We are currently at the River. My house and furbabies are safely being watched by a loving friend. There is should be nothing for me to worry about. But even here, the most beautiful place in the world, I did not find the calm I so needed. But I did get some fabulous photos which I will share in time.
If you know me, my favorite bird is the Blue Heron. Every year since I can remember, there has been a heron who comes at night across the little lagoon from our room. She comes and fishes and stays for a while. I have gotten close shots of her only a few times. This year, she spent a couple of nights on our side of the cove, and I went out to photograph her. ( I could not type shoot her.) This year, it was like she posed for me. At one point, she actually walked towards me. I was delighted.
Why can I not relax? Although I have been going to bed exhausted, the sun and water really takes it out of you, I have had nothing but troubling dreams. Dreams of my past marriage and the pain inflicted by my ex’s cheating. Why does this haunt me only in my dreams? It has been 13 years since I spoke to him, and have no desire to contact him at all. One night I woke up to chest pain and flutters. It was a very weird sensation and not pleasant at all. So then I perseverated on the possibility of a heart attack and sleep again alluded me. One night, I was being chased by something and I have no recollection of what other than I woke up with a startle. Maybe it is because it is not my own bed.
Before we left, my father-in-law was in the hospital and near death. My Mother-in-law fell and broke her pelvis. My FIL is now in rehab, having survived a miracle. He is however, very depressed. My MIL is in a nasty nursing facility. 62 years of marriage and this is how they will end up. I too would be depressed. I am not sure that living so long that you end up just hanging on day by day is the way I want to end up. What is life if there is no quality to it? I dread the idea of just sucking up the maintenance care of being in a nursing home, knowing there is no way out. As I sat out at night, pondering the meaning of life, my last thoughts of the day are to make the next one count.
One thing I know for sure; people who are affected with PTSD never really get over it. I continue with my research and reading on the topic. Although there are many methods of down playing the hypersensitivity, it NEVER really goes away. For me, new places with strangers puts me on high alert. Even though I know the Islands so very well, when it is crowded up here, it stresses me. We went out on a packed boat tour that lasted three hours. The idiot next to me had to have his wife sit with him and so three of us were crushed in a seat for two. I could not move, and I do not like strangers touching me. It was also 90 degrees. Usually the water turns me to mush, but not that trip. I was so sore when we got back from being all tightly wrapped and on hyper alert, I actually had a muscle spasm in my back.
There was also a situation at work that happened just before I left. It really had me tweaked as it had to do with one of my employees lying. I hate lying in any form. But this was about me. I could not let it go. I perseverated on it for days when something came to light that sort of put me at ease. I spent every morning connecting with work because there was so much going on when I left. I will be coming back to a very large project which includes the whole agency, all divisions and departments. I am co-project manager. It will entail the loss of jobs and that is very hard to know about. It will be a complete restructure. But before I left, I was promoted to Director and given a new division. I had a new employee start the week before we left and that needed me to keep in contact with her as well. She will be great and I am excited about the future for this program. We also lost our Corporate Compliance Director on Friday and she left me completely in the lurch for some training she was supposed to write months ago, and did not. So that has me pretty well tweaked as well.
I do know that this year was hard for us with all the things going on back home. My husband’s daughter moved back and is living on her own for the first time. She is extremely needy and it has put a strain on us, well me actually. I resent her in truth, even though I know I should not. But she is manipulative and very, very immature. She has never worked in her life, not even babysitting because she hates children, and does not drive. But it has brought my husband great joy to have her back and I think he loves her neediness. But for me, it is one more thing to have to deal with. The issue is if she has stayed with us, instead of living with her mother who let her do NOTHING, she would have completed college and been driving and having a life. BTW, she turns 26 in September. We are dealing with a 16 year old instead. An example of what we are dealing with is what happened this morning. Because she was the sole heir to the money her mother had, it has created an issue with her uncle, who is a moron. He expected her to give him a huge some of money to save his over mortgaged house. She did not give it to him, which was the right thing to do. As far as we know, there was no agreement that she would from her mother, which is what he is charging her with. His family took her in after her mother passed away and helped her to move up here. She did pay rent and paid him to move her. He is furious and is now spreading crap about her on Facebook. She called this morning all in tears. Honestly, Facebook? We are talking a 50 year old and a 25 year old.
This time of year for me is the end of my year and October is my New Year. There are so many changes happening this next year. My husband turns 65. I turn 62 and will collect my teacher pension. It is not great, but it is something else. We are talking about retirement and what will that look like. Spending 8 days together doing not much showed me I am not ready to retire for awhile. While he is content with playing golf, which he is doing right now, or sitting on the computer playing a game, I am not able to just relax. Even forced relaxation does not happen for me.