A journal of healing

Death of a parent

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Nothing prepares children for the loss of the parents. But it is the way of life to succeed your parents. Somewhere I read that having children was the whole thing about being alive; the sole purpose of your existence. That’s upsetting for someone who is childless. But I do not agree with that statement anyways. There are many reasons for existence which are as individual as the being.

My FIL (father –in-law) is in the beginning stages of dying. I have learned a lot about hospice and there are stages of the dying process. He is near 95 and has had a good and honorable life. He has declined any intervention that would prolong the process. My in-laws are in denial of the situation. I think my husband is the only one who has accepted the inevitable. Hence, there is terrible friction and drama going on with the family.

The issue that makes it worse is my poor MIL (mother-in-law) has Alzheimer’s and it has also progressed. I have been saying we needed to place her in a good memory care unit for years. But I am only an in-law and have been ignored. Now, in crisis, they are scrambling. Someone has to stay with her 24 hours a day. It is a sentence of hell. She can be abusive. She smells and the apartment is hot and also smells. My in-laws have been on their own for too long and the care my MIL has needed has not been provided.

All this tension has brought family issues right up to the surface. My husband is feeling all the neglect he felt as a child. He is being ostracized by his siblings in the process of decision making because he has not been very involved by his choice in the past. This too is hurtful. My BIL is a know-it-all and can be very demanding to the point I have to walk away. My SIL is a princess who has not come to terms with reality. She also has refused to stay overnight with her own mother which is leaving this responsibility on her brothers and their wives. I have stayed twice but I now refuse because she will not stay. They also have no respect for my husband or me.

They found a place for my MIL and they are now in panic mode to get her placed. No one has insisted that my MIL see a doctor in the past couple of years and of course she has put up such a fuss and refused to go. MY FIL gave up fighting her. Now someone has to take her for a physical on Monday. It is not going to be easy but I am so glad because I think they will see there are other issues present. She was diagnosed with breast cancer seven years ago and had a double mastectomy. Her progressive weight loss and decline I think indicates more is going on. But if they had worked with her and got her the medical help and interventions earlier, she may have had a better quality of life in the last year.

My FIL is in kidney failure. I found out yesterday that he had an MI (mild heart attack) a short while ago and it went undiagnosed. Now he has congestive heart failure. He is unable to process the fluid retention he is having. They will make him comfortable but no one has said what needs to be said and that is Hospice Care. They think that is a death sentence and not what it really is, which is the best care he could have right now.

They explained they will discharge him off the floor and are sending him to a “rehab” unit. This is the same place my MIL went to when she broke her hip. The unit is actually a transitional unit and he will probably be admitted to palliative care. MY SIL thinks they are going to get him up and walking around. She said she is going to look for a smaller apartment for him when he comes out in two weeks so he won’t have to worry. She is not dealing with the inevitable and unfortunately she has the power of attorney and health proxy. My BIL was appalled that FIL signed a DNR. I hope they adhere to his wishes which are basically, “take care of your mother and let me go. I am tired.”

I went through absolute hell with my own parents. My Mom died when I was 23 and I was responsible for my father for the next 13 years. My siblings abdicated any responsibility for either except my oldest brother who did all the funeral arrangements and was supportive. It splintered the family and firmed up my resolve to not have anything to do with most of them. A couple of times that they have interjected themselves in my recent life caused only more hardship for my oldest brother and me.

Death is not pleasant for those who remain. That is who the entire funeral and other hoopla is for. The transition of dying is not necessarily horrid. It actually can be beautiful and loving. We all will face it in some factor or another. My husband and I have completed our advanced directives and wills. There is some peace in knowing that it is in place and we have a non-family (lawyer) who will oversee the process and guide my nephew and/or his daughter to do as we wished. I wish comfort for my in laws and I hope someone will supersede my BIL’s and SIL’s lack of reality and ignorance and get them the care they both need.

 

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