A journal of healing

Archive for the ‘medical field’ Category

Trapped

Last week, it was a beautiful Sunday and I sat out and enjoyed the sunshine and animals in my garden. I took a lot of pictures and it was my intent to post them this morning. I am not up to it. This morning is grey and humid with pending storms all day. It matches my feelings perfect. I have never been a person who stays depressed for long, but lately, I cannot get out my funk. And the cause is my job. Last week was bad news after bad news. It is so hard to be positive when you are trapped in an environment of … I am not sure if I have the word, but YUCK will do.

To start with, the building I worked in is filthy, suffocating and inadequate. We out grew it five years ago. It was a retail building with high ceilings. They added the second floor, and then added ventilation, which has not worked well since they put it in. It was 90 in some areas last week. Everyone has fans running. Because my office is not an office, but alcove that was sequestered off with cabinets, there is no air. NONE. I currently have four fans running in my office and I call it the wind tunnel. There are three small desk type fans and one floor fan. Within an hour of being in my office, I have a headache from the constant dust being blown in my face coupled with the mold that is everywhere.

The added air conditioner is located on the roof over one of the training rooms and it broke. It was leaking so bad that is was coming through the ceiling in the hallway upstairs. It has been like this all summer. The humidity coupled with the water dripping makes it like we work in a plastic bag. The training room was so hot, brand new orientees were getting sick in orientation last week. You have to yell in the room because we have a large fan in there and the broken air conditioning unit was cycling off and on every two minutes. We all have had hopes that this was not going to be forever because they, the Med Center and our Admin, where looking for a new building. They had a site and even drew up plans. I got to design the training facility. Well, that fell through and we were all told on Monday. It was going to cost too much and there was no money. The agency has already lost 1.2 million dollars for the first quarter.

Last week, I had a terrible thing happen to me. This building was not set up for the number of folks who work there. It was at one time a car showroom. Ten toilets total in the whole building. All but two are on opposite side of the building. Two of them are right by my “office.” EVERYONE now wants to use these two. When I first started, we only had five men in the building. Now there are many more and they have to use these two. And they think they are their private reading rooms. I had a situation where all of a sudden, I knew I was in need. I raced down to the private ones and they were both filled. So I had to “run” to the other side of the building. I cannot walk somedays let alone run. Well, I did not make it. I messed really bad all over the bathroom and myself. My medication makes me have a huge issue with explosive poop. I won’t share all the details but someone did come in and saw the mess, which I cleaned up. Even now I am so embarrassed and traumatized by this. Now I panic every time I have to go to the bathroom. You cannot believe how stressful this is.

Monday was the start of a fantastic new staff member on my team. She rounds out a position that was not replaced when I promoted the nurse in the Lead Preceptor position to Nurse Educator. The new Preceptor is wonderful and I have been fighting to get her in my department for eight months. Clinical wanted her under their rule. My boss finally won the battle but there is more to this. She was doing great for her first week. Then on Thursday night, I get a text from her that she has been in a car accident and was going to the hospital. I texted with her through the evening. She will be fine, but she was pretty banged up and sore the next two days. I am hoping she will not have on going problems since she hit her head and they said she has a concussion. She tried to work on Friday but was still dazed and dizzy.

On Tuesday, my boss was pissed because of an issue with a committee I co-lead. I felt betrayed because someone I felt close to had gone to her and complained about a situation and fueled this big mess. It was so not necessary. But I got the brunt of it and I was hurt this person did this.

We have this pompous ass who is our VP of Clinical. He thinks he is running the agency. He wants control of everything, especially education. I liked him when he first started under three years ago. But then he systematically got rid of people who have been with the agency a long time. One director who reported to him directly was termed after 31 years. He pushed for another director to be removed who had 42 years. She did something stupid and that was his ticket to remove her. He has ostracized me from whatever he can. I have been telling my boss about stuff he has done to the Education team since he began. Well, something came up and I do not know what, but there was this big initiative to make an allegiance between clinical, quality and education.

She told me that she finally saw how I have been treated and ostracized. I have only been complaining about it for the last three years. And since nothing ever was done about it, I pulled back and focused on my new responsibility of the Aide training program. Meanwhile, I was being left out from many committees and projects. There is way more to this but the result was this pact was drawn up by the administrators of the departments and had the attention of the CEO. Why now, I ask myself. Because I think the VP of clinical was trying to get rid of me. He wants in the worse way to put education under his darling quality director, who he just promoted last year. This is a whole other WTF situation. But something happened that I do not know what it was but my empathetic feelings are that he had a rope for me.

Well, nothing has changed except I did get my preceptor. So Thursday, my boss drafted this email that I had to send out that was sort of humiliating. It stated that Education needed to partner with people and that the directors that the email went to were to include Education in their projects. I had her change from using Jane to using Education as the team so it was not so personally humiliating. It makes me feel like the red-headed step child that the kids are being told to play nice with me. They don’t and they won’t. I am not a clinician and hence I KNOW NOTHING.

But I always had my Nurse Educator to rely on. The fact that most people differ to her used to bother me. It is so blatant because these people are the rudest, nastiest people ever. But she does know her stuff. We work fabulously together. I actually have the dream team now. Or should I say had. She resigned on Friday. Twenty-five years with the agency and she will be gone in October. She and her husband are moving out of the area to begin their dream careers as co-pastors of a small church. They both just completed their Masters in Divinity and I knew this was the plan…eventually.

To say I am screwed is not really the scope of the situation. The agency is screwed. She is the most knowledgeable person left in the agency. The VP of Clinical has pushed all the “old broads” out and so now, there is no one left with the history and clinical knowledge that she has. She started as an aid and was in the field for years. She had only been teaching for about a year when I started and only one class. We worked together to build the caliber of our training to the status that it has. She teaches now all the big clinical classes. She sits on a few committees. But two years ago, she headed up a major project about our EMR and medications. The VP of Clinical treated her (and me) like we were leapers. He demanded we do this, but then abdicated from the project and left us swinging… which totally frustrated my Educator to the point she was going to quit then. Then she heard through the grapevine that he told someone she was resistant to change and hard to work with. He had a rope for her too.  I knew it would expedite her finding a new job. Her loyalty to the agency was gone.

The depth of the impact of this is wiping me out. I do have a solution but it will impact everything I did on the aide program this past year. But not having the right educator in this role will impact the agency more. I am afraid they are not going to allow me to make this decision and that this may open up a new mess with the friggin VP demanding he rule education and he puts who he wants in there.

I am so done with all this. I love the work that I do. I hate the drama. I really do not like working in the Health field anymore. It is more than I can deal with. The stupidity of eliminating the old, seasoned people has truly bit them in the ass. There is only one seasoned nurse left. Last year, the VP told me he was gunning for her. She has 40 years there and he has pushed her so much, she is retiring at the end of the summer. But this past year, she has been out more than in because she has so much PTO. They have brought up these young people with no mentors to guide them and they are destroying the agency.

And…. Since the Med Center owns us, they have been putting more of their employees in place. The writing is on the wall that they will eventually absorb all the support departments. That won’t happen before I am out of there, however. But they are not going to invest in us or those departments. They are not going to bail us out of our building, even though they, the Med Center, are building everywhere in the area. Being stuck in that building is causing me physical issues.  If we keep losing so much money, I am not sure what the Med Center will do. They need us, but they could take over and run it much more efficiently.

It is time for me to go. It has been time for a long while. This was just a few of the things going on and this was just last week. There are a lot more issues, way more. My physical situation is not going to get better but I do not need to hasten my decline with the stress this is causing me. I know I want to keep working. I want to have a remote job that will include good health insurance. I have started the hunt. But the lack of insurance and losing the income right now has me trapped.

 

 

 

 

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Trauma informed

little girl

I have spent a great deal in the past months seeing a variety of doctors for various reasons. At every visit, every time, the patient care-tech brings me back to the visiting room to wait for the doctor. It is their responsibility to weigh, check blood pressure and ask a few questions. One of those questions is the medical community’s answer to being trauma informed. It misses by a huge mark.

Being trauma informed simply means being sensitive to a patient’s history or the possibility of the patient being in a dangerous living situation. We are talking domestic violence, and all forms of abuse: mental, physical and sexual at any age. Being a trauma informed  means everyone on your team from the receptionist to the doctor is sensitive to how they treat a patient. Some may say this is over the top but the concept is very important to the true wellness of all patients.

For example, the patient who keeps coming back with bruises or injuries from falls. Very suspicious if the patient is only forty. Maybe not so for someone who is eighty. But in the case of the eighty year old, she or he may have a care giver who has been frustrated in having to provide care and pushes them to make them move faster, or hits them when they spill things. And the patient is not going to do anything about it because the next step is being forced into a nursing home. They are living in an abusive home and are trapped. They certainly are not going to be forth coming about it.

Patients who have experienced domestic violence of any form will react differently to the way someone approaches their safety bubble. What I mean by this is that everyone has a comfort zone for how close people can get and how comfortable they are being touched. Some people are huggers and touchers and love to get close to anyone, including a stranger. People who have been abused have much larger safety zones and very often do not want to be touched. This not wanting to be touched can range from the patient being able to tolerate it by disassociation or the patient who has a panic attack at the mere thought of having to be touched, which often leads them to not go to the doctor when they really need to.

It an attempt to becoming trauma informed, our local medical center has all providers asking about the safety of their patients? It is a useless attempt to meet a standard. First of all, it is not the doctor who asks this question. It is the care-tech, the gum chewing little twenty-something who is trying to beat a record of some kind by seeing how fast she can get patients in the rooms ready for the doctor. They change regularly and even so, I doubt highly any patient who is in a domestic violence situation is going to open up to that individual as if they are going to be able to do anything. AND… it is none of their business. The lack of sensitivity to the situation of an actual abuse situation is very typical. Unless there has been some form of specific training done with people who are asking that question, simply asking the question almost makes it worse. What are they going to do if a patient says, “no I am not safe. My husband routinely comes home drunk and beats the shit out of me and then rapes me.” The response to that can make or break the patient. The care-tech’s only course of action would be to type ABUSED into the chart. That works!

I would love to know how asking this question, “do you feel safe in your living environment” is the proper opening for a patient to disclose something so humiliating and degrading as being abused. And how many providers are even trained to handle the situation past the physical? Do they know who in the community is providing help for domestic violence? But the bottom line, most patients will not jeopardize themselves by spilling the beans about their crappy home life in a brief visit to a doctor, especially if there is not a relationship built over time with that doctor.

But being trauma informed goes beyond asking that inane question. It is things like how the patient is treated by everyone; from the rushed handling of the care-tech to the actual doctor. Patients who are victims of abuse will react from the way they are placed in a room and then left abruptly to wait for an extended period for the doctor. Letting the patients know if the doctor is running late, or checking in on the patient to see if they are ok would go much further to calm a nervous person. Having the doctor explain what and why they are going to do something BEFORE doing it will help also. Even the simple act of having them listen to the heart can be traumatic. Some doctors will do it over clothes, some doctors reach right in without warning for skin contact. Sometimes there may be a need to hold the patients head while examining their throat for example. This simple act can terrify someone who has had their head restrained in an abusive act such as forced oral sex. Lying down on an examining table makes anyone vulnerable, but for an abused patient, it is excruciating.

For some patients, the act of disrobing will send them back to a place of past abuse. These patients need a sense of safety which throwing them into a sterile, brightly lit room and demanding they disrobe behind a flimsy curtain does not provide. Then they have to sit in anticipation of being probed on a ridiculous scary examining table sitting in the middle of the room as if they were a piece of meat shivering in a paper gown. Would it be so absolutely terrible to provide a soft blanket to comfort and to also help with limiting the exposure while being examined? Something that simple is being trauma informed.

The patient is brought back to the exam room and sat down after being weighed. For some, being weighed is very traumatic. I know that doctors need the vitals but unless you are suspicious of your patients and do not trust them, can you not simply ask them what they weigh? Or make it part of the exam in private and not in a hallway where everyone is walking by. The scale calculates and the care-tech yells out the reading like everyone needs to know….and you still have your boots on. I skip it and refuse. Unless I am there for weight related issues, I know what I weigh and I will tell the doctor if they ask.

Health care workers are highly trained. But in the area of trauma informed, there is much to learn. This study goes hand in hand with a comprehension of the ACE study, which identified the link of abuse to chronic illnesses. I have asked all the doctors who I see if they are aware of the ACE study, and none of them are. I am going to leave a couple of articles for them to read. (see below) We need to work on this information being disseminated and so if you found this helpful, read and print these out and give them to your doctors.

Ace study: http://www.ajpmonline.org/article/S0749-3797%2898%2900017-8/fulltext

PDF of journal article: http://www.ajpmonline.org/article/S0749-3797(98)00017-8/pdf

https://acestoohigh.com/2017/01/05/dear-doctor-a-letter-from-a-survivor-of-sexual-trauma-to-all-medical-professionals/

https://acestoohigh.com/2016/08/10/childhood-trauma-leads-to-lifelong-chronic-illness-so-why-isnt-the-medical-community-helping-patients/

 

 

 

Risky business

ashwagandha

If you knew that doing one thing in the hopes of a better situation would automatically cause another difficult situation to occur, would you take the risk. If you take any form of medicine, you do that daily. There is not one chemical drug out there that does not have some risk when you take it. They even put this in writing now on the drug pamphlets that come with the prescribed drugs. “Your doctor has prescribed this medication because he or she has judged that the benefit to you is greater than the risk of side effects.” Are you willing to take those odds?

Sometimes there is no choice. You have to live with the side effects. I have gone through a series of drugs and have come up with some real doozie side effects. I took a drug and after four days it covered me with painful hives from head to toe. The answer from the doctor was stop taking the drug. But I was taking it to fight off an infection. I have gone through three major biologics and now a pill for my psoriatic arthritis in less than a year and half. I reacted to one with blood pressure readings that were stroke level. “Stop the drug.” The next one put my glucose over 350. “Stop the drug.” The newest one causes incredibly leg cramps. But I am sticking with it because it is helping my arthritis and my skin is clearing. But I only take half a dose.

In my research to find out more about the side effects of the Otezla I started reading about natural remedies. I have always preferred a holistic approach to my wellness. I have dabbled in alternative medicine now for years. I even worked with a homeopath, but got concerned with the lack of certification requirements for that approach. I have participated in energy therapy training. I have been interested in green medicine or herb tinctures for years.

I have been learning about Ayurveda medicine and find it fascinating. There is so much about it that it makes great sense to me. I like that the practice really delves into the body makeup and the whole person from the on-set. I have never had a doctor ask me if I like or tolerate spicy foods. But in Ayurveda, everything about you from the foods you eat, to how you relate to the world is important and part of the symptom management.

What started me looking was the horrendous leg cramps I was getting. I also noticed I had an eye twitch and was experiencing sleep issues. The solution was magnesium. I have been taking 400 mg at night and the leg cramps have all but gone. But I was also waking up in the middle of the night with anxiety attacks and only sleeping for four hours or so and not getting a good night’s sleep. I added melatonin for sleep but I was worried because you are not supposed to take melatonin for long periods of time. I also started to have really bad nightmares.

In my research I came across an herb that is supposed to be a wonder remedy. Everything I have read about this herb is amazing. But I do not go by the ad information; I go to patient user boards and medical evidence based journals. What I find amazing is that this herb and so many have been around for thousands of years. You want to talk about evidence based time studies. We do not have that amount of prescribed time on any man made drug. Right there is reason to get interested.

The herb I am trying is Ashwagandha (Withania somnifera). It proposed to do so much for so many areas of wellness, many symptoms I experience. It helps with sleep issues, boosts the immune system, can lower blood glucose and also blood pressure. I encourage you to look it up because there is a lot out there on this herb and I do not want to sound like an ad.

I am fascinated with the possibilities of getting off as many man made drugs and all their rotten side effects as I can. When the drug I took that raised my glucose A1C to 9.3, the remedy was to take another drug at night to bring it back down. The second drug costs $421.00 a month (without insurance). It can cause pancreatic cancer. Wahooo…. Just what I want. I truly cannot tell if it lowered the levels, or getting off the drug that caused the higher level is what is lowering the levels. I would have to go off it and see what happens. Another risk, but I think I have to try it. I cannot take certain cheaper meds like metformin because my kidney was compromised years ago when I was prescribed a pharmaceutical nightmare. This is a never ending circle that many folks get caught in as the body ages and they start taking more and more drugs to feel better.

My cholesterol was normally low most of my life, again surprising the doctors. It has steadily increased over the years to the point of being 238. My doctor wants me on a statin to bring it down. I tried it and had an immediate reaction and said no. I started taking fish oil religiously this winter. My last lab showed my reading at 188. I dropped 50 points in two months with taking the fish oil which costs nothing. My husband also got off his prescribed statin and took fish oil and lowered his back down significantly as well. Fish oil has no side effect and is a cheap OTC solution.

The issue with non-prescribed and non-regulated herbs is dosage and interactions. A prime example is teas. Chamomile is a very popular one for calming and sleep. It can significantly thin your blood if consumed in quantity. What is that amount, I do not know. Many herbs and minerals can become toxic to the body and do more harm than good if taken in large doses, and that matters by the individual. If the government steps in to regulate this area of health, the cost will skyrocket. The Ashwagandha could possibly aide me in getting off two drugs, cost together over $650.00 a month (uninsured). A bottle of 60 capsules cost me $16.50 and that was a high end product and an expensive store.

I will share with my GP doctor next week when I see him my viewpoint on delving into more natural remedies. He is going to be surprised with the lab results as my A1C dropped over two points also in two months. He is a young Indian doctor and we have talked about natural remedies. I am not sure if this is a conflict of interest for him, but I want him to be aware. He did not prescribe the arthritis medications and was upset with the reactions I was having.

I also want to be clear that your wellness is a team effort. Unless you are a doctor, self-prescribing can be dangerous. But I also feel very strongly about forced care plans. I am very warry of any practitioner who promises the world or threatens patients who they deem non-compliant. “If you do not take this medicine I will not see you.” But patient centered care is my vocation and a whole other topic.

 

 

 

Say Good- Knight….

hawk 15

My fellow blogger, the Doc Victo, talked about how she longs for a Scottish night. I admit, I too have often thought I wanted a strong and commanding male in my life. I wanted to be the Princess, the damsel in distress, to be saved by a powerful male knight. I want someone to protect me and keep me safe. But in thinking about this, I realize how totally opposite this is to my real personality.

Yes, I do want someone who makes me feel safe. But that really does not mean I want them to slay dragons for me. What I honestly want is for them not to cause me distress. I want to be able to rely on them to do what they should, when they should and be able to give back to me when and what I need for support in my life. It should be a two way street. When they are in need, I should be there for them.

This is not how it is in my reality. I live with a very needed person, who at times sucks the life out of me. I have been doing some thinking on this and came to the conclusion, I chose this path. I am the type of person who puts themselves in a place of being needed.

For example, I was not happy with my career until I began teaching. I taught in some capacity since 1981. Having my own classroom as a high school teacher was a dream. But it was exhausting. Being a teacher, you are totally in a position of giving to people what they need in some fashion. It is a constant flood of answering questions, directed and guiding and then the comforting and soothing to make students feel good. I can remember coming home and telling my husband to leave me alone for a bit so I could get out of feeling depleted and stabilize.

It sounded so terrible when I though how selfish this was, but it is not. People who are in positions such as teachers, doctors, nurses, all care-giving clinicians are all susceptible to this feeling. But being who they are, they feel guilty for it. To be in these positions, you must have a nurturing persona to begin with. It is who you are.

But there is a time when you have to step back and say I need some self-compassion. I need someone to take the load for a while. People with successful marriages have worked this out. There is a lot of research and new programs being implemented to help clinicians to learn to step back and take care of themselves. I have a program we offer in our orientation series based on the work of Dr. Kristen Neff to give our staff tools to work with when they are having burn out or are overwhelmed. http://self-compassion.org/

I thought about the idea of having someone who was my knight, my protectorate and shield, and I know I would not really like that. I am too independent and too strong to let someone over shadow me. I also do not like forceful men because of my past history with that type of being. I chose to put myself where I am. When I am disappointed with my current relationship, it is because I am measuring this person to my expectations. He too has learned to be passive and submissive and let me do for him, because I will. And the game goes on.

I also have put myself in a position at work which is completely exhausting. My day is filled with putting out fires. There is always someone in need or an issue I must deal with. Sometimes there is a line out my door of people with a questions of some sort. I come home drained and have again instituted the leave me alone for five minutes rule. I spent yesterday not doing any work related activities and stayed away from the computer. It did recharge me. I will need a longer respite soon.

I think if I lived in the days of yore, when knights in kilts were everywhere, I would still be who I am. I would be the woman in the village who had the docile husband, own either my own shop or farm, and would still be independent, be in a position of fixing either people or issues and yet, overwhelmed. It is who I am.

The Clearing of the Fog

fog and heron

There have been times in my life where there have been heavy difficulties. I have always managed to overcome them but going through the situation, the end seems unattainable. I believe we receive the support and information we need if we open ourselves to all possibilities.

My morning started with my eyes flying open after a terrible dream. It had to do with my job and the lack of safety again in my world.

We just had consultants come in and do a complete evaluation of our agency, new and old, and went thoroughly through the organization. The result was a 175 page report which dictates a complete restructure including the closing of some operations and layoffs. That is all our inept leadership is leaking and it is causing a lot of worry and morale is the worse it has ever been. On top of all this, and because of the foretold future, two vice presidents are leaving; one director who headed up the innovative services (very telling) and they were much revered in their positions. These three people have over 75 years of experience with this agency and are running from the building.

The litany of errors of what is happening is too long to put into words. I am not sure what will happen in the long run. For myself, I do not seem to be in actual harm’s way. Instead, I am being assigned new personnel and growing my responsibilities in oversight of more operations. But the paranoia permeates the building. Those who should be leaving are clinging to a branch hanging over a cliff and are very difficult to work with because of their fear. Those that are leaving are checked out and the support of the daily operations is suffering. It is impacting our clinical human resources at a time when the Medical Center is putting heavier demands on them. I fear we will lose more great people.

Enter in the philosophy of Stuart Wilde. I am reading his books like crazy. Again, ask and the teacher will be delivered. He talks about many theories but I am embracing his concept of “see it, be it and it will be.” Many others have talked about this but his simplistic process seems to resonate with me. He says, plant the thought of what you want. Begin to believe you have what it is you want. Live within the concept like it has already manifested but within your current means. And then forget about it. Do not perseverate. Let it happen.

I am using this in many areas of my life. But for work I believe that things will be fine in the long run. Truthfully, if works goes down the tubes, I will be fine. That is one good thing about being old enough to retire. But I am not ready. I want to see this through. I held a staff meeting on Friday and let my folks vent. I heard them and did not dismiss their worries as that is out of my realm. Instead I offered up that this turmoil was the beginning of a metamorphosis that was inevitable. The agency had been operating in the same way since the 80’s and needed a major shakeup. We get to rebuild the organization and be part of the new agency. I really believe this and I know there are others who also embrace this. It just is going to be a rough patch as things get sorted out.

The place I am struggling is all due to my ego. I see the silliness and ineptitude and I am rendered helpless in making any changes. I have to let that go as it is clearly not my role. My huge ego is pushing me and the conflict is making me physically  worn out. I struggle not to fix things that I know I could. Again, this is the lesson; to let go.

I chose this particular picture today because it is how I feel. It is also my new favorite picture. I took this at the River at 6 am the day we were leaving. I watched as the fog rolled in and bathed everything in its mist. At times it got so thick, you could not see in front of you. And then it just lifted, gone without issue. What was left was pristine and clear.

 

Getting juiced

rhoda3

Over fifteen years ago, getting juiced meant sitting and drinking all night long. It was my method of numbing. I would consume a ton of crushed ice and then my chosen poison which was usually wine. I was committing slow suicide and I knew it. Now, getting juiced means a completely different thing to me.

The idea of getting juiced was brought to me by a very talented young woman who I am developing at work as a Mindfulness Instructor. She is amazing and her demeanor is one of such utter calm. I feel like a whirling dervish around her in contrast. She and I are working on our next series of instruction for clinicians on self-care. She just came back from a workshop and in conjunction with the work I am doing on Trauma Informed Care, we are putting a class together to teach compassionate care for caregivers (clinicians).

We talked about other programs I have in my head for the near future including alternative therapies in homecare. I have been promoting them since I started and was poo pooed. Last week, one of the PT managers said they are reconsidering a program I participated in as being offered for pain management. Inside my head I was doing all kinds of happy dances. One goal I have always had is to get our programs out of 1980 medicine. Maybe now with some of the old school leadership leaving and with the foreseen housecleaning coming, we can progress.

As we are talking, my young instructor was getting more excited with all the possibilities. She said to me, “this is what juices me.” I laughed as I often think buzz words, especially in the Woo Woo world, are so funny. She went on to explain that she wants to keep working with hospice patients but the idea of bringing classes in on Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction and now her work in self-care “juices her to the max.” We already include MBSR in orientation and I guess at the workshop she went to that was quite impressive.

Later at night as I sat in my garden chair, I pondered what juices me? I have been in such a negative place lately that I thought not much. But what juices me was actually demonstrated right in the conversation the young lady and I were having. It was apparent later with the PT manager.

What juices me is getting the best out of people. I love development. I can see potential in people that others may not see. I love innovation. I love creative thinking. I realized that I struggle so much where I work because they are so stuck with doing things the way they always have. It has now come to haunt them and it will be their demise. I get juiced talking about new ways of doing things. I get juiced working with creative people who have so much to offer but need the push or a hand up. I understand now that this is a threat to the survival of the people who have put up roadblocks or who are actually miserable to me. I think they are frightened. They should be. I do not feel bad for them because there are more than enough educational roadways to get up to snuff. But in their arrogance, they did nothing to stay current and now the Mothership is sailing without them.

I also realized that I get juiced up working in my garden. Later I will post pictures. Planting flowers and vegetables really brings me great pleasure. I love the various lights and statues I have collected over the years. I get juiced when I get to take pictures of the flowers, birds and animals that come to visit. For me, creating a sanctuary, even though a lot of people will never see it, juices me.

Getting juiced is great for the soul. Some people call it putting oil into your lamp. But it is the sustenance of life. What juices you?

FAZZI, FAZZI was a …

Goddess of the garden

Fazzi, Fazzi was a bear. Fazzi, Fazzi pulled out hair. Fazzi, Fazzi, wasn’t fuzzy was it? NOPE. The last three days we were visited by Fazzi Consultants who are the primo home care consultants…. They came as requested by the Mothership. They were going to do an “engagement”, but the reality was it was a witch hunt to cut back positions and duplications from the merger of the two agencies. They visited with everyone on the admin team and then a select few on day one. They visited with the management team at our newly acquired agency day two. Then came back on day three and visited with the next level at our agency. I am on that level.

So with a lot of fear being induced throughout the agencies, this was not a comfortable visit. The preliminary was general oversight and who did what. The new agency reported a stream of infractions of how they do not like us and that we are horrible to them. Then the second stringers chatted about their roles.

There was a lot of consternation about having an audience and who had the most time. I knew the truth was they were visiting the longest with people who are probably going to be assimilated or let go. One includes the educator of the other agency. She is nice to my face, but has made it very clear she is not going to report to me. Except….she is. That was the original plan. She had a 45 minute meeting with Fazzi. I am sure she sang her virtues as she is really well skilled, clinically. She is an NP, but from pediatrics. We do not do peds at all. As far as training, well, again…. It is the adage that if you are a nurse in any form you are also a consummate teacher. I beg to differ.

My appointment this morning was with the other two HR managers. Fazzi ran late, and one of the girls decided to talk about the virtues of Wegmans to Fazzi. Meanwhile the clock is ticking. She clearly had a ½ hour for all three of us and that was it. She started with the other two. One has been there almost 35 years and is looking to retire soon. The other is only there 2 years and does not HAVE to work. So finally she gets around to ask me what I do….and my tongue goes into slow motion. She had to leave very soon. My list is so long I knew I would never get it all out. I clearly (hopefully) express that I am in charge of ALL education at ALL locations at ALL levels. But then when I tried to explain, it got confusing. It did not help that I have the cold from hell and was feeling like absolute crap.

So now I perseverating that the report is going to come back to AXE the unintelligible Manager of Education and Organization Development. I am also very paranoid.

I am writing this because it helps me to package my feelings. This has triggered all sorts of physical issues with me. I am sure that is why I am sick. This swinging blade has been dangling over everyone’s head for the last month when it was announced. The gossip and innuendos are pervasive. To try to explain my perseveration to my fellow managers is futile. They do not know about my PTSD nor much of my personal history. And it will stay that way. They do not understand that I have a horrible complex about being inadequate, especially in a clinical setting. And I worry that the NP at the other agency talked a good game. Clinicians like fellow clinicians. Even though my credentialing is more appropriate for education…it does not matter in this clinical world.

I am going to go sulk, and sniffle out in the garden. I do not want to go to work tomorrow but I have so much happening. I could type something incredibly sarcastic, but the snot is pouring down my face and my head is pounding. I need to sleep….. I mean meditate.