The River brings out the best in me. I am not sure if it is because I am on vacation and most everything that stresses me is not there. I think that is a big part of it. But my connection with the animals and the lessons I see every day there also contributes to my wellbeing.
I woke this morning with a panic attack or an anxiety attack. AGAIN! There is nothing affecting me that I can point to that would be a cause. I stayed in bed for a bit trying to just breathe through it but the animals were also awake and wanted to start their day. So I got up and went outside with them and I was still shaking. I tried to practice some of the techniques from my reading I did this past week.
I am currently rereading Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself by Kristin Neff. I also just finished The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion by Christopher Germer. I am going to be taking a class from a friend who I used to work with. She quit her safe job and went into her own business of coaching and teaching. How brave she is and her dreams are coming true. I am thinking this is going to be very good for me. But it took me a week to actually make the commitment and sign up. I agonized over all the reasons why I could not take it and fretted over the cost. It is not a cheap sessions of classes.
If you can see the irony, raise your hand. My biggest concern was spending the money on myself for this class so I was coming up with reasons to get out of taking it. I wrote to my friend and expressed my concerns and she kindly answered all my questions and reassured me it would be fine. I told her, “see why I need this class” and she agreed.
This is me, slapping at the world when things do not go my way. Guess what, things don’t go anyone’s way. They just go. I am the one who is struggling with the flow. I am the one who causes the strife.
The River shows us that the flow never stops. But you have to adapt. You have to roll with the punches.
I constantly feel the need to fight. That nothing comes easy and that I need to struggle. I do in some cases because of prejudice and ignorance. And that won’t go away, either.
Some people easily adapt. We had lunch with my favorite Sister-in-law who spoke about her philosophy in life. She has dealt with many crappy situations in her life and has always rolled with the punches. She says, “ if it doesn’t affect my life or the life of my boys, it is not my business and I don’t bother with it.”
Today is a day to remember how blessed we all are that fifteen years ago, we did not ALL die. It was a real opportunity for all out war. I cannot imagine how people who lost folks to 9/11 went on with their lives, but they did. They are heroes. Forgotten heroes. I still see in my mind’s eye the images of what happened as it happened. I remember trying not to freak out in front of the students who thought that it was just a movie and not real.
I wish for peace in everyone’s heart. I need to work on being more compassionate towards myself and give “me a break.” I hope the next couple of months will teach me to be more calm and accepting of the gift we call life.