A journal of healing

falls rainbow

Self-compassion teaches us that we need to come to a place of acceptance with whatever we have been given in life. It is the hardest thing to tackle and embrace. We use phrases like “if only” and “someday I will” to cope with that at this moment, this very present moment, I am not satisfied. Can we ever get to a state of total acceptance of what is, is just that?

There is always someone worse off than we are and then, they are people whose life seems totally charmed and conflict free. Deep down humans by nature are born to struggle and have conflict and it is not our place to measure and judge. But we do. We compare and emote how “no one knows what I struggle with.” That is a true statement. No one can know.

For example, pain is different for each being. We all have it and as we get older it is a constant companion. For me, there are times when it is overwhelming and there is no escape. This is what I have to deal with right now and sadly, it is not going to get better. Unless there is finally a miracle drug that works for me, I will progressively get worse. And the drugs I have tried have been a succession of making things worse, not better. This too is my present moment.

I am not dealing well with this, but I am trying to learn. One of the techniques I am learning is called “sitting with the pain”. Instead of ignoring it, I face it full on. I focus in my head the center of glow, the spot where the pain is the worse, and just sit with it. Sometimes it will calm down a bit to a dull shine instead of as spike of ice cold laser pain. Mediation also calms the beast.

But my life is not of a Buddhist monk. My life is filled with drama. I work fulltime in an angst filled profession where conflict and aggression are a daily part of my day. I have issues in my home life with family squabbles and pressure. This is a normal life and it is challenging.

What I am trying to learn is to be ok with everything. To accept this is what my life is and stop struggling. It is the struggle that exacerbates the pain. It makes sense. If someone ties you up, when you struggle against the restraints, it is painful. If you lay there and accept it, it’s not so painful.

But I am not one who quits either. I am not ready to lie down and give up and let this disease take over and make me bed ridden. I find myself very angry at times with my limitations. That anger has been getting worse because I am not at a place where I easily say, “Ok… that’s enough for today.” So I push myself too far and then end up in excruciating pain. And it is hard on my husband who often is the brunt of the anger. He is used to me doing everything. He sees the deterioration in my strength and stamina.  I think it frightens him. He is also used to be taken care of and he is not the best caregiver. That too is something that worries me.

Self-compassion teaches us to take care of us first. If we do not take care of ourselves, no one else really will and there you are. That is the heart of it. Self-compassion is not being selfish. It is learning to make the individual moments of your life the best they can be. No one else in the whole world can MAKE your life any better than you can for yourself. It is easy to preach these concepts. Much harder to live.



Comments on: "“Living with where you are”" (11)

  1. I hear you, Jane. Working full-time while struggling with a chronic condition is so very hard. Coming home to deal with household issues and needy spouses makes it even harder. Acceptance doesn’t really come into play – I work because I have no choice if I want to stay in my house and eat every day. I would throw the towel in right now if I could and simply sit home playing videogames and waiting for the pain to go away. Usually after a few days off, I do feel better, although never 100%. But I do agree that comparing your life to that of others is not the way to go, it just makes your own life seem that much worse. Hang in there, Jane, and just take it day by day. That’s really all you can do. Hugs, my friend.


  2. Reblogged this on Cordelia's Mom, Still and commented:
    This re-blog is for all my friends who are living with chronic health conditions and for those caring for loved ones in poor health. Life can be so very hard at times. Let’s all send Jane our love and support.

    (Comments are disabled here – leave comments over on Jane’s site.)

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Hubby is in constant pain in varying degrees, and like you it will not get better. I watch him struggle, knowing I can do nothing to help him, as he pushes himself to the limit and beyond. Sometimes the medication works, sometimes it doesn’t. It make my problems so pitiful and trivial.
    My thoughts are with you, stay positive and strong. Don’t give in. I am saying this to myself every day just now. Positivity is the key.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. It must be very difficult to deal with all the pain you’re going through. It makes sense to me that you must take care of yourself and have compassion for yourself. Of course it isn’t selfish. It’s helpful to those who need you to be well, but who aren’t as equipped to deal with your problems as you are.

    I wish you well in your struggle.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Oh thank you. I knew you would understand. The other day, we pulled into a handicapped spot and put up our tag. Someone watched me get out of the car, and grab my walking stick ( I refuse to use a cane) And you could see the judgement all over her face. Walk a mile baby, walk a mile!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Being positive does help, thanks. But sometimes you just have to face up and deal with what you got. Thank you.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Thank you for your kind thoughts. this post was for all who are in the same boat as I am and there are a lot of us.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. CM sent me over.

    It is astonishing how some damn disease can mess up your life, isn’t it. I admire you for literally facing your pain. I don’t know what illness you suffer from, but I know with my Crohn’s, it is the painful times that test me the most.

    I hope that you are mistaken and that there is something out there that can ease your pain.


  9. Thank you for your comment. I have Psoriatic Arthritis, which sounds like no big deal. But it not only effects joints by dissolving the ligamints and supporting tissue, it attacks ever organ on the body including the skin. I have inflammation where no body should. The issue is the drugs are a try and see type of situation. I have rejected six very powerful ones. There are new ones coming out everyday. So….. But for the present moment, drug number 7 is not working. 😦 Thanks for asking.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Oh dear, Jane. If you’d told me your diagnosis 2 years ago, I would have been unfamiliar with it. But last year a friend/relative (by marriage) was diagnosed with PA. He, too, is pretty miserable, and hasn’t found a treatment that helps him. I wrote this post for him: https://fiftyfourandahalf.com/2015/07/25/its-a-frogs-life/ .

    But frankly, when you’re in constant or near constant pain well the challenges are quite different from mine.

    I actually work in medical research — drugs specifically. They are doing a fair amount of research into your condition — and trying to come up with different types of treatments that might be able to help.

    I feel for you. And I hope you find something that helps you really soon.


Would love to hear from you. Please comment on this post.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

%d bloggers like this: