A journal of healing

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Time to go

I have been pretty quiet here on my blog. There is has been a lot going on and I have not wanted to write because it is pretty depressing. But that is the purpose of this blog; for me to be able to express myself in good times and in bad. So here I am.

It is the end of summer already. Fall has never been a good time for me for some reason. My feeling is that I sense the death of so much in the fall. My garden goes to sleep and many of the beautiful plants will die. The trees will shed all their leaves and the canopy that covers the garden will be gone. It feels so exposed. Many of the birds will leave and the garden will go silent. In my area, we hibernate in the winter as it gets nasty and frigid.

My biggest issue is work. It is very hard for me to deal with betrayal of any kind. I know that is because of the PTSD I have and that in my life, I have had some very significant betrayals. The problem is that you cannot walk around with a sign hanging on you saying, “Victim, handle with care”. I know that I don’t need a sign because predators can find you easily without one. They sniff you out like a walking candy bar.

I completed my course to become a Certified Trauma Professional. I was already certified as a Trauma Specialist. I am not sure what if anything I will do with it. It did a lot of good for me to have more understanding of what and the why’s of the physical and emotional side of why I am the way I am. That was a good thing. I will never be considered at my current employment an expert on anything. We went to a workshop as a group and the speaker did a piece on the ACE study and information on Trauma Informed Care. When she asked questions of the audience, I spoke up with the answers. She thought I was an addiction counselor and started focusing on me during her speech. Not one co-worker at the table asked afterwards why I knew so much.

At work, the fear is palpable. The agency is bleeding money and it is not improving. As the year comes to a close and it is budget season, there is a great amount of worry there will be layoffs and terminations. The clinical visiting staff is leaving in droves. The retention is the worse I have seen in the six years I have been there. My Clinical Educator is leaving after 27 years. I am going to be lost without her, but I absolutely get it. All the senior nurses have left. When I started, the median time of employment was 15 years. There were many people with 20 or more years, but they are all gone. Many have gone to other agencies. Does that not say something?

I could go on and list more but why? My complaining will not change anything.

I learned a long time ago that the wheel of our life keeps turning whether you like it or not. My wheel has turned and it is time to get off this particular spin. Trouble is I am not sure where or what to do next. I have been applying for different jobs all over. I would like to work at home. Truth: I would like to work part time and with a schedule that is mine. But it is a big leap and I know I am afraid. I have been poor and struggled to make ends meet. I do not want to do that again.

 I want to live for myself and my family. I want to not be so stressed all the time. I come home and I am in pain from being in knots all day. I know that the stress is making my situation worse. I do not want to give all to an agency that just as soon dump me out. I understand that it is a job and they owe me nothing but the paycheck. But what a terrible way to go through life. This is what work has become. There is no loyalty on either side. The new generations coming in think they should be CEO’s right off. They do not want to work for old people because they already know everything. And if something brighter and shinier comes along, they are gone.

So as I lay in bed this morning, I realized that I need to figure out what is churning in my soul. I sense betrayal again. I know I am very sensitive. I am done trying to fit into everyone else’s mold of whom and what I should be. It is about time I live for myself. Being a martyr is a waste of time. There is no reward for allowing people to treat you bad and disrespectfully. I honestly feel my confidence has been drained out of me completely by this job. I know my happiness has. There is no sense in keeping on this path.

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Sending good energy

 Although we had a ton of flooding of our own this spring, it does not compare to the devastation happening in Texas. I hope this will rally the people to help out and unite our country a bit instead of the hatred and arguing that has been prevalent.

There is a change coming. I am not sure if it is just for me or it is broader. For the last 18 years, I experience this vibration within me when something is going to happen. I think people can sense it because it literally shakes me to the core. But no one actually can sense it I have discovered. I feel like I am shivering but I am not cold.

For the past three weeks, I have been doing this shiver, especially in the morning. It has gotten stronger.

My explanation is that when my world is in transition, the energy around me is  shifting from what is current to a new vibration. Translation: something new is on my horizon but not here yet. During the transition, I sense the vibrational shift. The energy changes causes me to feel the vibration of the unbalanced energy load, much like a washing machine that is unbalanced.

There is nothing I can do to turn it off as I believe the energy  is external. I practice breathing, meditation and other calming techniques. This vibration is not anxiety, although sometimes it is paired with it.

But it does make me out of sorts until it passes. It also make me wonder what is coming. It the past, what has shown up has been losing a job, going through my divorce, selling my house and ending a terrible relationship. All difficult transitions but all came out to a better life situation for me.

The truth is that I do want a change in certain parts of my life. I realized many things while we were on vacation. I am hoping I am attracting a positive new situation for me.

 

Rx to Swallow Balloons is Killing Fat People

My doctor was telling me about this and then I did some research. First of all, this has a very limited weight restriction and not intended for the “very obese or morbidly obese.” And now, surprise, it is killing people. I love her statement:Doctors care about making fat people healthy and not making us disappear.

Dances With Fat

not making us disappearA few months ago I wrote a blog post called “They Want Fat People to Swallow Balloons Now.” In the post, I talked about a fairly new “weight loss” method in which doctors place balloons into people’s stomachs and then fill them with saline. I pointed out that, according to their own literature, in addition to dangerous and miserable side effects, there are at least a couple of ways that it can kill you:

• Death due to complications related to gastric or esophageal perforation is possible.

• Death due to complications related to intestinal obstruction is possible.

While it didn’t really take a psychic to figure out what was going to happen, I still hoped that I was wrong on this one. Heartbreakingly, I was not.

The FDA reports that five people died within a month of having the procedure, and three of the victims died within…

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Proximity

This is an insightful post from one of my favorite bloggers.

Behind the White Coat

Pizza shop in New York City

“I need to do a six month physician supervised weight loss program before I can get the gastric sleeve covered by my insurance.” She wasn’t even that heavy to start off with, her BMI was 32. She wasn’t diabetic and did not have high blood pressure.

“You are going to be married to a fistful of vitamin supplements for the rest of your life.”

“I don’t care. I am tired of being fat, of having people judge me.” I understood. People can be so cruel. “My friends have all had it done and they look great,” she said hopefully. “But I can’t loose too much weight right now or I won’t qualify anymore…”

We both knew she had no intention of really trying.

Sure enough she demonstrated a nice weight gain at each visit and steadfastly refused to count her calories or exercise or do anything except to say, “I’m…

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Who rescued who

  It is no secret that I love animals. These two came to us after they picked us. When visiting the home where they were being fostered, Cookie crawled into my lap and Browny nestled in on my side. We were sealed forever as a family.   After my Heart Dog (one who owns your heart) Bishop passed away, I did not think I would ever feel the same. And I did not when we got the pair. It is different, but it still is love.

 Miss Cookie selected me to be her favorite, although she loves her Dadder. Browny bonded more with him. Browny comes to the Mommer especially when he needs hugs and reassurance, which is often. Mommer also gives him energy massages which he loves.

At first, they would not sleep in our bed. It took a lot for her especially to trust us. They had clearly been abuse as they cringed when someone raised their hand  or held a stick up. There was no tossing sticks for them and it took a long time for them to run after balls, being fearful of the toss. They ran when I had the broom out. It took time and love.

Their personalities are very different. He is hyper and demands a lot of attention. But he is a sweetie.  She now likes to be in my lap as much as possible and has a quirky funny disposition. She is a love.

 She loves to roll in the snow, but hates the rain. She likes to be with someone, especially me.  We spend hours together in the garden. She comes for me promptly at 9:00pm to go to bed.   She is silly and possessive and devoted. We cannot figure out why anyone would hurt these two. Browny has suffered two seizures, booth mild. Other than that they are healthy, active and our loves.

   We do not know their true history and never will. We do know Cookie is slightly older than Browny, maybe. We have had them four years. We figure she maybe around nine if she was really five when we got them. They both have slowed down unless there are squirrels in their yard.

  This morning I woke up to Cookie throwing up on my foot. She has been itching a lot. She has seasonal allergies which have reared every year about this time. There is little we can do except give her low dosage Benadryl and lots of love. She hates the itching and so do I. This morning, she seemed to be very off and I pray there is nothing more wrong. I do not know if I can stand to lose her in such short amount of time and I certainly do not want her to suffer. It was then I realized how much I adore these two. And so, who rescued who?

By the time I finished writing this blog, after I fed them, Miss Cookie seems to be feeling much better.

Jumping Through Hoops for Knee Surgery

This is horrendous. How the heck are you supposed to exercise and lose weight if you can’t move you knee? This discrimination has to stop.

Dances With Fat

knee surgeryOne of the most read and shared blog posts I’ve ever written is about fat people and our knees.  Today we’re going to look a a specific situation. An incredibly common question that I get is from someone who needs knee surgery but whose orthopedist has refused to perform the surgery unless and until the person loses weight.  This happens with other surgeries as well, but the one I hear about the most is knee surgery.

Sometimes the doctor suggests weight loss through diet and exercise.  I would point out that even if diet and exercise might lead to short term weight loss (and even if they could manage exercise on a knee that required replacement!) the most likely outcome, based on the research, is that they would end up heavier than they started within a few years, which begs the question: If you think that my size is…

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Retirement is a carrot on a string

I know I am not the first one to turn 63 as I did two weeks ago. It should not be a big deal. But somehow, and I am not sure if it is the age or just the energy around these days, but it does seem harder and harder to get through the day. And it is not just me.

There is a HR manager who actually hired me. To look at her, you would think she was maybe early 60’s. She is small in stature and her still brown hair has never been dyed. She had eight children and 19 grandchildren. She has also been a ball of energy since I have known her.

But when I came back from vacation, she sat down at my desk with a heavy sigh. “You were missed,” she said. Heck, I was only gone three days. But we had a training class going through that was from hell. I thought there had been more issues, and there were. But that was not what she wanted to chat about.

She said, “I think it is time for me to retire.” I almost fell out of my chair. In truth, I did not expect it. She has been with the agency for over thirty-five years. We had just celebrated her birthday which marked 78 years. She has earned by all rights her retirement. But she works part time and has always said the job kept her going. I figured she would stay at least two more years.

She said she just did not have the patience to deal with stupidity any more. It was something I totally grasped and embraced. She was tired of seeing the repetitive efforts of our agency dealing with the same issues over and over with no better outcome. She said in general, she was tired of everything being a fight or lengthy discussion. She was also tired of the outcomes or consequences having no impact. She was tired of staff getting away with what they have been getting away with lately, like piss-poor documentation with no repercussions. I got exactly what she was saying. Management has an “everyone is a winner” attitude and coddles the clinical staff. But it is costing us dearly.

Earlier in the month, my dear friend and I had a similar conversation. She is one person who always looks to the good in people and is the very non-judgmental. But as we sat out in the garden chatting, she revealed her frustration with just getting through it all. She said she just does not have the patience for dealing with, (and I paraphrase), people.

I am right there with them both. I struggle with my impatience with the attitudes of people who seem to have no comprehension of way of things. Maybe it is that the way has changed and no one told me. I have no patience for those who are coming up who think they know everything and have no problem saying so. I listen to them at meetings coming up with things that have already been tried and failed. But they feel they are amazing and Einstein. They are rude and talk over people.  I really am turned off to their arrogance which they seem to drip with. I too struggle with the agency doing the same thing over and over hoping for a different outcome. And I am just tired.

They did a big injustice moving the retirement age up. I pity the next groups as I see them continuing to move the age of retirement up. It won’t matter as there won’t be any social security money anyways. There are a going to be a lot of folks in the next generations who will have a horrible time in their old age. They do not have clue about saving. Heck, they are still living at home until they are thirty.

What do I want truthfully? I would like to have an on-line flexible teaching job. I would like to have good health benefits that will continue with the treatment I am on. I already know that I will go to the recreation center which has wonderful programs for people with arthritis but the classes are for seniors and are in the morning. I know I am going to join the senior chorus that currently meets at 2pm. I have other plans for things but…. No can do now.

I need medical coverage. When I retire and go on Medicare, the drugs I am on that keep me going will not be covered. And Medicare is certainly not free. It costs my husband almost $300. 00 a month for it and his supplemental insurance. They take it right out of his social security monthly payment. NO choice. And the once a year, he hits the donut hole. The donut hole is now up to $4900.00 that you have to pay out of your own pocket annually. This is a whole other blog. But this is another reason why senior citizens are nasty and angry. We worked all our loves to get screwed by Medicare. My step-daughter who works on average 20 hours a week is on government insurance and she gets great coverage and it is FREE. That train ride will end soon.

Turning 63 and being close to retirement is like being on a diet in a bakery. Everything looks so wonderful and yet, you can’t have any. Am I turning into a curmudgeon? Absolutely.  But I am not alone. That gives me solace but it does not resolve my getting through it for at least the next two years. Some days I feel like I am being held hostage and have no choice about the direction of my life. I have to work and I have to work with the people I work with. And that gives me an attitude and I know it.