In everyone’s life there comes a point when strife, pain and anxiety overwhelms you to the point of making you immobile. It renders you a victim, no matter how much you think you can over come. It is ok to take time for all feelings and situations and to live within them so that when things change, and they always do, you remember from whence you came. But I was past embracing the pain. I was way over feeling the morose apathy and found no peace with my existence.
I came to this conclusion a couple of weeks ago. My illness had rendered me to the point of filing for FLMA and taking a leave of absence. I was in so much pain, depressed more than I have ever been and suffering because there was no escape from the constant pain, not even in sleep.
I was a shipwreck with what seemed to be no point of return. I am usually a fighter but with all the work and personal garbage that my family and I have gone through recently, on top of the slow deterioration of my body, the warrior in me was ready to lay down the sword. I decided that time may have been running short for me if things medically could not be turned around. I envisioned my life locked in a world of abject pain and suffering. I decided I better enjoy what mobility I might have left. So my husband and I took off for four days to Niagara Falls and stayed at a very expensive hotel right on top of the falls.
We drove up in a rain storm with fog rolling in off the Niagara River. Our room was on the 19th floor. The weather matched my feelings. I embraced the quiet clouds rolling up and over the view below us. There was something very soothing and calming watching the fog obliterate buildings and then move on to engulf something else. The view was constantly changing.
The battle to obtain my new medicine had been finally won after 19 days. I had begun the regiment the Tuesday before we left. I knew that it would not medically change much in the short time I was on it. But the hopelessness was gone. I had a future and possible chance to begin to heal and feel somewhat better. The hope alone was tonic and elevated my mood. It is beyond me why working with insurance and pharmacies always is such a fitful struggle. What happens to the elderly who are not as tenacious as I am?
We treated ourselves to a couple of quiet days of reading and napping. The weather had improved but was still very cold. I sat in front of the window, bundled in my comforter from home and read and watched the water.
The power of the water constantly flowing over the rapids and then cascading down and over was a hypnotic view. We had a Jacuzzi tub and twice I filled and soaked. We stayed in and just completely chilled. We did not watch TV or have much contact with the outside world.
On day three, we ventured out and down to the falls. It was not an easy day for me physically but the sun was bright and the crowds were not too bad. But I did noticed that I was able to do more than I thought. My husband was very patient. We sat often which allowed us to spend time doing a favorite activity of people watching.
We dined in the fancy restaurant in the hotel for dinner and had lovely buffet breakfasts. In between was just pure free time. I read two books and did a lot of introspection and mediation. Sometimes, I just nodded out.
I am writing this two weeks into my new therapy. My mood is completely different. The gloomy fog is gone. My pain level is much less, although not in anyway alleviated. I have run into a side effect that I think I can manage. I know that the quiet time and reflection was well worth the cost of the trip. We are all worth spending time and hard earned money on ourselves and doing it guilt free. I know the break from the everyday was an integral part into the shift of my physical and mental metamorphous. I learned a valuable lesson about how sometimes you have to completely change your environment to see the way out of the Rabbit Hole.