It is in the air. I can smell it and I can see the change in the light. I can hear it in the morning in birdsong. Spring is coming soon. This is by far my favorite time of year. The anticipation of the warmer air, flowers and gardens and the freedom to be outside is part of the reason I love this time of year. I get weary by August of the hot air. Fall is gorgeous but the dread builds with the coming of the cold and snow. Winter to me is horrible. I like the first snows and I like the holidays, but the darkness and immobility because of the snow and ice makes me hate winter.
There is more for me going on that is making a difference. I finished the training at work and the big project I have been working on for me is pretty much done. I was training three two hour classes a day for the last two weeks and the exhaustion was palatable. For over five months, I lived and breathed this project which was filled with lies and deception. I do not work well with people who say they are going to do something and then don’t. The two leaders of this project were way in over their heads and their way of dealing was to give orders and then disappear. Fortunately for me, I had control of the education portion and it was completely successful. The next pill I will have to swallow will be when they take credit for the success in the project even though they had little to do with it. Actually, they almost tanked it. I learned a lesson in boundaries. Work is work and as I grow older, the significance of my identity being dependent on my work has lessened greatly. I think it is the first progression towards retirement. I am not going to have a problem of walking away from this job one day.
I am also anticipated starting a new drug for my Psoriatic Arthritis. I have been without any medication for also the past five months. The pain has grown exponentially. I am now to the point that more than five hours of sleep is difficult because it hurts to lay there. No one can understand what this disease is like unless you have it. From the outside, I look fine except for patches of lizard skin and the dandruff from the psoriasis. I have noticed people do not have tolerance for fat people who struggle to move. I work very hard to not let this disease slow me down or imped my mobility. But there is nothing I can do right now. I am limping, my ankles give out and the pain in my back and neck comes on with very little walking right now. I can’t sit for long and so I have to get up and move, which also creates pain. Stress only exacerbates the situation tenfold. This will be the third drug in less than a year and I hope it works.
Today is supposed to be almost 60 degrees out. We have a blanket of snow covering everything and I hope it melts. I know that underneath it I have snow drops trying to raise their little white heads. The garden shops open soon and walking through and smelling the dirt and moss is one of my favorite things to do. My spirit glows again with the anticipation of sitting in my garden surrounded by the beauty and serenity of nature.