A journal of healing

Let there be cake!

I saw the bright reflection from down the hall. The light glimmered off the protective covering as my boss walked towards me. It was time for our weekly staff meeting and we met and turned to enter the room together. It was like walking with one of the three kings from the Orient to present the holy child with frankincense or myrrh. She had the gift of the Magi. She had birthday cake.

If I was abandoned on a dessert island and could only have one food, it would be chocolate birthday cake covered in butter cream frosting with tons of roses and flowers. And there is one store here that makes the best. My boss was carrying one of those exact cakes into our meeting as a surprise for one of staff. I had to decide at that point if it was the best day or the worst.

I have been going through an on-line course call “Be Nourished.” It is a series of six modules that offer lessons and inspiration to learn to become an intuitive eater. No diet, no starvation and definitely no deprivation. It takes practice and training to quiet the mind and really feel what the body is saying. Instead of eating from emotion, you eat when and what your body says it wants. Believe it or not, when you really pay attention, the body does not crave sugar. I was surprised to see how easy that has been. I also noticed that I do not crave carbs and salty things as much.

If you think by “letting go” there would be the urge to eat everything under the sun. For some, I guess that happens. But then, it is in response to an emotion and not the actual response to hunger. I discovered I eat when I am bored. I eat out of habit. Its noon, it is time for lunch. But now I wait until I am hungry. It is weird also to actually feel hunger. And then I listen to what my body says it wants. I bring my lunch but at dinner, the choice often is salad automatically.

The other part of intuitive eating is knowing when your full. There are studies which say often obese people do not sense full. I stop for the most part when I am full or just know to stop. Sometimes the guilt of throwing food out makes me push past the point where I could stop.

I sat through the meeting eyeing with delight and patience for them to cut the cake. But when they did, I passed on it. It was only 10:00 am and I truly was not in the mood. I did not want the sugar rush that early on in the day only to crash later. I knew the cake would be left in our shared area and others would attack it later as was my plan. But I ate my lunch first. I was not hungry after that, but images of butter cream rosettes danced in my brain. Finally, I gave in and went to cut a chunk for myself. I included a piece of the biggest pink rose. It was only about an inch and a half square piece. I had to carry it back to my office. I knew if someone passed me in the hall I would get “the look.”

I actually set it behind me on a cabinet for a bit and again reassessed how I felt. The biggest hurdle was the guilt. It was so strong. I thought of all the things I have been doing for myself. This was a blatant disrespectful act and lacked self-compassion, I thought.  I spun my chair around to gaze at the loveliness of the rose which just happened to be my favorite color. I spun back to my computer to think how I would feel with all that sugar pulsing through my body after so long a withdrawal from most sugary things. I could feel the cake behind me. Its chocolate goodness filled the air and the pure white of the frosting sat waiting to be enjoyed. I spun around and with fork in hand, slowly and with purpose devoured the piece. I tasted every grain of sugar, every ounce of butter, every essence of dark cocoa.

It was done.

Was it worth you ask….. Hell, Yeah!

Comments on: "Let there be cake!" (3)

  1. I do that now. If there is something I am really craving I take a bite or two and throw the rest away. Wasteful? Sure. I struggled with that for a long time. But this way I can get the flavor, savor it, and not feel guilty about consuming it. The practice has taught me that I don’t need as much as I thought I did in order to enjoy something and there are things that I used to think I enjoyed that in actuality when I really considered them I found I did not really enjoy them as much as I thought I did. That is itself wonderfully empowering and makes everything that I do eat taste so much better!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. pattyspathtohealing said:

    Thats the thing. It doesn’t have to be total deprivation. It is possible to enjoy something, like a piece of cake, occasionally and without guilt. I had bariatric surgery (and i totally agree that it’s not the solution for everybody) and om on a bariatric facebook page. Somebody complIned about never eating bread or cookies again. I posted that i wat toast a couple of times a week and i eat 2 cookies every single day. At least 100 people told me that i would regain all of the weight I’ve lost. I know i won’t. I eat what my body needs. Ive learned to really listen to my body. I just went through a couple of weeks where i coukd not eat enough peanut butter crackers. That’s over now. And in those 2 weeks i lost 6 lbs. Now i cant stand the idea of peanut butter crackers


  3. Life is too short and statistically, dieting does not work. We are all born with the sense to know what we need and somewhere around four it gets derailed. This has been an interesting practice and I think it is sustainable. I will eventually learn to not waste as much by not putting together so much. Thank you for sharing.

    Liked by 1 person

Would love to hear from you. Please comment on this post.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

%d bloggers like this: