I have not posted anything in a long while as times have been a bit grey around here. But a lot has happened in the past three months, not all good. Having PTSD and being a highly sensitive person, I am affected in a manner that most people cannot comprehend. They click their tongues and come up with platitudes. They do not understand that words have little effect on me. By the time I become upset, it is way too late for words. And try as I might to self-sooth, there comes a breaking point where my body reacts, even if my “brain” says I am cool.
Winter is my least favorite time of year. This winter has dragged on. Here it is April 8th and it is snowing out right now. We have had it every day for the last week. The sky is a dull grey that looms over the area day in and day out. The cold is damp and seeps in everywhere to permeate my bones. I have been wearing four layers of clothes for the last three months. I feel like Randy in The Christmas Story as I whine “I can’t put my arms down.”
I retired from my job the first week in January. People think I am lucky because I do not have to work. Truth told: I left because of my health. I am a pretty sick. The stress was no longer worth it. Leaving has helped as my blood pressure has gone back to a normal range. The first month was a bit disorienting. I felt I had no purpose. I obsessively set out to clean out my house. I emptied out closets, boxes and drawers of clothes no longer worn. I sent off a boxful to a friend who is similar in size. I made multiple trips to the donation center.
Then in February, my husband got into a car accident and wrecked my brand new 2018 SUV. We bought it in August. He was fine and it was not a big accident. He was not paying attention and rear-ended someone. I was stranded now at home. Before I had his car to use as he took the new truck to work. It took over 6 weeks to get the truck back. I was pissed at him big time, but I tried not to get in his face. As the days wore on, it got harder and harder not to be resentful. I had to go to the dealership and fight for several misdeeds and we finally got the truck back. I had my freedom again. I do not know how people cannot drive. I understand now how the elderly feel when they have to surrender their driver licenses.
I got in my head that I needed to get a job. I obsessed over this nightly from 2 am to 4 am. We had some work done on the house and spent money I had not planned on spending. Word of advice for those who are planning on retiring: you will worry about money. There is a sense of loss knowing that you are not generating an income. I have worked since I was 11. We had been planning on me leaving for over six months. But the reality of it does not hit until you are no longer getting that weekly paycheck. I felt useless.
I spent hours combing over Indeed. I have applied for over 70 jobs. I did get hired for a very small job that pays me a ridiculous small amount. I am not sure how long it will last. It did give me a sense of doing something and being connected. I was perseverating and creating a problem that was not necessary. I do that a lot. I do not like to feel unsafe and not having an income will do that. However, I left on my terms and with planning. This is a lot better than being fired unexpectantly which is something “old” people experience a lot. My ex-company was clearing out people over fifty like they were the plague. Most of the senior clinicians and administration are all gone now with five more retiring after I left. I started something.
I am hopeful things will turn around soon. I did leave because my health has been deteriorating steadily. I am not going to go into it in this post. I am going to a specialist next Wednesday to see what can be done. It took three months to get in to her. That was also frustrating. I am ready for a battle because I will not tolerate fat shamming by anyone. It is time my doctors pay attention as to what is going on. None of it is due to being fat. Much of it has to do with being on the wrong medications.
I am also hopeful that the snow will stop and my favorite time of year will commence. I love Spring and early summer. I will be outside every moment I can. I will work on the garden, which right now is covered in snow with huge branches and sticks that blew down from the last wind storm we had. It is a mess out there.
I also shifted my point of view of worrying about work. I have the time now to do some of the things I never had the time or energy to do. I got my ceramics out to paint. I am going to look into taking some music lessons or join a choir. I want to take some classes and my husband and I went up to the rec center to look at what they had available. I am going to learn to play golf which is loves so we can do that together. And I have read a ton of books. Sitting curled up in my chair with two dogs in my lap and my Kindle has been one of the best things. I used to feel guilty doing it because there was always some work to do.
As they have for the last three years, the doves showed up and refurbished their nest. This is the ultimate sign of spring for me, even if the weather is not cooperating. I feel so bad for them as it has been bitter cold and we have intense winds several times. I know she has at least one chick now because of the way she is sitting. I can sit out there with them and they walk around me or fly up to the nest with no worries. Even the dogs do not bother them. The yard is filled with bunnies and chipmunks and very fat squirrels. Some would say they are vermin. I love them and feed them daily with bird seed. And at sunset, when I sit out all bundle up like a mummy, they entertain me better than TV. We all want spring.
I feel like I have climbed over a mountain. I have more mountains a head, some of them could be life challenging. I wish I was like my husband who goes with the flow. I am just the opposite. Part of it is because of the PTSD and not feeling safe and in control. I have worked all my life to get to retirement. It is what we all do. I don’t want to waste this time worrying over things I cannot change. But those things I can change, watch out!
( Note: I just took a break to let the dogs out and noticed the doves are gone this morning. Something happened because they would not leave with a chick in the nest and they have not been off it for two weeks. GONE… you have no idea how upset this makes me.)