A journal of healing

I have a secret

rainbow 5-2015

Tonight I am struggling with keeping my mouth shut. I suffer big time with Chronic Flapping of the Jaw disease. But I am trying so hard to break a bad habit of offering unsought wisdom. I also have a secret to share. I suck most times when it comes to secrets unless they would be harmful for someone to hear. This is not that kind of secret.

I have been reading veraciously Stuart Wilde. I am through about five of his nine or so books. I am learning so much and really connecting with what he is saying. Much of his teachings are based on Taoism, but is also a blend of many other spiritual teachings. I like that his philosophies are a blend and morphed from commonality of many theories. This post is not going to be about what I am reading except one concept.

He proposes that you need to create a structured life of strict discipline to gain control over your life and to push it forward to transcendentalism.  Well, I am not sure if this is what I want as I am not really sure what it is. But also, why do we as humans feel we must always suffer and struggle first to get to a place of bliss and joy? Does that not defeat the purpose?  I have been thinking about this a lot and I am sure I will be writing more on this question.

He says, and I am not quoting, people who talk about their path of spirituality are actually hindering their growth potential.  If you talk about how spiritual you are or try to compare “levels” of being aware, it is like putting a quantitative measure on something that is not measurable in human terms. The only thing that happens is the ego is stroked. And since being spiritual is achieve by completely disengaging the ego; to speak of being spiritual would negate the actuality of someone being spiritual.

Hence, you have to learn to keep your mouth shut. This means that anyone who talks about how to achieve being enlightened is actually creating a false sense of themselves as being enlightened. So how do people learn to become aware? Well the answer is basic: just be. (Someone dear to me is smiling)

This means also to learn to walk away and let people learn on their own, EVEN if you have the answer to their issues. I struggle with this in many ways. I want to fix. But after reading, I see how I am not the one who always has to fix things. Yes I can do it. But it finally struck me that in reality it was about stroking my own ego. It was not always about helping the other person, even though I could convince myself this was so. But it is hard to sit back and shut up.

Tonight was a prime example. My Father-in-law is in the hospital again. It is a repeating situation he does when he is overwhelmed. Instead of seeking help as he should, he makes himself sick and then gets a night in the ED away from his wife of almost 70 years. She has Alzheimer’s. He will be fine by the way, but is spending the night in Observation with a diuretic and a catheter.  Did my in-laws want to listen to me….nope, so I only said something to my husband who was like wow, you were right. What did it serve but to only stroke my ego. My in-laws were wrapped up in the drama and my BIL had my FIL dead and buried with complete kidney failure. He does had stage 4 CKD…(they did not want to know that was Chronic Kidney Disease) someone said it was cancer…I kept my mouth shut. BTW, he will be 96 in October.

Now the hardest thing tonight for me to shut up about was when my BIL started telling me what a Home Care Aide can or cannot do in a private home. He was so off base and I started to argue. My FIL hired one and then fired her for not doing anything. I was not asked about it at all.  I started to argue and then I stopped cold. What was the point? It was not about the aide, it was about control all the way around. And clearly it did not matter at this point.

But it was hard to shut up. And this leads me to my secret. Clearly, none of them have ever shut up long enough or even thought to ask what I do.

My agency has gone through a huge reorganization. We have a new CEO and with that, half of the administrators have been let go. So we are in a big restructuring. We took over a small Home Care Agency two years ago which made us go from one county to seven. We have four divisions which means two licenses and two hospices and multiple therapies and innovative services. We are growing so fast it has been difficult. When I started four years ago I was just a manager with two direct reports and only one area of training. With the new restructure, they are eliminating and regrouping things.  All training programs including the Home Health Aide training, which has always been a separate division, will be grouped under one department.

Tomorrow, there will be an announcement that I am being named Director of Education and Organizational Development. ALL education, all programs, all divisions, and seven direct reports will be my responsibility. I will also have a lot to do with the restructuring and reorganizational process.  And yes, it is all about me and my ego……. Hahaha.




Comments on: "I have a secret" (3)

  1. Fan freaking tastic! CONGRATULATIONS!!


  2. OMG! Yay!!!!! Woohooo!!!!!!


  3. I like the advise given in the first half of this blog, and I feel happy for your new title, congrats!!


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