A journal of healing

The Beast Returns


People who are diagnosed with PTSD will relate to this post. I am of the belief that there really is no cure for it and that it is an easy beast to get captured by and eaten. All the therapy in the world will never truly vanquish the beast. But therapy may help to armor up and fight.

I am ensnared at work in a most ridiculous, piss-poor and totally out of control project. It involves almost every aspect of the agency. The two captains should have been removed months ago. Meanwhile, we all are being sucked down this path of disaster unable to stop the slide. And of course, there is a ton of money involved so just pulling the plug is not possible. But it really was the answer four months ago. Now, we are headed right for the launch at the end of this month.

We were about to roll it out in September when none of really knew what was going on. The night before the first training session, the team of six of us practiced how the training would go and discovered huge issues, so we stopped the roll out. Since then, the team was to resolve these issues so that things would work. But the reality is that they will never work. The system is faulty and does not meet our needs.

I am responsible for training all the staff on this system. There are two factions. One group was launched this week, and I do not foresee any issues with their piece. It is the training that commences with the 250 aides in the middle of the month that is a challenge. Even of the training goes through without a hitch, the after effect, the tsunami, will be awful.

I know that training will be blamed, even though everyone knows we cannot train to the level to thwart this disaster. It is inevitable as the users apply this product. The issue is that the product is not what we should be using. They needed a different system. But the Captain signed the contract and pushed it forward without testing. He continues to fabricate reports to the admin team about how wonderful this product will be. It could not be farther from the truth.

I am not sleeping. I had a cold at Christmas which seemed to get better and then last week it returned. I actually think this was the flu. I had chills Monday night so bad that I crawled into bed and covered myself with blankets and two comforters. But I had to muster on and go to work because there is no one to cover what I do. I have not been this sick in years. And everyone is feeling ill. That is what stress will do to folks.

Because of my PTSD, I have reverted to old reactions that I thought I had worked to subside. I need control in my life. When I do not feel safe, I am reactionary. I fire off in fear and anxiety. I feel trapped in a place I cannot get out and for me, that is the worse. I become a trapped animal. I wake in the middle of the night and perseverate on all the things that are happening and even if I work out a resolution, I will fret and worry for hours until sleep overtakes me again. I wake feeling exhausted and I have the shakes. I cannot meditate because I am so exhausted I fall asleep or I start a cycle of worry. I have tried to use my breathing exercises but have only successfully set off a series of hacking coughs.

In a month, it will be done for me. I will survive. It helps that I know what is physically happening to me. I can control some of the anxiety at times. I am aware when I am flying off and reacting in fear. But the hard thing is to control it before I lose it and it takes over. That is usually in the middle of the night when the demon seems so massive. I am aware again of that endless deep abyss that seems to be right below me and that my grip is weak. It really gives perspective to being on the edge for me.




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