I have been pretty quiet here on my blog. There is has been a lot going on and I have not wanted to write because it is pretty depressing. But that is the purpose of this blog; for me to be able to express myself in good times and in bad. So here I am.
It is the end of summer already. Fall has never been a good time for me for some reason. My feeling is that I sense the death of so much in the fall. My garden goes to sleep and many of the beautiful plants will die. The trees will shed all their leaves and the canopy that covers the garden will be gone. It feels so exposed. Many of the birds will leave and the garden will go silent. In my area, we hibernate in the winter as it gets nasty and frigid.
My biggest issue is work. It is very hard for me to deal with betrayal of any kind. I know that is because of the PTSD I have and that in my life, I have had some very significant betrayals. The problem is that you cannot walk around with a sign hanging on you saying, “Victim, handle with care”. I know that I don’t need a sign because predators can find you easily without one. They sniff you out like a walking candy bar.
I completed my course to become a Certified Trauma Professional. I was already certified as a Trauma Specialist. I am not sure what if anything I will do with it. It did a lot of good for me to have more understanding of what and the why’s of the physical and emotional side of why I am the way I am. That was a good thing. I will never be considered at my current employment an expert on anything. We went to a workshop as a group and the speaker did a piece on the ACE study and information on Trauma Informed Care. When she asked questions of the audience, I spoke up with the answers. She thought I was an addiction counselor and started focusing on me during her speech. Not one co-worker at the table asked afterwards why I knew so much.
At work, the fear is palpable. The agency is bleeding money and it is not improving. As the year comes to a close and it is budget season, there is a great amount of worry there will be layoffs and terminations. The clinical visiting staff is leaving in droves. The retention is the worse I have seen in the six years I have been there. My Clinical Educator is leaving after 27 years. I am going to be lost without her, but I absolutely get it. All the senior nurses have left. When I started, the median time of employment was 15 years. There were many people with 20 or more years, but they are all gone. Many have gone to other agencies. Does that not say something?
I could go on and list more but why? My complaining will not change anything.
I learned a long time ago that the wheel of our life keeps turning whether you like it or not. My wheel has turned and it is time to get off this particular spin. Trouble is I am not sure where or what to do next. I have been applying for different jobs all over. I would like to work at home. Truth: I would like to work part time and with a schedule that is mine. But it is a big leap and I know I am afraid. I have been poor and struggled to make ends meet. I do not want to do that again.
I want to live for myself and my family. I want to not be so stressed all the time. I come home and I am in pain from being in knots all day. I know that the stress is making my situation worse. I do not want to give all to an agency that just as soon dump me out. I understand that it is a job and they owe me nothing but the paycheck. But what a terrible way to go through life. This is what work has become. There is no loyalty on either side. The new generations coming in think they should be CEO’s right off. They do not want to work for old people because they already know everything. And if something brighter and shinier comes along, they are gone.
So as I lay in bed this morning, I realized that I need to figure out what is churning in my soul. I sense betrayal again. I know I am very sensitive. I am done trying to fit into everyone else’s mold of whom and what I should be. It is about time I live for myself. Being a martyr is a waste of time. There is no reward for allowing people to treat you bad and disrespectfully. I honestly feel my confidence has been drained out of me completely by this job. I know my happiness has. There is no sense in keeping on this path.