fact that two people can be exposed to the same stressful situation and one will react and be done with it and the other will have it affect them harder and for a long time. We add to that sensitive child’s issues by naming that child a sissy and telling them that their issues is insignificant . That adds a layer of guilt on top of it and makes the child withdraw further.

The same situation happens with adults. Some people do not deal well with stress and have learned to not say anything, because there can be a layer of judgment that comes from people, including medical providers. Even people who teach tools such as mediation and mindfulness can be critical of those who struggle to “find their zone.” We are all hardwired differently and all meditating in the world cannot really change that.

The Ace Study was a scientific research study that identified the link to maltreatment of children and chronic illness. They program has grown and is now widely accepted yet many providers still do not know about this epic study. It states emphatically that there is a correlation to childhood trauma and adult stress and chronic illness.

What needs to happen in the medical world is a change in thinking. Current medical practice is symptom management. There is a medical issue we throw medicine at it to eliminate the symptoms. When people return over and over for the same issue, there probably is more there and the illness is not actually the main problem. This is what being trauma informed is all about.

For those of you like me who have chronic issues, there is a new thinking out there that really is helping me cope. I wish I could find the article but I cannot so I will have to paraphrase. This was from a young man who has multiple disabilities and chronic illness. He is currently in a monastery and is not writing.

He said instead of trying to cope and bury your issues, live with them. We are a society where other people’s suffering makes us uncomfortable. He said that is why people want to help. It is not really about the sufferer, it is about the dis-ease that suffering generates. We want to eradicate it before we become part of it. I will write more about this in another post.

But for the sufferer, they are taught to move on, get over it or take a pill. It dismisses the being. It diminishes their lives and their history. What would happen if we all were allowed to live with our baggage instead of struggling to remove it? What if we accepted our plights and accept what comes our way as being human. Instead of guilt and anger, we would learn honor and virtue. Being human is messy. It does not come with instructions and no one has the same path.

This is the current direction of the ACE movement. The focus is to help children who live in violence and maltreatment to speak up. They are encouraged to talk about their situation and ask for help and without shame or guilt. But what about all the adults who grew up in households that were littered with dirty little secrets like incest and drunken violence. We were told to never tell.

All though this post rambled on through many different topics, they really are all connected. We are human. We have uncontrollable systems within our bodies that regulate physical reactions. We taught at an early age to cope. But we don’t really; we camouflage our emotions that eventually manifest in illness.

What do you think would happen if there was a change that allowed people to say, “yeah, I am really struggling here?” and have the reply not be…. “let me fix that or let me change you?”

 

 

 

 

 

 

I am a sinner!!!

pink clouds 8-15

“I am a sinner. I have done something so egregious in my life that I deserve completely the issue at hand.”

This is how someone who has PTSD brought on by childhood trauma thinks. This is how a woman copes with the reality of living within an abusive relationship of a spouse or family member. This is what the perpetrator tells them and when it is someone you are supposed to trust, you take it as gospel.

The lesson is learned early when in innocence, the child or woman stands up to the inflictions and is beaten worse or punished even more cruelly. There is guilt placed on them that they are so flawed that their judgement is totally wrong. When you add isolation, which often happens, the person is so humiliated because they are led to believe they have caused their own situation and it is their entire fault. So they submit which is why so many people end up either dead or remain in the relationship.

Children often have no escape. They hear nothing but ridicule and criticism. They are abused mentally, physically and sexually by members of their closet trust unit, their family. This circle of constant wearing down of any self-worth is worn like a cloak and the energy given off to others in the world is a reflection of this lack of confidence. People treat people as the person treats themselves. And this only perpetuates their loss of confidence. When all hopes of a bright future are dashed at the malicious behavior of others, the person mentally gives up.

What happens in the body is another story. The body is designed to protect us. I have written a lot about the reaction of trauma and there is a ton of information on the physical deterioration of the human life form from trauma whether it is a one-time happening or many. There is evidence based research on the impact of trauma and the propensity of chronic illness later on in life. Please read the Ace Study information here: http://www.acestudy.org/

Now repeat this treatment for fifty years and then ask, who could possibly have a different outcome of low esteem and self-deprivation? How could the body after all those years of cortisol floods and other hormones and muscles in a permanent clinch all the time not affect the health of someone? This is my story. It is not about sympathy and it is very difficult, more difficult to talk and write about than anything I have ever done because you see….I am a sinner. I still in my subconscious think I deserved everything that ever happened to me. And so the manifestation of chronic illnesses is only another reinforcer.

The reason I am writing about this stems from another blog of the dear Dr. Victo Doloro: https://doctorly.wordpress.com/2015/08/27/eroding/ . It is about how obese patients are treated by the medical community. I wrote a long reply to that but it made me come to grips with something currently in my own life.

A week or so ago, I started to feel like absolute crap. We were headed out for vacation; I was able to quell the uneasiness of my ickiness with the anxiety of the trip. I always am anxious to some extreme, but going away is very difficult. I lose what little safety I think I have. Once away, I still was anxious and I thought it was about work. It is what I do. I find a reason for something so I can deal with the guilt of not being perfect. Although we had a splendid time, I knew something was wrong Big Time. We got back and the symptoms did not get better. If anything, I felt worse. I had my nurse educator take my blood pressure and sure enough it was up there, more so than it has been for a long while. I decided to look at my glucose, and yup, it was up. I took readings for four days and it was constantly up there.

I did a very difficult thing. I called my doctor and made an appointment and I asked him to order all sorts of blood work. On Friday, the lab tests came back and there was nothing significant in the findings. I was within a range I had been in before. This summer had been a whirlwind of barbeques and going out every weekend and enjoying ice cream cones while sitting by the canal. And I just came back from vacation where we treated ourselves to what-ever we wanted including shell fish. I had brought all my numbers down when I was on Weight Watchers and because of the change in eating habits, I actually as mindful on the trip and not a crazy fool. I only gained four pounds back from which meant I was still 20 pounds lighter than where I was less than a year ago. Just knowing that made me feel better.

This morning, the last test came back (urine) and it was off the chart. From what I can tell, my kidney crashed again. I had taken a shot (Simponi for my Psoriatic Arthritis) the Wednesday before we left. I had a reaction at the injection site I have never had before (I have had seven shots of this product) I noticed the next day that I felt like my blood pressure was up and I was very stressed. As I said, the anxiety of the trip and so forth. On the trip, I was not drinking water as much as I normally do because of how much I have to pee every five minutes and you can’t do that when you are traveling. I also consumed restaurant food which has a ton more salt than I use. But according to what I have read, I should have edema, and I don’t. There is also the possibility that the test was contaminated and the outrageous reading is inaccurate.

But here is the point of this long epistle. It took me four days to call the doctor. Why? Because in my mind I am totally blaming myself for whatever is happening. I am in a state of being triggered from guilt and the fear of oncoming punishment. For me, having to go to the hospital for more tests makes everything in my body tighten to the point of almost being crippled. I am sure it is adding to the heighten BP. Worse is the treatment I know I will receive. My GP is not like that. But this will surely mean a trip to a nephrologist and/or endocrinologist. My last experience was beyond awful and I wrote about it in Victo’ s post and I have written before about it. Even the nephrologist I saw never talked to me about kidney disease, but only about he bet me I would be so much healthier if I lost 25 pounds. HELLO??? I did and this happened anyways.

I feel in the depth of my soul like I have been captured like a caged animal and I am trapped. Now I will be paraded like a circus animal where people can poke fun and ridicule me. They will tell me that this is all my fault because I am fat and from the front desk to the person who will have to weight me, they will treat me terrible. It is an awful feeling. But I know I have to do something. My fear at one point was so strong that I almost said “screw it. I have to die of something.” Then my new found bravery came into play and I am facing this head on. First asshole who says something that this is my fault because I am fat is going to get an earful from me. I wish I could come up with a card to hand out starting with, “ you are an uniformed asshole! IF you only knew…..” The other thing that this and the conversations on Victo’s blog did was reinforced my desire to continue to work in trauma informed studies. I completed a certification last year in working with organizations to be more trauma informed. There is another longer certification in becoming a trauma informed specialist and I am going to go for that this year.

I know that the fear of seeking medical help is extremely common. The level of anxiety brought on from illness for people with PTSD from any form of trauma is unmeasurable. It is a major cause of suicide. It is only in recent years that PTSD is acceptable for people in the military. It was not uncommon and is still prevalent for soldiers returning to suffer major uncorrectable illnesses because of PTSD. They try to treat the illness and not the whole situation. There is still a stigma of being a weakling. People with childhood trauma and domestic violence victims are very much not understood or even accepted. Countless doctors do not do a trauma screen to see the route of diseases started back when they were physically abused when they were five. And until we stop  degrading and humiliating the victims, they are not going to speak up.

I am going to add to this, although I know this is going to be another post at another time. There is a lot of work out there dealing with people with PTSD and downregulating the body reaction to it. There is ton of stuff on mindfulness and meditation and sensory and energy work and other therapies. I have spent a ton of money and years on trying to find a solution. Although it has helped, some more than others, I am convinced that this is not the cure. I believe there is some so deeply engrained in the body that no one has actually discovered and is able to truly turn off. They can dim it, but not eradicate it. And, like anything, it is hard to say that this too is a failure. But this is all for another time.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mid-summer thoughts

sunshine streamers

It is hard to believe that summer is half over. It has been a wet one and cool. The last moments of my day is usually spent in the garden in my chair. It has been so cool, that I can still wrap myself up in blankets. This also helps to keep the profuse mosquitos off of me.  I spend this time thinking about things that have happened in the day and then meditation…..which often ends up with me waking up to my glasses being fogged up as I have dropped my head into the blanket when I fall asleep.

I am currently devouring anything written by Stuart Wilde. I really like his teachings and the way he deals with the study of metaphysics. He is not preachy nor punitive. But his concepts really resonate with me. One theory he speaks about is that we all choose our path, starting with our family. He states that before we hit the earthly plan, we know exactly what we are getting ourselves into. There is a reason for it, a lesson to learn, growth to obtain with the results making us better for the next time around. The issue is, once we hit the earthly plane in birth, the concepts go deep inside.

fluffy 1 It is our path to discover and figure out. There may be moments of realization when something strikes a chord inside. There are many people who would argue and say why would I ever choose to place myself in the circumstances of my family? It was horrific and I have spent the rest of my life suffering from their influence be it violence or sexual abuse.

to the water

Well my thinking is, and very much based on his teachings, is that there is something to learn from your history? You just have to choose how you’re going to handle it. Are you supposed to become an advocate for others to help them grow and understand? Is there purpose to strife? I think so.

to the water2

I think we are all supposed to gravitate to our higher self. I think as we develop we are supposed to become strong and steady. And once we achieve enough balance, then we can stand as role models and guides. There is such a fine line not to cross in helping others. You always have to ask are you helping someone or are you stroking your own ego? Sometimes doing nothing is the best answer. Sometimes, teaching is the answer. But surviving and being the best you can be in spite of the circumstances is achieving the highest goal.

 mom g

Birthday wishes for me

roses

On turning 61

I am not sure how and when, but tomorrow I turn 61. My last birthday at 60 was terrible. I am more used to the number but still overwhelmed with the swift passing of time. As the years accumulate, the time seems to expedite like traveling down a slope, picking up speed as I tumble and slide. There are no brakes.  I can see how the feeling of hopelessness can accompany someone as they age but that is not how I am feeling. Ok, well not all the time.

My dearest friend and I spent Friday night sitting in the garden and talking about our lives. We asked each other what we would do if we could do anything in our golden years of retirement. Her dream is to get into an RV and drive the country taken pictures and blogging about them. What a wonderful idea. My brain immediately went to all the reasons why I would not be able to do that. Fear is the biggest road block to happiness.

I have no clue what I would do. I could only see myself as I am now, working where I am and in my current home. That is not the real desire, but I could not put myself to the future and relinquish the controlled life I have now.  It spoke volumes about the level of stress I am in right now.

I am a believer of the power of vision. We all have the ability to close our eyes and “see” things, but you have to be ready and you have to really concentrate. The concept of the third eye and dream visions and so forth are real and has been around forever. I am not gifted like some with the power of vision, but I have an amazing empathic sense of the current situation. This is not to say I haven’t ever had visions or knowledge of something without tangible proof.

I find the lack of a plan for the future unsettling. I like to have a direction or path with a destination of some sort even if it is only a stopping point to the next place. Some say it is the journey not the destination that counts. Not having a plan is making me feel a bit lost and hitting this marker of my birthday had caused this concern to resurface.

I know every day is a blessing for me at this point. I watched my parents and many friends and family depart this plane of existence too early. I have always said I want to leave this world a better place because of my influence. I thought it would be through my own children, and that was not to be. I thought teaching was my contribution, but my level of influence in that area is negligible.

There is something  deep within me that says there is something I am supposed to do that will make a bigger difference in the world. I really only became aware of this in the past few years. It is like a simmering pot that has been turned up. We all have a calling, but many people do not hear it. For me, it burns within and shouts in my head. But it is unclear as to what it is supposed to be. It is very frustrating and being so adds to the noise and muddles the resolution. Meanwhile, time keeps ticking away.

I spent a lot of time studying many spiritual things. I read about neuroscience and the workings of the brain. I have done energy work and spent a small fortune on taking classes in Healing Touch and Reiki and Mindfulness. I have read volumes from the nonsense of Doreen Virtue, the science of many doctors like Peter Levin, and Robert Scaer to the prophecies of Eckhart Tolle, Brene Brown, Eric Pepin and Don Ruiz. I have over sixty or so spiritual books in my Kindle alone. My newest author is Stuart Wilde and I am devouring his books like candy.  I have studied Christian, Buddhist, Zen and Pagan methodologies and teachings. I lean more to a Pantheist viewpoint with rituals and the Craft.   I have taken classes in trauma treatment and may work on another certification in the fall.  It all is leading somewhere.

On this eve of this birthday, I am sending birthday wishes for a few things. I need a guide. I have known this for a while and have been asking every night for a guide. I had a dream about a friend of mine at work who is the Spiritual Chaplin for hospice. The next day, he stopped by at my desk. Was that the opportunity and I blew it? We talked about Weight Watchers as he was part of the group who was taking it at work. Not all is lost, but I am not sure about his connection. But that’s the point.

Am I supposed to take this next certification? It will cost me but the result will be a certification as a Trauma Specialist. I can work as a consultant for providers and schools. Do I  make this investment of time and money at this point? Not sure… So I wish for clarity of my path.

And my other wish is the health and strength to be physically able to do whatever is next. Some say if it is to be, I will be strong enough. I was lucky that there were other drugs to take when the Enbrel stopped working. The Simponi I am on is finally working. My 25 year old step daughter cannot keep up with me when we go shopping or work around the house. Granted, she is in terrible shape for a 25 year old. But I seem to have regrouped some of my energy and strength. I am so much better than I was a year ago at this time. Although I have stopped being extreme on my diet, I am still holding off the weight I lost. This month is not one for diets. We start celebrating the first week of June, and it goes right on until Father’s day when we celebrate that. You can never have enough birthday cake. We also are heading for The River for a while and I am going to enjoy myself. (I have a whole post brewing about being on a diet and how people can be so invasive of your life.)

I am hoping my time at The River will help me focus and find my footing again.  I am off to sit in my garden, give thanks for all I have received in my life, and acknowledge my gratitude to the Goddess for all she has given me and the world.  I am so blessed in so many ways. And I will again ask for guidance and direction.

So mote it be.

 

 

Getting juiced

rhoda3

Over fifteen years ago, getting juiced meant sitting and drinking all night long. It was my method of numbing. I would consume a ton of crushed ice and then my chosen poison which was usually wine. I was committing slow suicide and I knew it. Now, getting juiced means a completely different thing to me.

The idea of getting juiced was brought to me by a very talented young woman who I am developing at work as a Mindfulness Instructor. She is amazing and her demeanor is one of such utter calm. I feel like a whirling dervish around her in contrast. She and I are working on our next series of instruction for clinicians on self-care. She just came back from a workshop and in conjunction with the work I am doing on Trauma Informed Care, we are putting a class together to teach compassionate care for caregivers (clinicians).

We talked about other programs I have in my head for the near future including alternative therapies in homecare. I have been promoting them since I started and was poo pooed. Last week, one of the PT managers said they are reconsidering a program I participated in as being offered for pain management. Inside my head I was doing all kinds of happy dances. One goal I have always had is to get our programs out of 1980 medicine. Maybe now with some of the old school leadership leaving and with the foreseen housecleaning coming, we can progress.

As we are talking, my young instructor was getting more excited with all the possibilities. She said to me, “this is what juices me.” I laughed as I often think buzz words, especially in the Woo Woo world, are so funny. She went on to explain that she wants to keep working with hospice patients but the idea of bringing classes in on Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction and now her work in self-care “juices her to the max.” We already include MBSR in orientation and I guess at the workshop she went to that was quite impressive.

Later at night as I sat in my garden chair, I pondered what juices me? I have been in such a negative place lately that I thought not much. But what juices me was actually demonstrated right in the conversation the young lady and I were having. It was apparent later with the PT manager.

What juices me is getting the best out of people. I love development. I can see potential in people that others may not see. I love innovation. I love creative thinking. I realized that I struggle so much where I work because they are so stuck with doing things the way they always have. It has now come to haunt them and it will be their demise. I get juiced talking about new ways of doing things. I get juiced working with creative people who have so much to offer but need the push or a hand up. I understand now that this is a threat to the survival of the people who have put up roadblocks or who are actually miserable to me. I think they are frightened. They should be. I do not feel bad for them because there are more than enough educational roadways to get up to snuff. But in their arrogance, they did nothing to stay current and now the Mothership is sailing without them.

I also realized that I get juiced up working in my garden. Later I will post pictures. Planting flowers and vegetables really brings me great pleasure. I love the various lights and statues I have collected over the years. I get juiced when I get to take pictures of the flowers, birds and animals that come to visit. For me, creating a sanctuary, even though a lot of people will never see it, juices me.

Getting juiced is great for the soul. Some people call it putting oil into your lamp. But it is the sustenance of life. What juices you?

Trauma Informed Organziations

crystal light

I am currently working on a certification from the University of Buffalo on Trauma Informed Organizations.  I have been studying trauma related materials for a while. It has been fascinating and helpful  healing for me.

What is a Trauma Informed organization? It is an organization that has taught trauma informed care from the person who answers the phone to the CEO. It is the basis for policy and procedures. Trauma informed agencies and organizations are totally aware that every contact with a patient makes a difference in their reaction to the care being offered and also in their ability to get well.

For example, a person with mild PTSD is coming to see a doctor for stomach upset. The admission person snarls at them because they are lacking some information on their admission form. She tosses the clip board at the patient and says snottily, “you need to fill out all of the information!” She is line with several people behind her. (Having people behind you is a big trigger for trauma patients.) The client/patient did not fill out all the information on purpose because she is not ready to share her details yet. She will once she sees the clinician but not with everyone else. It is her right. Her stomach issues are actually a response to the stress from domestic violence, but she is not going to share that easily. A trauma informed organization treats everyone like they have a trauma. The clinician who she eventually works with should request a trauma screen once the patient is comfortable with the plan of care. By doing a root cause analysis, then, and only then, will the real healing begin.

Trust is huge along with safety for someone who is traumatized. Just walking into a new environment is bad enough, let alone in a waiting room with strangers, standing in line  and having to answering questions to someone who does not give a rats-ass about why your there.

Another perfect example of a non-informed practice is the process of getting vitals. This is me: I am sitting way too long in the waiting room. Other patients are called before me. I start to worry why I am not getting called back. Did they forget me? (Blood pressure begins to rise) Finally someone swings the door open, and even though I have been coming to this practice for years, and they all know me, they bark my name from across the room. I get my stuff and in a cadence for jogging, we go back to where all the rooms are. They stop and bark “get on the scale.” I am immediately humiliated. Blood pressure is really rising. Then we trundle off to the little room where she asks questions about meds. She pulls a cuff from the drawer and puts it on over my sweater. The pressure is high.  She sharply asks me why I am there. Of course by this point I am upset.

This is how I dealt with this. I sit near the door so they do not have to yell across the room. I refuse the scale….which used to be a fight. But it is your right and the trauma issues getting weighed causes me…well, they know now not to ask. I tell the doctor because I weigh myself every day. In winter, the clothes you have on can add many pounds.  I make them use the right sized cuff and on my skin. It bothers me that they don’t wipe it down afterwards. Surprisingly since I started doing this my blood pressure readings have been wonderful. When they ask why I am there to see the doctor, I simply and nicely say, “I will tell the doctor” or I say “follow-up.” They have no reason to know. If I need a shot, the doctor has to order it and he will tell them.

Being a trauma informed organization can only improve healthcare across the board. Non-adherence and non-compliance are huge issues. Patients need to want to take their medicine and follow their plan of care to improve their health. Our medical system in the USA is totally reactive. We spend millions on after-the-crisis care. Being trauma informed and using methods such as trauma screenings and motivational interviewing can only improve patient care.

Being trauma informed is for all health organizations. The scenario I described about myself is my GP at a family practice. Even though I work in homecare, being trauma informed can be practiced there as well. It can be used in every environment where there is a community. When we see people who seem out of it, or stand-offish or short tempered, it would be mindful to remember: You do not know the whole story.

 

 

 

To schmooze or not

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Today was a really weird day. I felt like I was at odds with people. Ever have a day like that? I of course, was doing nothing wrong…. But it seems that every turn was an argument or discussion. It was beautiful and the temperature hit 84. I thought maybe people were angry because they were inside. I had a couple of meetings that it seemed if I said black, someone had to argue white.

Finally I got home and worked in the yard and had dinner later. As the day ended and a storm was blowing in, I sat under my tree in my garden and just thought about things. The air was beginning to swirl and I have many wind chimes that were ringing their tunes.

As the warm tempest began to build with the sky turning pink and dark I had a time to think about the day.

And like a slap to the forehead, I realized it was me. All me.

I wanted people to just instantly agree with whatever wonderful idea and concept I was pitching in the meetings. I usually have great luck with swaying people to my thoughts. Yes, I can schmooze with the best of them. I come from a family that was very good at this talent. My father made his living as a salesman of many things. My brother sells high end corporate properties. I make my living to some degree developing people, which is a form of selling people on themselves.

My issue is I want to control things. It is not so much about winning, but that is it to some degree. It is about people buying into my world, my rules and my way of thinking.

How freaking arrogant is that?

The truth is it is not about control and it is not about arrogance. It is about safety. And if people fall in line with what I need, I am safe. Arguing is not being safe. Different people’s methods of doing things creates exposure and is unsafe.

Funny how I can see this in other people, but it took a long time for me to see it in me. But recovery starts with identifying the issues and facing them.

Time to work on some releasing.