A journal of healing

Archive for the ‘Pagan’ Category

Birthday wishes for me

roses

On turning 61

I am not sure how and when, but tomorrow I turn 61. My last birthday at 60 was terrible. I am more used to the number but still overwhelmed with the swift passing of time. As the years accumulate, the time seems to expedite like traveling down a slope, picking up speed as I tumble and slide. There are no brakes.  I can see how the feeling of hopelessness can accompany someone as they age but that is not how I am feeling. Ok, well not all the time.

My dearest friend and I spent Friday night sitting in the garden and talking about our lives. We asked each other what we would do if we could do anything in our golden years of retirement. Her dream is to get into an RV and drive the country taken pictures and blogging about them. What a wonderful idea. My brain immediately went to all the reasons why I would not be able to do that. Fear is the biggest road block to happiness.

I have no clue what I would do. I could only see myself as I am now, working where I am and in my current home. That is not the real desire, but I could not put myself to the future and relinquish the controlled life I have now.  It spoke volumes about the level of stress I am in right now.

I am a believer of the power of vision. We all have the ability to close our eyes and “see” things, but you have to be ready and you have to really concentrate. The concept of the third eye and dream visions and so forth are real and has been around forever. I am not gifted like some with the power of vision, but I have an amazing empathic sense of the current situation. This is not to say I haven’t ever had visions or knowledge of something without tangible proof.

I find the lack of a plan for the future unsettling. I like to have a direction or path with a destination of some sort even if it is only a stopping point to the next place. Some say it is the journey not the destination that counts. Not having a plan is making me feel a bit lost and hitting this marker of my birthday had caused this concern to resurface.

I know every day is a blessing for me at this point. I watched my parents and many friends and family depart this plane of existence too early. I have always said I want to leave this world a better place because of my influence. I thought it would be through my own children, and that was not to be. I thought teaching was my contribution, but my level of influence in that area is negligible.

There is something  deep within me that says there is something I am supposed to do that will make a bigger difference in the world. I really only became aware of this in the past few years. It is like a simmering pot that has been turned up. We all have a calling, but many people do not hear it. For me, it burns within and shouts in my head. But it is unclear as to what it is supposed to be. It is very frustrating and being so adds to the noise and muddles the resolution. Meanwhile, time keeps ticking away.

I spent a lot of time studying many spiritual things. I read about neuroscience and the workings of the brain. I have done energy work and spent a small fortune on taking classes in Healing Touch and Reiki and Mindfulness. I have read volumes from the nonsense of Doreen Virtue, the science of many doctors like Peter Levin, and Robert Scaer to the prophecies of Eckhart Tolle, Brene Brown, Eric Pepin and Don Ruiz. I have over sixty or so spiritual books in my Kindle alone. My newest author is Stuart Wilde and I am devouring his books like candy.  I have studied Christian, Buddhist, Zen and Pagan methodologies and teachings. I lean more to a Pantheist viewpoint with rituals and the Craft.   I have taken classes in trauma treatment and may work on another certification in the fall.  It all is leading somewhere.

On this eve of this birthday, I am sending birthday wishes for a few things. I need a guide. I have known this for a while and have been asking every night for a guide. I had a dream about a friend of mine at work who is the Spiritual Chaplin for hospice. The next day, he stopped by at my desk. Was that the opportunity and I blew it? We talked about Weight Watchers as he was part of the group who was taking it at work. Not all is lost, but I am not sure about his connection. But that’s the point.

Am I supposed to take this next certification? It will cost me but the result will be a certification as a Trauma Specialist. I can work as a consultant for providers and schools. Do I  make this investment of time and money at this point? Not sure… So I wish for clarity of my path.

And my other wish is the health and strength to be physically able to do whatever is next. Some say if it is to be, I will be strong enough. I was lucky that there were other drugs to take when the Enbrel stopped working. The Simponi I am on is finally working. My 25 year old step daughter cannot keep up with me when we go shopping or work around the house. Granted, she is in terrible shape for a 25 year old. But I seem to have regrouped some of my energy and strength. I am so much better than I was a year ago at this time. Although I have stopped being extreme on my diet, I am still holding off the weight I lost. This month is not one for diets. We start celebrating the first week of June, and it goes right on until Father’s day when we celebrate that. You can never have enough birthday cake. We also are heading for The River for a while and I am going to enjoy myself. (I have a whole post brewing about being on a diet and how people can be so invasive of your life.)

I am hoping my time at The River will help me focus and find my footing again.  I am off to sit in my garden, give thanks for all I have received in my life, and acknowledge my gratitude to the Goddess for all she has given me and the world.  I am so blessed in so many ways. And I will again ask for guidance and direction.

So mote it be.

 

 

Merry Yule

little tree

Today is the Winter Solstice and we celebrate it with Yule. In my part of the world, it is very dark as the light does not arrive until way after seven am and it is dark by 4PM. Yule is often misrepresented as a counter to Christmas. It is the other way around.    Update info…. according to the below website: The solstice is traditionally celebrated at the sunrise closest to the time when the sun is stationary before beginning its transit to the north or south. This year this occurs late on 21 December, hence the winter solstice celebrations take place at sunrise on 22 December.      http://www.megalithic.co.uk/article.php?sid=2146414227

 

By the early-to-mid 4th century, the Western Christian Church had placed Christmas on December 2. The actual words of the Second Council of Tours were: “There are feasts on each day between the Nativity of the Lord and Epiphany, except the three-day period on which our Fathers established for the beginning of January private Litanies in order to tread down the custom of the pagans. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Christmas

Yule is a celebration of hope and prayers and blessings. It is also a solar event marked by celebrations that have continued for eons such as in the circle of Stonehenge. If I could, I would love to witness the light beam of the sun striking precisely at the same location for centuries marking the swing of the earth on its axis. In the northern hemisphere, it is the growing of the light and the beginning or the rebirth of the earth.

This time of year affects me deeply. I got married eight years ago on the 22nd. It was not a romantic reason, but a survival one. I had been facing the possibility of being diagnosed with ovarian cancer. I did not want to get sick and die and leave my partner stranding with no home or provisions. We were both dirt poor, in school, working crappy jobs and his daughter was living with us in my house. I wanted to make sure he would have the house. I also did not want to be unmarried, plain and simple. So we got married in a very simple ceremony at the Town Hall. I did end up with a tumor but it was not malignant. The marriage has survived although it has been difficult at times. But that is part of being married.

This “season” has been turned into something I feel is very ugly. I hate the greed and the focus on commercialism and money. I cannot control it, and I do feed into the system by shopping for presents. I used to make a lot of my gifts but I do not have time anymore because I work. I used to make a ton of cookies and candy, but I have cut that way down because everyone including me does not need the extra calories. Nothing says loving like spending hours making homemade truffles and peanut butter balls to have people turn their noses up at them and look at you like the enemy.

My biggest indulgence is in the decorating of my house and environment. I bring in greens but I have to be careful with things like Mistletoe and Holly and Poinsettias because they are all poisonous to little dogs and cats. I do put up a crèche on the mantle but that is in honor of my mother. The house is covered with lights. I have them in the windows, on my plants, on my tree, and out in the garden. The sparkle and glow fills me with joy and wonder. We love to drive around the village and look at the decorations and lights. They string white lights in the trees going down Main Street and all the little shop windows are filled with more lights. Our little town looks like it could be in “It’s a Wonderful Life”. There are rumors that it was where the movie was based on; our town and/or Seneca Falls, which is very close.

On the days I work, it is very possible for me not to see daylight at all. I counter this by making sure I have an abundance of electric lights with real incandescent bulbs on in my work space. I even have a string of lights with tinsel and bulbs handing off of it. You can see my office reflecting on the low ceiling when you enter the area on the second floor. People are always amazed when they walk into my office as it is a completely different feeling then the rest of the building. But I also have sprayed it with sage and have other “things” that change the atmosphere in there. It is my oasis of safety.

I still sit out in my chair in the cold, covered in blankets and coats. I am not out there long. But the sky at this time of year is spectacular. It is so crisp and the stars sparkle brightly. Tonight I will light candles and wish for a bright future and good health for myself, my family and friends. I will give thanks to all the wondrous things that have happened this year. I will remember my ancestors, especially my mother. This time of year was particularly special for her. She was the one who instilled my love of nature and gardens. I think if it had been another time, she would have been more into herbs and medicinal plants.

I honor the Christmas traditions for my husband and his family. So in the next weeks there will be a lot of get-togethers and feasting. Actually, that is the Pagan tradition. Their celebrations lasted for twelve days, reminiscent of the song. His daughter is back from California after nine years. Although she will not be staying with us, it will be good for father and daughter to reunite. She is staying with her mother’s family. I have to work so I will not go with him for their visit which I think is actually best. We have already visited with my family yesterday, which is always short, but sweet. We will spend Christmas with his massive family.

My favorite time is when my husband and I curl up in our chairs with blankets and little doggies in our laps, and watch old movies from our collection of classics under the glow of the tree and lights and candles. “All is calm, all is bright.” Blessed Yule everyone.