As I lay in bed this morning, I could feel my heart pounding and hear it in my ears. I know that means I had too much potassium. It used to be so bad that it was hard to think with the loudness in my ears. Now I don’t hear it very often because I am watching what I eat. But yesterday was a holiday, and in my family we celebrate with food. I allowed myself a free day. I did not go crazy, but after all the changes I made in the last month, it really impacted how I feel today. Was it worth it? Well, maybe.
The other thing is that I am guilt ridden. I am so food conscious because of my size. I often get peoples’ stares at restaurants as they feel entitled to judge my food consumption. I normally make a face right back if I catch someone glaring at me. It also amazes me that they think they have the right to judge.
My indulgence yesterday was to go to our favorite ice cream stand and get a dish of the best soft serve ever. Their small is huge. I had forgotten how huge. As we approached the stand, this old crow was sitting with a bunch of other folks and glared at us. I just looked at her and made a snarl face. She looked away but then I saw her return to her glare. The other people she was eating with were enjoying their food but not her. I do not think she enjoys much. We got our ice cream and came back out to eat it and there was sour puss staring again. I just ignored her. People do not realize what harm they cause when they look at people with judgment and disgust. We polished off our dishes of delightful twist and we left.
For dinner, we were doing a cookout and I had planned to have a ground chicken burger, mac salad and cole slaw in my daily planning for the day. I decided because we had mowed the lawn and taken a small walk in the park we visited that I had burned enough calories to have one of the freshly baked rolls my husband bought. I have not eaten much bread at all and this was a treat. The burger also was huge. I did share some of it with the dogs, but I ate most of it. It was a good 6 or 7 ounces.
The daily totals were almost double what I normally eat. The protein was at my limit but I usually am way under. Protein and potassium are the two things I am most concerned about in my consumption. Sugar and fat is secondary.
My glucose reading this morning was just fine and not elevated at all. I was worried it was. But I drank a ton of water to help flush out the sugar. That made me realize that I had planned carefully and I was ok with the slight indulgence.
But as I lay there this morning I thought what if all that protein was too much? What if I damaged my kidneys and pushed it to the next level? There is no going backwards for the most part. Once they say its dialysis, that’s it. No one comes off dialysis unless they have a transplant, so I am told.
No one really understands how totally terrified I am of having dialysis. When I first was told, I felt like someone had stabbed me in the heart and kicked me in the gut. There are times now when I am alone that I will weep silently. I feel I am facing a torturous death sentence. Dramatic, I know, but it is how I feel. I am not all that brave and this is too much at times for me to handle. I can’t share this in conversation because unless you are in the same boat, people cannot grasp the fear.
I am my own worst enemy. I worry too much. But being cautious about what I eat is a serious decision. I know too many people who are cavalier about what they eat and then when they end up with a diagnosis, they continue with their bad habits and only get sicker. Then they ask why.
Today I get back on the wagon, so to speak. There is some feeling of success when I am in control. I just hope no damage was done. I will not know for a week until I have labs. I am sure I will perseverate about it the whole time.