I got caught again. People with PTSD have a major issue with trust. But deep inside there is this flame that longs for two things from this world: A place to belong and the ability to trust. I have neither. Simply put, I do not belong because I do not trust. And I do not trust because I am an outsider. I do not trust because I have learned not to, which makes it difficult because I am always keeping a distance to protect myself, which makes me an even bigger outsider.
I came to this conclusion most recently when I was doing some deep thinking about my current state of life. I am too old to be naive, and yet I am. I fall for the most ridiculous things. I still hope after all these years that people will be good. But I am finding that not to be so and it seems more prevalent now than even before. Being kind used to be revered and now it is a sign of weakness. The more tough and nasty you are, the better you will survive. And thinking about my childhood, I should be as hard as a rock. But I am not at all. Just the opposite.
And so at this late stage of my life, I do not trust anyone…including myself. Which is a very precarious place to be. I open myself up because of my expectations only to be dashed because they are not anyone else’s expectation.
What I have worked so hard to heal will truly never heal as people continually rip the wound open.
I am trying hard right now to figure out why this is. What am I supposed to learn from all this? Am I here to feel this pain for a reason? I believe in reincarnation and I wonder if this go-around is in part to work through a previous life where I deceived people? What am I supposed to grapple from this struggle?
As we approach the fall season, I will turn even more inward. In future years, when I won’t be working fulltime, this will be my isolation time. For now, I have to continue in the world I am in. My heart is not in it. I have no patience and my tolerance for bullshit is non-existent. I want to sleep all the time and instead suffer long periods of wide-wake reality checks in the middle of the night. I am physically sick and my hypervigilance is in full gear. I am being cold to people but inside as vulnerable as ice in the dessert. I can’t blame it on hormones or any other female issues. I will say it is very cyclical with me, which makes me hopeful that this too shall pass.