A journal of healing

I did it!

I did it. I left my job. I “retired.” It has been a tumultuous month getting prepared for the last day. It came and went with a whimper. My body reacted far more than my mind. In my head, I kept feeling like I was going on vacation. Not even on the last day when I packed the light that has been on my desk for 6.5 years  did I feel like it was a permanent situation. Handing in my badge was emotional however. That has been my identity for so long. “Employee” “Director.” Now what am I?

I am relieved. It is hard to explain how much physically different my body feels. I have been living in terror for so long and the last month was even more so, if that is possible. When you have PTSD, your body takes over and reacts without your thoughts. I was a knot of tension which got worse until the last day. My stomach ached, my blood pressure was way up and my chest was tight all the time. My normal aches and pains were heightened. I did not sleep. I was a mess.

But my Spirit guides showed me that the path to leave was the right choice by showing me a glimpse of the future. I left turmoil and a toxic environment that was only going to get worse.

One by one, my employees came to me to tell me their plans for the future. One has a sick mother and will probably be taking FLMA and the new extended paid FLMA is the spring. She already asked for two weeks in February to make plans. Another one wants to go back to her family in Africa where she has a sick sister. She too is planning on using FLMA to scope things out in the early summer and then leave later this year.

They never hired the new clinical education manager. Now, they are so desperate, they may promote the girl I hired to be the Educator. I hope they do that as at least she has an idea of what is going on. When I resigned, the VP redid her job, and took away most of the responsibilities that made the job challenging and interesting. If they keep her at the position, she will walk. She wants to grow in her career, not go backwards. The Lead Preceptor is still on limited restrictions and only working five hours a day when she can. She detests the VP and will go back to field if he messes with her.

But the final conflict was with the part time paraprofessional trainer I hired last year. She was a pain in the ass from day one. She wanted more hours. She did as she wanted. She did not follow regulations when it came to training. It was a tough job to fill and so many times I looked the other way on certain things. But I knew she was a liar because she got caught in lies so many times. What made her lies so hard to comprehend was that her other job is a Pastor of a Church, unless that is a lie too. The last straw was her timesheet the week after Christmas. She marked herself in an hour and half sooner than when I know she was there. I had four people looking for her on this day who all said she showed up at 1:30. She marked she was in at noon. I went back and pulled her timesheets for six months and matched them up to her badge swipes and there were huge discrepancies. We have to swipe to get into the buildings. I never trusted her time, but I did not think she was padding her timesheet as much as she was. And it is hard to prove because I was not in the same building as she was so I never knew for sure when she came in. But this was fraud and I had witnesses. I had to fire her.  The stress of this was terrible. But somehow she got wind of it or knew her performance was terrible and resigned on this past Wednesday. I was so relieved because she is very unstable and firing her might have been very dramatic and possibly violent.

There was so much else going on during all this. I left a mess that was only going to get worse in time. The new regulations coming out governing the way home care agencies do business are ridiculous. The amount of documentation that the clinicians are going to have to do is extraordinary. It will be too much for some and they will go back to the hospitals, where there is much less documentation. The insurance companies are building in requirements that are so restrictive in order to deny payments when they are not met. Much of the work that was done in the last two year at the agency has come unraveled. The big Lean projects designed to correct money issues are collapsing due to lack of oversight. Since June, the agency has lost even more money that they did the previous two years and will be at an all-time new low as far as meeting the budget. They will lose over 5 million this year. It will mean even more layoffs with a support staff that is extremely limited. They already canned one Administrator. The “Mothership” will be replacing higher positions with their personnel and absorbing more of the support roles. That has already started. They will never shut them down, but they will run the agency.

But through all this, I came to realize that I was not cut out for the tension and back stabbing anymore. I also do not like the “new” workforce. I had to train this young chicky who is the golden child of the VP I worked for. She is the typical young spoiled child in her late twenties. One day when I was training her on a training system we use, she was slumped across my desk with her head in her hand yawing in my face. This lack of respect display was only heightened by her continually picking up her phone to check something and text. How much do you think I really showed her? Good luck! On the last day, she was panicking because the VP asked her to pull a report and she had no clue as what to do. The three of us had to meet and I did explain it again to her in front of the VP.  I will not miss that crap at all.

I will not miss the hurry up and do something only to have it not used or forgotten. I think of all the stupid busy work that I was requested to do by the rotten VP only to have him move on to something else. I think of all the finger pointing and the excuses and blame. I will not miss that. Did I just get old and was this crap always there?

The firing of the part time instructor caused a huge issue. She was also the train the trainer, and instructor for the agency’s CPR program. By regulation, we have to have some of our staff CPR trained. The same chicky who was so bored during her training with me was to be trained as a new instructor and to take over the oversight of the program when I left. She missed her training (three times) and so was not certified. I was leaving them without an instructor in CPR. This caused me great worry. She could give a crap.

I finally figured it out. Her generation was raised, and especially her because she was an only child of elderly parents, that she never had to resolve anything in her life. Someone else always has fixed it or she just didn’t care. I have seen this behavior in so many 20 and 30 year olds. I was raised to take responsibility seriously. I took it to an extreme where it was physically harming me.

This lack of concern is apparent in the quality of documentation performed by the clinicians. I see it in young managers who cannot deal with conflict and go running immediately to their superior. I see the degradation of leadership where the “what-ever” attitude is beginning to permeate. This is not an arena I am comfortable in. I want to work with people who give a shit and take it to heart when they are in charge. I cannot abide the cocksure attitude of children who think they know everything until they are put to the test and then point fingers at others in their failure. I see it our training rooms where people are looking at cell phones instead of absorbing the lessons that will make them successful. What is even scarier is the increase in errors in medical practice. Very scary. My favorite horror story is where some packed a sacral wound only to discover it was the person’s anus they packed.

I know too much. I know what has been buried. I sat too long on boards that over saw the discrepancies and issues that were harming patients as well as the agency. I am no longer able to tolerate the lack of concern and I know I was not the only one. I was the last of the senior staff that was with me from the day I got hired.  We called ourselves the Brain Trust and we were powerful and passionate about our jobs.  They all have left or retired.

Smugly, it pleases me that it will take two new directors and two new managers to do my “job”.

The only thing I am in charge of now is me.  I think I am in a good place finally.

 

 

 

Comments on: "I did it!" (5)

  1. Working in healthcare with PTSD is not easy for me either. I am a tad jealous of you…

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  2. Congratulations! What you have done takes great courage. Be proud of yourself. Now, let your mind & body relax so you can heal and become the happiest, healthiest version of you.

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  3. It is going to be an adjustment. Don’t be jealous, your time will come too.

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  4. Thank you.

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  5. Jane, I don’t know how I missed this post! Having recently gone through that last full employment day myself, I fully understand your feelings. It will probably take more than four new people to replace you, especially since three of them won’t stay. My greatest chuckle recently was when I learned that my young replacement didn’t even last 3 months in my job before she gave up and went on her way. Made me laugh, but not my problem. What happens on your old job is no longer your problem – don’t let that change.

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