A journal of healing

Archive for the ‘Spiritual’ Category

Mother Nature’s Wrath

   This has been a strange week. Living near the Big Lakes, our weather is always changing. This week brought warm enough to sit outside temperatures and blue skies to the storm of the decade. And it looks like we are going to get creamed again this upcoming week with snow. Twenty-six years ago to the month, we went through an ice storm of epic proportions. It decimated the area. This week, we had a wind storm. It too decimated the area.

Our property is fine. Even our resident doves were fine. We have a ton of sticks in the garden. I hate picking up sticks but it beats what happened to our neighbor.

She has many old pine trees on her property. Many face our backyard. I thought for sure one that is still leaning was coming across and would have taken down a transformer and power lines and gone across our back yard.

Instead, a large tree very close to her house cracked in half and landed on her roof. It left a huge six foot gash in her roof which is now tarped. She has had power, but the people behind her do not. It was 9 degrees this morning with wind. It has snowed all weekend and has been bitterly cold.

When something like this hits a community, we rally and that has been happening. Our clinicians saw more patients just to make sure they were ok. On Friday, I volunteer for Meals on Wheels. Our delivery route was littered with down trees and large branches. We checked on our folks and made sure if they were in their homes, they were ok. And if they did not answer, we called in to verify their family knew they were not answering the door. The amount of damage was terrible. Huge old pines toppled like they were pushed over by a giant. One area would have nothing, and then there would be mass destruction to another.

I am so sadden by all the trees that are damaged or toppled. It takes a tree so long to get big and powerful and in a flash, they are gone. It reminds me how tenuous life really is. Strong and powerful pines, rooted into the earth and stable…ripped from their existence by the breath of Mother Nature.

Pantheism is a form a spiritual practice where you see God in everything, and everything has spirit. I subscribe to that belief. It really bothers me when I see the ruin of nature even when it is not man-made destruction. Houses can be fixed and cars can be replaced, but it the trees are not so easily replaced. The tree that came down on my neighbor was at least forty feet tall. It is part of what is left of a forest that lined the farm that was the center of our neighborhood before all the houses were built. The maples in my yard are over 75 years old; according to the arborist I had come in and trim. I am grateful they are ok.

  Amaryllis blooming in my inside garden

Slowly the community is coming back on line. It will take many months to clean up the area. No one was killed or even injured, which is amazing. People do not know how to handle intersections when the traffic lights are out. The Equinox is next week, it is full moon today and we are back to that silly daylight savings time. Everyone will be off kilter for this week. We will brace for the next storm this week, and hopefully, that will be then end of winter.

 

 

 

 

Everyday hero

Cubid

There are few instances of people nowadays that are in my life that I would say are heroes or at least the bravest people I know. But I have been blessed to have someone in my life right now who I would call a hero. She works with me and at first; we did not hit it off. But as time has gone on, we have become work friends.

This woman does not see herself as anything but just getting along in life. Many years ago, when her three boys were little, her husband made a left turn into an intersection on his motorcycle. He died because someone did not see him. She rarely talks about it. I did not find out the whole story until recently when she was telling me it would have been her 40th wedding anniversary. She never remarried. She dated rarely and only after her boys were grown and on their own.

She is our recruiter for professional staff. I was not hired by her. She was out having surgery on her leg. A few years back she had been trying to open her garage door manually when the power was out and the rope gave way and sent her flying. She shattered her leg and hip. She was out having the pins redone as they had worked loose and were hurting her. When she came back, she was a bit cold to me. I did not realize that she feels possessive over her hires like a mother but I was not part of her flock. It took a while to break down the wall.

I found out that she also has ovarian cancer. I took great effort to make time every day to see how she was doing. As we got to know each other, she would inquire about my health. Turns out one of her sons has rheumatoid arthritis as did her husband. She was very concerned about the drugs I was on and the reactions I was having. She listened authentically to my concerns. She would always say, “Well, hang in there.”

I am not sure what or when, but we became pretty close. She would come to me when work was getting to her. Not much really got to her, but the pettiness of work really did. She does not like everyone in the HR department and shares her feelings about the inequities she sees. She has been doing her job for many years and is very good at what she does.

But then she would tell me of her journey with her cancer. She bravely faced infusions of chemo last year every four and then two weeks. It was killing her. She never wavered though and other than sharing with me and two other girls who were cancer survivors, she kept it to herself. Her doctor wanted her out of work but she persevered and kept working. There were days when she would walk all the way downstairs, back and forth with candidates who she was interviewing. She told me her bones hurt her so bad from the chemo that the first thing she did when she got home was take an oxycodone. She lives alone with her dog Jethro who she cherishes.

Every day she could make it in, she was as pleasant and helpful to new people as she always is. To look at her, you would never know the severe pain and misery she was going through. She would always ask how I was and I stopped complaining about anything. What I face is nothing in comparison to her journey.

About a month ago, they stopped the chemo. Her doctor told her it is going to kill her faster than the cancer. They also discover new cancer cells in her chest. The doctor feels he can surgically remove what they see. From then, they will start a new program with her of less aggressive chemo. She goes under the knife next week. We took her out for lunch this Friday as a treat and to bolster her. I think it was more for us.

There are very few people I know who are as brave as she is. She always is concerned for others. She asks little of her family and of us. But we all are there for her. So if you read this, I am asking that you take a moment and send my friend some healing energy. And then be grateful for your wellbeing.

On the horizon

moon-super-1

Thanksgiving has passed and now we are on to the “Holiday Season.” Ever since I was a kid I was bedazzled by the light displays. I think the spirit of Christmas is different from when I was growing up. There was religion still involved. I do not remember being bombarded with all the shopping stuff. Santa was important, but it still revolved around the celebration of Christ and traditional values. We learned about charity and giving in other ways than just presents.

The holidays now are  not about traditional values and the religious components. It makes me sad, even though I have severed my relationship with a formal church. I did that many years ago when I decided that the lies and propaganda that was being said at services was counter to my foundational principals of faith. There was too much political bias and discrimination being offered up as acceptable practice.

Let me be clear that I am not without faith. I have a strong spiritual belief which does not require me going to a church to practice.

No one can truly predict the future but from my view, I see Christmas becoming a completely different holiday and morphing to something that is not pleasant. I see it eventually disappearing. It will become so obnoxious that people will not celebrate it. The pressure to shop and get everything correct will become such a burden that it will be eliminated. I see it happening now where people do not want to bother because it is such a bother. My generation is getting too old to fuss and the next generations have not had the same exposure we did because parents are too tired and are working all the time. It’s now about the loot under the tree.

My youngest nephew sent me a text asking that I keep a look out for a specific gift for his daughter that she HAS to have. I was thrilled until I found it and saw the price tag. She is going to be seven. The toy is a stuffed fur ball that has a computer in it that makes it giggle and other things. It was $150.00. No way was I going to spend that much on one toy for a seven year old. I have seen pictures from their Christmas fall out of unwrapping gifts. That would be one of many toys for her. What was he thinking? What does this teach her? And in all honesty, they cannot afford spending money like that on toys that will be broken or not wanted in two months. But I know it all has to do with pressure and acceptance and nothing to do with Christmas.

Even my oldest brother does not want to exchange gifts anymore. There was a tradition that was attached which included spending the day and a luncheon together. But the last two years, the town they live in turns into a Dickens Christmas and is wall-to –wall people in every restaurant and store. They are in their 70’s and as my brother said, they do not need anything. It has always been a challenge to find something for them, but I spend the year doing it. It keeps them in my thoughts. I have not acquiesced to his desire to give up the practice yet, as I already had somethings purchased. I hope we will still get together but this has created some hard feelings.

What I see on the horizon about losing the tradition of Christmas is very sad but I am powerless to change it. Things will be different and a new set of traditions will be formed for the younger set. As my family gets older and we are separated by long distances, things will change. I can keep my traditions alive in my home and that’s about it. But as my strength and energy fails, I find even my normal over the top decorating of my house, my baking and candy making will not be over the top. But I know in my heart the spirit will be there.

 

Anticipation

Louie 1

It is in the air. I can smell it and I can see the change in the light. I can hear it in the morning in birdsong. Spring is coming soon. This is by far my favorite time of year. The anticipation of the warmer air, flowers and gardens and the freedom to be outside is part of the reason I love this time of year. I get weary by August of the hot air. Fall is gorgeous but the dread builds with the coming of the cold and snow. Winter to me is horrible. I like the first snows and I like the holidays, but the darkness and immobility because of the snow and ice makes me hate winter.

rhoda 1 2015

There is more for me going on that is making a difference. I finished the training at work and the big project I have been working on for me is pretty much done. I was training three two hour classes a day for the last two weeks and the exhaustion was palatable. For over five months, I lived and breathed this project which was filled with lies and deception. I do not work well with people who say they are going to do something and then don’t. The two leaders of this project were way in over their heads and their way of dealing was to give orders and then disappear. Fortunately for me, I had control of the education portion and it was completely successful. The next pill I will have to swallow will be when they take credit for the success in the project even though they had little to do with it. Actually, they almost tanked it. I learned a lesson in boundaries. Work is work and as I grow older, the significance of my identity being dependent on my work has lessened greatly. I think it is the first progression towards retirement. I am not going to have a problem of walking away from this job one day.

u of bunnie

I am also anticipated starting a new drug for my Psoriatic Arthritis. I have been without any medication for also the past five months. The pain has grown exponentially. I am now to the point that more than five hours of sleep is difficult because it hurts to lay there. No one can understand what this disease is like unless you have it. From the outside, I look fine except for patches of lizard skin and the dandruff from the psoriasis. I have noticed people do not have tolerance for fat people who struggle to move. I work very hard to not let this disease slow me down or imped my mobility. But there is nothing I can do right now. I am limping, my ankles give out and the pain in my back and neck comes on with very little walking right now. I can’t sit for long and so I have to get up and move, which also creates pain. Stress only exacerbates the situation tenfold. This will be the third drug in less than a year and I hope it works.

Azalea 2

Today is supposed to be almost 60 degrees out. We have a blanket of snow covering everything and I hope it melts. I know that underneath it I have snow drops trying to raise their little white heads. The garden shops open soon and walking through and smelling the dirt and moss is one of my favorite things to do. My spirit glows again with the anticipation of sitting in my garden surrounded by the beauty and serenity of nature.

lights 2015

Hurdles

mist

I think the hardest thing a human has to face is not diving into the drama of emotional turmoil. I believe that we are set on this earth to learn to overcome this. That enlightenment is learning to not cave or participate in the negativity that we are all born with and are force fed through our lives. The challenge is to believe in the higher force that is there to pull us out of the mire, however you achieve this relationship. We are given the tools, but like the treasure this knowledge is, we have to search for it.

Along the way in the journey of life, there are obstacles of huge and small proportions. How we deal with them is called Grace. The Higher-self is the Captain of the ship we call life and we are the sailor. The trouble is that we cannot always hear this voice, or we think the voice comes from without, and not within. It has to be a unique set of directions for each human is unique in design and creation. The internal navigation equipment in time can get obliterated with the noise and clutter we subject our over-stimulated lives with. The chatter in our heads is like the static of a radio fueled with the nonsense of television and other media. Ever notice how TV has transformed from simple comedies and joyful family life to intense drama and the emotional targeting of watching others suffer? People watch this stuff because it fuels the ego’s need for superiority. “I would never do that”, said in arrogance. “Look at that poor fat slob trying to lose weight,” uttered while shoveling potato chips in their mouth in the safety of their overstuff chair.

Many spend years trying to find their way using other people’s road maps, only to find the wrong destination for them. It is also easier to have someone else guide us; to have someone else create a chart for us. There are thousands of books out there to read on the “way to enlightenment”. There are multiple people willing to take your money to feed your junkie need to be told how to find peace in your life. We all want it, whether we admit it or not. We think we want to be safe, and that is part of it. The more difficult part is trust. I am not just talking about trusting others, because that’s a disastrous route. We need to trust in ourselves that whatever happens, it will be ok. And that is the tricky part.

In my situation and many others like me, grow up to learn that people cannot be trusted. What does that really mean? Trust in what; that they will do something for you? Protect you? Keep you safe? Somehow I must have been able to keep safe enough to survive and that is all that matters. The bottom line is trusting in others has to have some limitations. Drama occurs when you put your self-worth in someone else. Inevitably, they will disappoint you. The degree of infliction will vary, but your reaction to it is what will harm you for the rest of your life. Children expect and deserve protection and love. But I truly doubt that anyone gets through life unscathed in parental disillusionment. Friends disappoint and so do spouses and your own children. The only solution to this is the act of forgiveness and the realization that the infliction is harmless if you believe in yourself and are able to move beyond it.

We are programmed for daily doses of emotional targeting. Being human means being emotional. Media feeds into this by playing on your emotions in order to sell you things. Pay attention to the input that makes you feel emotional and decide whether that emotion is something you really want in your life. I truly feel that the news and other forms of media are helping to bring this world to its knees. We are bombarded with how imperfect we are, how horrible people treat each other and how we are poisoning the world. It is very difficult to more past this constant feed of negativity. Hence we become helpless, angry and emotionally crippled.

Do I have the answer? Yes and no. I have the where-for-all to find it for myself. And what I discover is meant only for me. How I achieve that is also my solitary path. I have been given the tools of discovery but I need to sift through the garbage floating in my head. I must be mindful that the destination is obscure and will never ultimately be reached. Life is discovery and that is the miracle. How we treat people along the way is our legacy. We all have the same opportunities yet each accomplishment of life is as individual as the person participating. For me, overcoming my own negativity, accepted people for who and what they are and learning to be non-judgmental are my biggest hurdles.

I originally wrote roadblock, but that implies the inability to get over something. A hurdle is something to get over. What are some of your hurdles?

 

I have a secret

rainbow 5-2015

Tonight I am struggling with keeping my mouth shut. I suffer big time with Chronic Flapping of the Jaw disease. But I am trying so hard to break a bad habit of offering unsought wisdom. I also have a secret to share. I suck most times when it comes to secrets unless they would be harmful for someone to hear. This is not that kind of secret.

I have been reading veraciously Stuart Wilde. I am through about five of his nine or so books. I am learning so much and really connecting with what he is saying. Much of his teachings are based on Taoism, but is also a blend of many other spiritual teachings. I like that his philosophies are a blend and morphed from commonality of many theories. This post is not going to be about what I am reading except one concept.

He proposes that you need to create a structured life of strict discipline to gain control over your life and to push it forward to transcendentalism.  Well, I am not sure if this is what I want as I am not really sure what it is. But also, why do we as humans feel we must always suffer and struggle first to get to a place of bliss and joy? Does that not defeat the purpose?  I have been thinking about this a lot and I am sure I will be writing more on this question.

He says, and I am not quoting, people who talk about their path of spirituality are actually hindering their growth potential.  If you talk about how spiritual you are or try to compare “levels” of being aware, it is like putting a quantitative measure on something that is not measurable in human terms. The only thing that happens is the ego is stroked. And since being spiritual is achieve by completely disengaging the ego; to speak of being spiritual would negate the actuality of someone being spiritual.

Hence, you have to learn to keep your mouth shut. This means that anyone who talks about how to achieve being enlightened is actually creating a false sense of themselves as being enlightened. So how do people learn to become aware? Well the answer is basic: just be. (Someone dear to me is smiling)

This means also to learn to walk away and let people learn on their own, EVEN if you have the answer to their issues. I struggle with this in many ways. I want to fix. But after reading, I see how I am not the one who always has to fix things. Yes I can do it. But it finally struck me that in reality it was about stroking my own ego. It was not always about helping the other person, even though I could convince myself this was so. But it is hard to sit back and shut up.

Tonight was a prime example. My Father-in-law is in the hospital again. It is a repeating situation he does when he is overwhelmed. Instead of seeking help as he should, he makes himself sick and then gets a night in the ED away from his wife of almost 70 years. She has Alzheimer’s. He will be fine by the way, but is spending the night in Observation with a diuretic and a catheter.  Did my in-laws want to listen to me….nope, so I only said something to my husband who was like wow, you were right. What did it serve but to only stroke my ego. My in-laws were wrapped up in the drama and my BIL had my FIL dead and buried with complete kidney failure. He does had stage 4 CKD…(they did not want to know that was Chronic Kidney Disease) someone said it was cancer…I kept my mouth shut. BTW, he will be 96 in October.

Now the hardest thing tonight for me to shut up about was when my BIL started telling me what a Home Care Aide can or cannot do in a private home. He was so off base and I started to argue. My FIL hired one and then fired her for not doing anything. I was not asked about it at all.  I started to argue and then I stopped cold. What was the point? It was not about the aide, it was about control all the way around. And clearly it did not matter at this point.

But it was hard to shut up. And this leads me to my secret. Clearly, none of them have ever shut up long enough or even thought to ask what I do.

My agency has gone through a huge reorganization. We have a new CEO and with that, half of the administrators have been let go. So we are in a big restructuring. We took over a small Home Care Agency two years ago which made us go from one county to seven. We have four divisions which means two licenses and two hospices and multiple therapies and innovative services. We are growing so fast it has been difficult. When I started four years ago I was just a manager with two direct reports and only one area of training. With the new restructure, they are eliminating and regrouping things.  All training programs including the Home Health Aide training, which has always been a separate division, will be grouped under one department.

Tomorrow, there will be an announcement that I am being named Director of Education and Organizational Development. ALL education, all programs, all divisions, and seven direct reports will be my responsibility. I will also have a lot to do with the restructuring and reorganizational process.  And yes, it is all about me and my ego……. Hahaha.

 

 

 

The Clearing of the Fog

fog and heron

There have been times in my life where there have been heavy difficulties. I have always managed to overcome them but going through the situation, the end seems unattainable. I believe we receive the support and information we need if we open ourselves to all possibilities.

My morning started with my eyes flying open after a terrible dream. It had to do with my job and the lack of safety again in my world.

We just had consultants come in and do a complete evaluation of our agency, new and old, and went thoroughly through the organization. The result was a 175 page report which dictates a complete restructure including the closing of some operations and layoffs. That is all our inept leadership is leaking and it is causing a lot of worry and morale is the worse it has ever been. On top of all this, and because of the foretold future, two vice presidents are leaving; one director who headed up the innovative services (very telling) and they were much revered in their positions. These three people have over 75 years of experience with this agency and are running from the building.

The litany of errors of what is happening is too long to put into words. I am not sure what will happen in the long run. For myself, I do not seem to be in actual harm’s way. Instead, I am being assigned new personnel and growing my responsibilities in oversight of more operations. But the paranoia permeates the building. Those who should be leaving are clinging to a branch hanging over a cliff and are very difficult to work with because of their fear. Those that are leaving are checked out and the support of the daily operations is suffering. It is impacting our clinical human resources at a time when the Medical Center is putting heavier demands on them. I fear we will lose more great people.

Enter in the philosophy of Stuart Wilde. I am reading his books like crazy. Again, ask and the teacher will be delivered. He talks about many theories but I am embracing his concept of “see it, be it and it will be.” Many others have talked about this but his simplistic process seems to resonate with me. He says, plant the thought of what you want. Begin to believe you have what it is you want. Live within the concept like it has already manifested but within your current means. And then forget about it. Do not perseverate. Let it happen.

I am using this in many areas of my life. But for work I believe that things will be fine in the long run. Truthfully, if works goes down the tubes, I will be fine. That is one good thing about being old enough to retire. But I am not ready. I want to see this through. I held a staff meeting on Friday and let my folks vent. I heard them and did not dismiss their worries as that is out of my realm. Instead I offered up that this turmoil was the beginning of a metamorphosis that was inevitable. The agency had been operating in the same way since the 80’s and needed a major shakeup. We get to rebuild the organization and be part of the new agency. I really believe this and I know there are others who also embrace this. It just is going to be a rough patch as things get sorted out.

The place I am struggling is all due to my ego. I see the silliness and ineptitude and I am rendered helpless in making any changes. I have to let that go as it is clearly not my role. My huge ego is pushing me and the conflict is making me physically  worn out. I struggle not to fix things that I know I could. Again, this is the lesson; to let go.

I chose this particular picture today because it is how I feel. It is also my new favorite picture. I took this at the River at 6 am the day we were leaving. I watched as the fog rolled in and bathed everything in its mist. At times it got so thick, you could not see in front of you. And then it just lifted, gone without issue. What was left was pristine and clear.

 

3rd quote

c and trees

“Highly sensitive people are too often perceived as weaklings or damaged goods. To feel intensely is not a symptom of weakness, it is the trademark of the truly alive and compassionate. It is not the empath who is broken, it is society that has become dysfunctional and emotionally disabled. There is no shame in expressing your authentic feelings. Those who are at times described as being a ‘hot mess’ or having ‘too many issues’ are the very fabric of what keeps the dream alive for a more caring, humane world. Never be ashamed to let your tears shine a light in this world.”

 

― Anthon St. Maarten

2nd Quote

 

magoo 2015  In following the challenge, I add this quote. It also reflects my concern about having a mission here on Earth.

“We did not come here to be common. We did not travel this great distance to give up, give in, and lie down. We came here to wake up and be joyful; to stand up and be powerful; to open up our hearts, our minds and our eyes as we expand our knowledge and our perception. You are extraordinary and you are powerful beyond belief!”

~Heather K. O’Hara

Birthday wishes for me

roses

On turning 61

I am not sure how and when, but tomorrow I turn 61. My last birthday at 60 was terrible. I am more used to the number but still overwhelmed with the swift passing of time. As the years accumulate, the time seems to expedite like traveling down a slope, picking up speed as I tumble and slide. There are no brakes.  I can see how the feeling of hopelessness can accompany someone as they age but that is not how I am feeling. Ok, well not all the time.

My dearest friend and I spent Friday night sitting in the garden and talking about our lives. We asked each other what we would do if we could do anything in our golden years of retirement. Her dream is to get into an RV and drive the country taken pictures and blogging about them. What a wonderful idea. My brain immediately went to all the reasons why I would not be able to do that. Fear is the biggest road block to happiness.

I have no clue what I would do. I could only see myself as I am now, working where I am and in my current home. That is not the real desire, but I could not put myself to the future and relinquish the controlled life I have now.  It spoke volumes about the level of stress I am in right now.

I am a believer of the power of vision. We all have the ability to close our eyes and “see” things, but you have to be ready and you have to really concentrate. The concept of the third eye and dream visions and so forth are real and has been around forever. I am not gifted like some with the power of vision, but I have an amazing empathic sense of the current situation. This is not to say I haven’t ever had visions or knowledge of something without tangible proof.

I find the lack of a plan for the future unsettling. I like to have a direction or path with a destination of some sort even if it is only a stopping point to the next place. Some say it is the journey not the destination that counts. Not having a plan is making me feel a bit lost and hitting this marker of my birthday had caused this concern to resurface.

I know every day is a blessing for me at this point. I watched my parents and many friends and family depart this plane of existence too early. I have always said I want to leave this world a better place because of my influence. I thought it would be through my own children, and that was not to be. I thought teaching was my contribution, but my level of influence in that area is negligible.

There is something  deep within me that says there is something I am supposed to do that will make a bigger difference in the world. I really only became aware of this in the past few years. It is like a simmering pot that has been turned up. We all have a calling, but many people do not hear it. For me, it burns within and shouts in my head. But it is unclear as to what it is supposed to be. It is very frustrating and being so adds to the noise and muddles the resolution. Meanwhile, time keeps ticking away.

I spent a lot of time studying many spiritual things. I read about neuroscience and the workings of the brain. I have done energy work and spent a small fortune on taking classes in Healing Touch and Reiki and Mindfulness. I have read volumes from the nonsense of Doreen Virtue, the science of many doctors like Peter Levin, and Robert Scaer to the prophecies of Eckhart Tolle, Brene Brown, Eric Pepin and Don Ruiz. I have over sixty or so spiritual books in my Kindle alone. My newest author is Stuart Wilde and I am devouring his books like candy.  I have studied Christian, Buddhist, Zen and Pagan methodologies and teachings. I lean more to a Pantheist viewpoint with rituals and the Craft.   I have taken classes in trauma treatment and may work on another certification in the fall.  It all is leading somewhere.

On this eve of this birthday, I am sending birthday wishes for a few things. I need a guide. I have known this for a while and have been asking every night for a guide. I had a dream about a friend of mine at work who is the Spiritual Chaplin for hospice. The next day, he stopped by at my desk. Was that the opportunity and I blew it? We talked about Weight Watchers as he was part of the group who was taking it at work. Not all is lost, but I am not sure about his connection. But that’s the point.

Am I supposed to take this next certification? It will cost me but the result will be a certification as a Trauma Specialist. I can work as a consultant for providers and schools. Do I  make this investment of time and money at this point? Not sure… So I wish for clarity of my path.

And my other wish is the health and strength to be physically able to do whatever is next. Some say if it is to be, I will be strong enough. I was lucky that there were other drugs to take when the Enbrel stopped working. The Simponi I am on is finally working. My 25 year old step daughter cannot keep up with me when we go shopping or work around the house. Granted, she is in terrible shape for a 25 year old. But I seem to have regrouped some of my energy and strength. I am so much better than I was a year ago at this time. Although I have stopped being extreme on my diet, I am still holding off the weight I lost. This month is not one for diets. We start celebrating the first week of June, and it goes right on until Father’s day when we celebrate that. You can never have enough birthday cake. We also are heading for The River for a while and I am going to enjoy myself. (I have a whole post brewing about being on a diet and how people can be so invasive of your life.)

I am hoping my time at The River will help me focus and find my footing again.  I am off to sit in my garden, give thanks for all I have received in my life, and acknowledge my gratitude to the Goddess for all she has given me and the world.  I am so blessed in so many ways. And I will again ask for guidance and direction.

So mote it be.