A journal of healing

Archive for the ‘Goddess’ Category

2nd Quote


magoo 2015  In following the challenge, I add this quote. It also reflects my concern about having a mission here on Earth.

“We did not come here to be common. We did not travel this great distance to give up, give in, and lie down. We came here to wake up and be joyful; to stand up and be powerful; to open up our hearts, our minds and our eyes as we expand our knowledge and our perception. You are extraordinary and you are powerful beyond belief!”

~Heather K. O’Hara

Birthday wishes for me


On turning 61

I am not sure how and when, but tomorrow I turn 61. My last birthday at 60 was terrible. I am more used to the number but still overwhelmed with the swift passing of time. As the years accumulate, the time seems to expedite like traveling down a slope, picking up speed as I tumble and slide. There are no brakes.  I can see how the feeling of hopelessness can accompany someone as they age but that is not how I am feeling. Ok, well not all the time.

My dearest friend and I spent Friday night sitting in the garden and talking about our lives. We asked each other what we would do if we could do anything in our golden years of retirement. Her dream is to get into an RV and drive the country taken pictures and blogging about them. What a wonderful idea. My brain immediately went to all the reasons why I would not be able to do that. Fear is the biggest road block to happiness.

I have no clue what I would do. I could only see myself as I am now, working where I am and in my current home. That is not the real desire, but I could not put myself to the future and relinquish the controlled life I have now.  It spoke volumes about the level of stress I am in right now.

I am a believer of the power of vision. We all have the ability to close our eyes and “see” things, but you have to be ready and you have to really concentrate. The concept of the third eye and dream visions and so forth are real and has been around forever. I am not gifted like some with the power of vision, but I have an amazing empathic sense of the current situation. This is not to say I haven’t ever had visions or knowledge of something without tangible proof.

I find the lack of a plan for the future unsettling. I like to have a direction or path with a destination of some sort even if it is only a stopping point to the next place. Some say it is the journey not the destination that counts. Not having a plan is making me feel a bit lost and hitting this marker of my birthday had caused this concern to resurface.

I know every day is a blessing for me at this point. I watched my parents and many friends and family depart this plane of existence too early. I have always said I want to leave this world a better place because of my influence. I thought it would be through my own children, and that was not to be. I thought teaching was my contribution, but my level of influence in that area is negligible.

There is something  deep within me that says there is something I am supposed to do that will make a bigger difference in the world. I really only became aware of this in the past few years. It is like a simmering pot that has been turned up. We all have a calling, but many people do not hear it. For me, it burns within and shouts in my head. But it is unclear as to what it is supposed to be. It is very frustrating and being so adds to the noise and muddles the resolution. Meanwhile, time keeps ticking away.

I spent a lot of time studying many spiritual things. I read about neuroscience and the workings of the brain. I have done energy work and spent a small fortune on taking classes in Healing Touch and Reiki and Mindfulness. I have read volumes from the nonsense of Doreen Virtue, the science of many doctors like Peter Levin, and Robert Scaer to the prophecies of Eckhart Tolle, Brene Brown, Eric Pepin and Don Ruiz. I have over sixty or so spiritual books in my Kindle alone. My newest author is Stuart Wilde and I am devouring his books like candy.  I have studied Christian, Buddhist, Zen and Pagan methodologies and teachings. I lean more to a Pantheist viewpoint with rituals and the Craft.   I have taken classes in trauma treatment and may work on another certification in the fall.  It all is leading somewhere.

On this eve of this birthday, I am sending birthday wishes for a few things. I need a guide. I have known this for a while and have been asking every night for a guide. I had a dream about a friend of mine at work who is the Spiritual Chaplin for hospice. The next day, he stopped by at my desk. Was that the opportunity and I blew it? We talked about Weight Watchers as he was part of the group who was taking it at work. Not all is lost, but I am not sure about his connection. But that’s the point.

Am I supposed to take this next certification? It will cost me but the result will be a certification as a Trauma Specialist. I can work as a consultant for providers and schools. Do I  make this investment of time and money at this point? Not sure… So I wish for clarity of my path.

And my other wish is the health and strength to be physically able to do whatever is next. Some say if it is to be, I will be strong enough. I was lucky that there were other drugs to take when the Enbrel stopped working. The Simponi I am on is finally working. My 25 year old step daughter cannot keep up with me when we go shopping or work around the house. Granted, she is in terrible shape for a 25 year old. But I seem to have regrouped some of my energy and strength. I am so much better than I was a year ago at this time. Although I have stopped being extreme on my diet, I am still holding off the weight I lost. This month is not one for diets. We start celebrating the first week of June, and it goes right on until Father’s day when we celebrate that. You can never have enough birthday cake. We also are heading for The River for a while and I am going to enjoy myself. (I have a whole post brewing about being on a diet and how people can be so invasive of your life.)

I am hoping my time at The River will help me focus and find my footing again.  I am off to sit in my garden, give thanks for all I have received in my life, and acknowledge my gratitude to the Goddess for all she has given me and the world.  I am so blessed in so many ways. And I will again ask for guidance and direction.

So mote it be.



It was a doozie of a storm


It was a doozie of a snow storm last night. I slept thought most of it and I am glad. I did wake up at one point to hear the wind. From the comfort of a bed filled with the little snorts of doggies and the not so little snorts of my hubby, I knew I was safe and fell back asleep.

But I had one haunting thought that had been with me all day. What about all the little animals out there? The temperature this morning was – 5 degrees and it has warmed up to -1. The wind has calmed down but they were talking wind chills of -30. That to me is incredible. Who can live in that kind of climate? But I know the animals do and have and will.

My garden is my retreat. I have many animals that I know remain there with my blessings. I have had a toad that comes right up to me on the deck. We have chipmunks and squirrels of course that are huge. But we also have a resident bunny. She lives under the shed, or in the shed and under one of the decks. We see her all the time and the dogs give chase to her if we let them out without checking first. We have secured her safety by making sure there are escape spots under the fences which we maintain in a variety of places. She is also very fast.

I have been thinking about her all winter. I put out bird feeders which nary a bird has visited. It does bother me that I do not see my cardinal family which has been around for a long time. Matters of fact, Mrs. And Mr. Lou Cardinal (as in baseball connection) were so used to me that they would sit very close. One day Mrs. Lou flew into the house, flew around for a bit, left a poop and flew out. That was before we had Magoo the cat, who does not go outside ever.

yard in Feb

We often see the squirrels hanging off the feeders. I do not mind but I would like to see birds. If I whisper “Squirrel” Browny gets all excited and goes charging out the door if I let him. He has run right past the squirrel sometimes, other times he sees them and charges. If the squirrel keeps eating the bird food Browny may catch him. But I am not worried. Brownie cannot climb trees.

Back to my dilemma about Mrs. Bunny: We noticed the other night that she was coming up on the deck attached to the house to get dropped birdseed. So I put a feed lower to the ground in hopes this would work for her. And it does. But I am not sure this is a good food for her.

Last night, I opened the door and she was right there. The dogs crashed out after her and started to run. Then everyone just stopped for a moment. Mrs. Bunny turned to look at them and they just stood still. Then she took off and went under the deck out back. The dogs left her alone. It was too cold.

buuny food

So yesterday I did two things. I hiked out to the back deck which was hard navigating. The path was filled with bumps of frozen snow and powder.  I took a couple of carrots and tried to toss them under the deck where she has an entrance. I felt terrible because I knocked snow into the hole, but I think she can still get in and out. Then last night I left a bit of salad greens, some carrots and a sweet pepper out on the deck, out of the wind for her. For some reason, I worried about her all night and with great anticipation this morning, I checked to see if there were new bunny toe prints. There were.

bunny toes

This is a simplistic story about me and my “Crazy Cat Woman” mentality. Yes, I would have a household full of animals. But I only have one cat who is currently curled up next to me on the kitchen table while I write, serenading me with her rumbly song. We only have the two little Papillions.  I would have a gaggle of hounds, but the town only allows three dogs to a residence. I long for a big dog again, but the fear of having to carry the animal in an emergency prohibits us from adopting one. I will never go through what we had to do with Bishop.

I am trying to find that place in the world where we say “this is my life’s purpose.”  I have been struggling with this for a while. I am paying attention to the things that bring a reaction from the core of my being, good or bad. Being with and tending to animals comes from a place beyond my soul. This tending to the flock, so to speak, resonates so deep inside me. Nothing brings me as much joy as connecting with an animal. That is why I love the River as I am surrounded by such a variety of lovely creatures.  I feel the most at home outside, especially in my garden or on the River. However, not in minus 30 degree temperatures.


Suffering and compassion


I have been reading some posts that stuck with me for the past few days so it is time to write my thoughts. The Good Doc wrote one that took my breath. It was about suffering. It was about hopelessness. See the post here. https://doctorly.wordpress.com/2015/01/23/fly-fly-away/

No one knows truly what another is suffering with. The word suffer conjures up images of intense poverty and starvation for most. But everyone suffers with something. I am at loss for why. Many religious fanatics would say it is the will of God. But does that make sense when in the same breath they preach goodness and benevolence coming from this same entity. Why would a higher power want its “subjects” to suffer? I never have nor will I ever understand this.

Do we all have some form of suffering that challenges us? And who are we to judge the level and which is more wretched? Why is it we accept the level of suffering in some and not others?  I could list the things in this world that outrage me and yet, that is about the extent of what I do about it, much like most folks.

And that is because I have to deal with my suffering and getting through life. And truly, that is about what it sums up to be. Getting through it all and making it to the next day. Believe me, my suffering is nothing in comparison to others, but that’s not the point. We all have a level of strife and frustration that is our suffering to deal with.

What makes suffering so miserable is that even though we all have it, none of us feel or deal with it the same. And you cannot truly understand or appreciate what another person is dealing with because being human comes with multiple variables. What you may be able to deal with, I cannot and vice versa.

When I read the post about the girl dying from Lupus, I felt a connection of suffering with her. I too know what it feels like to live with pain.  I too know the frustration of losing the control of the body to something that will kill me eventually. However, my death is not imminent like hers.

I am not wheelchair ridden and I do respond to medication. However, the pharmacy still has not shipped it. Friday I was on the phone for two hours. I was put on hold and just left the phone on speaker. I must have out waited her because when she came back on she said they were shipping my drug and went through the whole procedure to set up the delivery. It was all a lie. She was just getting rid of me. This is my form of suffering because I spent a weekend of not being able to sleep more than a couple hours at a time because of the pain. Is it the same as the girl in the chair? Hell no, but it is my level of suffering.

So what is the point of this post? Although I do not understand suffering and I certainly do not tolerate people who lie to me, I have to live with both. And although it really rankles me, I have to move on.

When I read the post replies to the Doc’s story, I saw different levels of compassion. The Doctor herself has an extraordinary amount of compassion and empathy which is truly amazing. Other posts were not so empathetic. I think unless you have felt the constant and profound pain similar to what this woman in the chair feels, it is hard to imagine wanting to be released from it even if it means death.

So the answer to suffering is compassion. But not only compassion to others, but also to ourselves. I know many of my friends who silently suffer because that is what we do, especially women. We wear our suffering like a badge. “OH, I have so much to do, I am so fat, I have to take care of this person or that child” and so on. They are all valid levels of suffering.

What would happen if business were built on integrity and compassion? What would this world be like if we taught kids from the get-go what compassion is and why it is necessary? What if bullying was not a trend but treated like a plague. What if the government was really concerned about its population it serves and not about self-serving? The list is endless. And none of it is in our total control.

But self-compassion is. So for today, take care of yourself. I think if we did this more, that the compassion would naturally extend out to others. And if you know someone who is suffering, take a moment to just be present for them. That’s all it takes sometimes. Just be there. Listen, care and be compassionate.


Merry Yule

little tree

Today is the Winter Solstice and we celebrate it with Yule. In my part of the world, it is very dark as the light does not arrive until way after seven am and it is dark by 4PM. Yule is often misrepresented as a counter to Christmas. It is the other way around.    Update info…. according to the below website: The solstice is traditionally celebrated at the sunrise closest to the time when the sun is stationary before beginning its transit to the north or south. This year this occurs late on 21 December, hence the winter solstice celebrations take place at sunrise on 22 December.      http://www.megalithic.co.uk/article.php?sid=2146414227


By the early-to-mid 4th century, the Western Christian Church had placed Christmas on December 2. The actual words of the Second Council of Tours were: “There are feasts on each day between the Nativity of the Lord and Epiphany, except the three-day period on which our Fathers established for the beginning of January private Litanies in order to tread down the custom of the pagans. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Christmas

Yule is a celebration of hope and prayers and blessings. It is also a solar event marked by celebrations that have continued for eons such as in the circle of Stonehenge. If I could, I would love to witness the light beam of the sun striking precisely at the same location for centuries marking the swing of the earth on its axis. In the northern hemisphere, it is the growing of the light and the beginning or the rebirth of the earth.

This time of year affects me deeply. I got married eight years ago on the 22nd. It was not a romantic reason, but a survival one. I had been facing the possibility of being diagnosed with ovarian cancer. I did not want to get sick and die and leave my partner stranding with no home or provisions. We were both dirt poor, in school, working crappy jobs and his daughter was living with us in my house. I wanted to make sure he would have the house. I also did not want to be unmarried, plain and simple. So we got married in a very simple ceremony at the Town Hall. I did end up with a tumor but it was not malignant. The marriage has survived although it has been difficult at times. But that is part of being married.

This “season” has been turned into something I feel is very ugly. I hate the greed and the focus on commercialism and money. I cannot control it, and I do feed into the system by shopping for presents. I used to make a lot of my gifts but I do not have time anymore because I work. I used to make a ton of cookies and candy, but I have cut that way down because everyone including me does not need the extra calories. Nothing says loving like spending hours making homemade truffles and peanut butter balls to have people turn their noses up at them and look at you like the enemy.

My biggest indulgence is in the decorating of my house and environment. I bring in greens but I have to be careful with things like Mistletoe and Holly and Poinsettias because they are all poisonous to little dogs and cats. I do put up a crèche on the mantle but that is in honor of my mother. The house is covered with lights. I have them in the windows, on my plants, on my tree, and out in the garden. The sparkle and glow fills me with joy and wonder. We love to drive around the village and look at the decorations and lights. They string white lights in the trees going down Main Street and all the little shop windows are filled with more lights. Our little town looks like it could be in “It’s a Wonderful Life”. There are rumors that it was where the movie was based on; our town and/or Seneca Falls, which is very close.

On the days I work, it is very possible for me not to see daylight at all. I counter this by making sure I have an abundance of electric lights with real incandescent bulbs on in my work space. I even have a string of lights with tinsel and bulbs handing off of it. You can see my office reflecting on the low ceiling when you enter the area on the second floor. People are always amazed when they walk into my office as it is a completely different feeling then the rest of the building. But I also have sprayed it with sage and have other “things” that change the atmosphere in there. It is my oasis of safety.

I still sit out in my chair in the cold, covered in blankets and coats. I am not out there long. But the sky at this time of year is spectacular. It is so crisp and the stars sparkle brightly. Tonight I will light candles and wish for a bright future and good health for myself, my family and friends. I will give thanks to all the wondrous things that have happened this year. I will remember my ancestors, especially my mother. This time of year was particularly special for her. She was the one who instilled my love of nature and gardens. I think if it had been another time, she would have been more into herbs and medicinal plants.

I honor the Christmas traditions for my husband and his family. So in the next weeks there will be a lot of get-togethers and feasting. Actually, that is the Pagan tradition. Their celebrations lasted for twelve days, reminiscent of the song. His daughter is back from California after nine years. Although she will not be staying with us, it will be good for father and daughter to reunite. She is staying with her mother’s family. I have to work so I will not go with him for their visit which I think is actually best. We have already visited with my family yesterday, which is always short, but sweet. We will spend Christmas with his massive family.

My favorite time is when my husband and I curl up in our chairs with blankets and little doggies in our laps, and watch old movies from our collection of classics under the glow of the tree and lights and candles. “All is calm, all is bright.” Blessed Yule everyone.


The Magick of Christmas

Mrs claus      Children are such amazing creatures. I was not blessed with my own. I am not going to write a depressing saga about that today. I want to share my experience with a tradition of three years and an honor I walked into to. I get to play Mrs. Santa Claus. I was part of the event committee that puts on the event for all the employees and their families. It is a lot of fun. Every year it reminds me to be hopeful and joyful. Children are so naturally pessimistic until it becomes dashed at the hands of evil. Some would say that it is called growing up. I think, somewhere in all of us, is the child who is still hopeful.
Christmas to me was never about getting gifts. There were five of us and I came at the end of the line at a time where my parent’s wealth was gone. My father and mother had begun their fall into their first bankruptcy soon after I came on the scene. I can remember my mother sharing that she allotted only $25.00 to each child. Back then, it bought a lot more. I remember two gifts the most. One was a little plastic organ, call Enenee table top organ. This was the introduction to my love of music. I was reading music in kindergarten. The other gift was a wooden bucket with my name stenciled on it. Inside was a brand new box of 64 crayons. They were all mine. I had that bucket for years. Neither was expensive but offered the world of creativity to me.
This season is a melting pot of emotions and memories. It is about the beauty of the lights and decorations. It is about the sounds of music, chorales and bells. It is about history and shared moments. It is about forbidden foods and treats. But mostly, it is about the magick. It is about the hope that things will be safe and full of love. It is a time of forgiveness and charity. I learned at a very early age that this is the time of the year where everyone can be kind and vulnerable and it is ok. I think I treasure this the most. To me, that is the magick. In the spectacular of the façade of glitter, deep down, human kindness surfaces, even if for only a short time. It is the time of the child, for all ages. We hope and pray for goodness and joy to be part of our daily lives, and I think that this time allows for healing.
My role as Mrs. Claus is to ask the parents the name of the children and then if there is a special gift they want. I then go up to Mr. Claus and whisper the information before the child approaches. Some parents do not have a clue what their child wants. That is sad. Some children are precocious and come with a list. I know that some will say this fosters greed. But it is not the child’s fault. I do not feel the need to explain how we have created this Christmas monster.
The children react to Santa with mixed emotions. We have the ones that cry and then we have the ones who keep going back for a repeat visit. One little girl who was very nervous had her back to Santa. I had already told him her name and wish, but she was reluctant to approach. Instead, she was eyeballing the cookies and milk we were serving. I was facing her. Santa called her name from across the room and her eyes turned to saucers. It was fantastic. He then said something about her wish and I thought she would swoon. She went over, not afraid anymore, but filled with wonder and delight.
There are a couple of kids who have said to their parents they know this is the real Santa. They are bombarded with imposters at the malls and other places. What validates this Santa is that Mrs. Claus is there and that he knows them. There is one very sweet little doll who insists on having her picture with me. The day ends with the last family of five. There are twins, a boy and a girl, who are now about seven. She is in love with Mrs. Claus and needs some serious time with me in an embrace. It makes my whole day.
There are many components to this holiday season. I do not care what religion you practice because I think that it is only a piece of it. I also understand that this season can make people very depressed and I have spent some pretty bleak ones myself. But I am choosing to find magick in my life and it is so easy if you look. Find the child still in you and enjoy.

My photography with some thoughts

I thought I would share some of my photos tonight with some thoughts. island in the fog Sometimes it feels like we are an island lost in the fog.With a good foundation, we can survive anything. It is ok to have solitude times as we need to go inward at times to find strength.

Sometime we do not land well         geeze t 1

But we spring back and carry on  geeze t 2

Just when we think we are alone we discover we have friends. All we have to do is ask.

c and trees                    c and friends

Some days it seems like every one is giving us the shaft.


Rise above the clouds. Believe in yourself and take flight. Rise above

osprey          Namaste!

All photos @jdemeis 2014


Righteous indignation

I have been reading some new blogs. I am impressed with all the people who participate in writing as a form of expression of themselves. I actually started writing as part of my therapy. It has helped a lot. But I am disheartened by the content of so many blogs that I read. They are so many hurt people in this world. My vulnerability is showing and I do not care what people think of that. I have in my soul a place that feels deeply for so many. Maybe it is the Christmas music playing. Maybe it is because it is Charitable Tuesday. Something is weighing on me. This time of year brings out the good and wondrous, but also misery seems to increase. Maybe it is because we want the good at this time of year, the bad seems more heinous.

I like Christmas but I do not like all the commercialism. We have an event here called Roc the Day. It is when there is an all-out campaign to hit people up for money in the county. It is competitive by organization and it is very popular. Our organization had three entrees on the website for donations. I gave to one, but I also give at other times. The thing that bothered me was I overheard our foundation person talking to someone about how successful this is because of Christmas. People are more generous now and so they created this huge marketing plan in an attempt to get more donations. It works. But I do not like the idea of playing people.

And this led me down my path of righteous indignation tonight, especially after reading some blogs. What makes adults play on children, or should I say prey on them. What in the world creates lechery? Why would someone intentionally kill the spirit of a child for their own pleasure? I think part of why I struggle with this is because of my own experience. I will never understand why things occurred in my life; at least not while I am still in this plane of existence. I think it will be clear someday. I hold on to that as a concession. But tonight, it is overwhelming.

We accept that soldiers of war suffer from PTSD. But talking about childhood trauma and sexual abuse is still taboo. PTSD is not talked about or widely known as a medical condition for non-combat women. I think, and this is my personal theory, that it is because it is taken upon by the victim as a badge of shame. That they (we) feel they deserve what happened, or there is something so wrong or broken with them,(us), that they,(me), have a hard time sharing it or even talking about it. I know I do not speak of my childhood experiences with just anyone. And for the most part, I cannot articulate my experiences unless I write. I cannot speak about it. That is why I have such a feeling of companionship from the blogs.

Tonight I read about some pretty sad situations. This is not judgment, it is their story and to say it is anything but that it was sad would be not real. Even though the people have made a success out of their lives, at what cost? I think what potential was lost. I think of that often for myself. What could I have done with my life if I had not escaped by marrying the wrong person at such a young age? What could have become of my children if I had become a mother by marrying someone else? What-if? So many what-ifs? And the answer is “live for today.” Well, in reality, there is no other choice.

But back to my righteous indignation. Why is sexual abuse and child abuse not going way? I do not get this at all. I see parents walking kids to school for fear of them being abducted, yet they have no idea Uncle Ernie is playing “Hide the weenie” with their daughter. They turn a blind eye when their spouse crosses the line or a sibling playing house takes it too far. And why do we punish the victim and not the perpetrator? I know there are answers but why is this still an issue? It needs to stop.

But the thing that is sticking in my craw more tonight is why can’t we fix the adult that has had things happen to them? Why is there no big campaign to raise funds to help women (and men) who suffer from PTSD from childhood abuse? Why is this so difficult to heal from? I read how the past inflictions have made a living hell for so many. They suffer from chronic illnesses, fear and many are unable to work or function in the world as it is. They had the where-for-all to create a little pill to make a man get a stiffy. Really? We can’t fix the thousands of zombie-like adults who traverse this world? We cannot find some way to heal them to live their full potential, with our fear and shame?

I do not find this acceptable. I am angry and want to do something beneficial to change this situation, to help people heal, and become whole. I am so full of regret tonight that I am sitting here crying. I want to have another chance at this. I want to be twenty and able to go to college and train as a psychologist or therapist of some kind. But I am forty years past that and so I must find another way. I really feel I am wasting my existence more now than when I was younger.

My husband and I were talking about Christmas presents tonight. He is upset because I truly have nothing I want as a gift. But there is something I want and that is to find the purpose to my life. I am not sure how this post tonight got to this point, but I let my fingers do the talking. So what started out to be a post to bolster acceptance and power has left me feeling useless and in tears. So I am stopping writing for tonight. That is the first step. I do not need to beat myself up anymore.

Grateful Lessons

pumpkins  “Pumpkins”  photo by jdemeis@2014

Today is another day and completely different than yesterday. Although I still felt cruddy, I went to work. I did not sleep more than two hours at a time because I was in so much pain. But today was the life lesson I needed to witness. Everything we do in life is a choice. I am a lifelong learner and so I prefer to look at things as lessons to grab hold off. There were several lessons to learn about yesterday.

The first lesson is everything shall pass. Good times and bad. Yesterday was the measurement of bad so I know when I have it good. If things were always static, we would never know anything better or worse. That would be boring. But nothing lasts forever. Nothing! So good passes to not good and back again. Life is ebb and flow and I must learn to be like the River more and go with it.

Lesson two: I realized last night how I was holding on to the indiscretion of my husband’s family. They have no idea what they did nor would they understand that it was wrong. They just figured if someone else will do it, so be it. And so I stepped into the role. They will never know what their treatment felt like because they do it to each other all the time. I realized this is where my husband picked up the trait from. I have spent the last almost twelve years breaking him of this. (Yikes, I did not realize we have been together that long.) I was the one who punished me. But it is over and I need to move on and let it go. I also know that it is my trait to help out. I am the first to offer a hand. I would rather have that as a trait. I am too sensitive and I know it, but I am not going to change that. I can change my reaction.

Lesson three: I needed new glasses anyways. See what I said that nothing lasts forever. The old glasses will work until my new flexible spending account kicks in.

Lesson Four: My fast reaction to the flea problem is working. The cat allowed me to comb her and was flea free. I will be able to let her out of her room in time for Turkey which she dearly loves. The dogs are clean and fine. I am thinking we will be fine. And if not, I will just get new collars for them. They were expensive, but they worked.

Lesson Five: I am very grateful. When you show gratitude and feel grateful, things resolve. My new drug arrived and true to what people said, it works damn fast. My pain level is down already. Amazing! When I am in pain, I am pain. I am terrible. I should just close the door to my room and hide from people when I get like that. I really go crazy from the fear and the total body pain. But today, there was a reward. I was meeting with a lady who is not particularly fair and has been known to do some rather rotten things to me professionally. But we still meet and play kiss-kiss. Turns out her daughter may have psoriatic arthritis. She did not know I had it. She was shocked actually. So I must mask it better than I thought. It was nice to be able to educate her on the dx….she has her Masters in nursing…. She never lets me forget it. (I have a Masters in Education, so what?) Today Margaret was very concerned. It was comforting because she is my direct report and we are chummy but not cozy. For her to display concern and compassion was very nice. I was walking like a letter C and she said that was how she knew I was really in pain. And then she added I never really show it normally. So yeah for me. I never want this disease to be all I am.

I am probably going to take a break from writing for a day or two because of the holiday. I am working tomorrow and the only sr. manager in the building on Friday. I plan on just chillin’ and chompin’. My husband and I are spending the day cooking and enjoying the dogs. I am grateful for the calm day instead of massive craziness with family.

I am also grateful for all the people who I have met while blogging. Some old friends from my old blog, “There is no bang” and the new friends from this blog. I am grateful for the support and the shared compassion. May you all have a blessed and wonderful holiday.


Body of a Goddess

stone goddesses

One of the common threads I have been reading on many blogs, books and other places is the connection of body acceptance or should I say the lack of it and people who suffer from trauma, especially sexual abuse. There also seems to be a link in weight gain and eating disorders.

Because it is my frame of reference and I am not familiar with other countries, I say that the American society is very brain washed with the wrong concept when it comes to acceptable body image. We all know that the media shoves tons of images at us of skinny misshaped women. Their bodies are unnatural and Photoshopped. Yet it has become the desirable way to look and it is unobtainable.

I have been enjoying the many new You Tube videos which are trying to open the channels of acceptance for a more human view point of the shape of a human. I also have been enjoying the switch of males for females in sexually explicit commercials. While we find a guy covered in chips in bed hilarious, it is perfectly accepted and broadcast on TV when it was a woman. And we buy these products that say that these products will enhance our sexual appeal. Balderdash!

My point is two-fold on this topic. The media has to stop making females out to be nothing but sexual objects. It is unfair and extremely misleading for the youth of our country to grow up with the misconception that the thing that makes or breaks a female is her body. And it also creates a belief that men can mistreat women because they are an object.

When I was growing up, my father’s attitude towards women definitely influenced not only my brothers who are very chauvinistic, but my sister and me. I think my sister was too promiscuous because she sought acceptance through sex. It affected me with an opposite reaction.

It also influenced our body acceptance. My sister was petite like my mother, she was dark eyed and had dark brown hair like my father’s side of the family. I came into the world big, red-haired, with very light green eyes. The joke used to be, since I did not look like my siblings, that I was left under a cabbage leaf or some other terrible story. All this did was made me feel more ostracized. I was a chubby toddler and I was also taller than any of the other women in my family. By the age of twelve, I was fully blossomed into a shapely female. This was not accepted as a good thing by my family and I was painfully reminded and degraded that I was different. This also caused things to happen in my life which also impacted my feelings about my body.

By the time I was in high school, I had a pretty bad outlook on my appearance. I looked back at the few pictures of me from then and I realize now I was actually quite attractive. I covered myself in my junior and senior year in coveralls and baggie clothes. Later in my life, I had moments of self-acceptance, but then ended up in a marriage that systematically dismantled any self-esteem I had.

I feel very strongly against the propaganda used in so many venues that display women with figures like Barbie. You see it in comics, video games and any place where women are depicted as warrior types. They all have huge chests, no waists and legs ten feel long. Little boys grow up thinking that this is what a strong woman should look like.

In ancient times, Goddesses were not depicted that way at all. They were very full breasted, had full hips and often in this century’s viewpoint, obese. It really scorches me when I see modern drawings of Goddesses drawn in the today’s tradition of unreal body shapes. There are very few if any women out there who really look like that. We set up young girls for failure when we cram these unnatural images of people that they might want to aspire to.

There are many physical reactions that will impact a survivor of sexual abuse and one is often manifested in her body. It is very common for women to put on weight to use as body protection. Having a large body puts space between others and it also thought that it might be a deterrent to more sexual abuse. It also happens when the person becomes disassociated with their body. If you do not feel your body, you do not see your body…… it does not exist and therefore it gets out of shape or maybe is not the best of shape. I know this to be true for myself. It only adds to the concept of self-hatred and loathing and because people of size are not accepted, it continues the ostracization that already occurs being a victim. It deflects people from the real issue. It also feeds the self-deprivation mode that survivors often live in. “I am not worthy. Look I am fat and society deems that ugly, so I must be all that.” (Did not mean to make a rhyme)

I know there are people out there who feel all fat people are disgusting. They think we are lazy and slobs and must spend all our time eating. Our society feeds that mentality. I was on a website where a zaftig young woman was flaunting her curves in some very cute two piece bathing suits. I thought she was stunning. The site had a series of posts from viewers who trashed her. They were repeatedly commenting on the fact that she was not a size 14 like she said in the video but more a 22 or more. They totally were criticizing her on the audacity to wear a two piece with a large tummy. I think someone made a comment about how she must be Photoshopped because she did not have stretch marks. There were some very cruel comments and mostly from women. They missed the point totally. She was standing up for all women to accept their body.

I really want to encourage anyone who is reading this to think twice about their own comments and feelings when they see people of size. I have read where people will do just about anything to not be fat. One woman I read about would rather not take antidepressants because they will make her put weight on. She was prescribed the medicine because she was suicidal. So she would rather be dead than fat. Young girls bully others because they are not bone thin. It is a tradition for women when they get together to eat to first deny that they are hungry. Then they pick and feign desires for the luscious delights that are offered to them, let’s say at a party. I personally like to cook and I have no patience for anyone who comes to my house and does not eat. That’s just rude.

It used to be acceptable to ostracize people with different pigmented skin. They were labeled inappropriately and demeaned them on their physical presentation and not on the person. It is totally unacceptable. We need to really think about this with body image. It is still okay to make fun of people who are small in stature. It is totally acceptable to ridicule someone who is rounder and fuller. It is not ok to stare at someone who has a birth defect (bad word in my terms) but you can stare down and verbally make slanderous remarks to people of size. This actually happened to my husband when we were out. We had parked the car normally in the space allotted. When we went to leave, someone park so close he could not get in the car. It would only open a few inches. It was ridiculous. We went inside and had the owner paged. He came out and when my husband asked him to move his car over, he started throwing all sorts of insults at him, calling him fat and stupid. He took it, but I was pissed. I want to haul off and break his tail light….. but then, that’s my rage issue….Unfortunately he parked elsewhere or his car door would have slipped when I opened it for him…. Ooopps. Don’t mess with a large feminist…. Not good!