A journal of healing

Goddess of the garden

Fazzi, Fazzi was a bear. Fazzi, Fazzi pulled out hair. Fazzi, Fazzi, wasn’t fuzzy was it? NOPE. The last three days we were visited by Fazzi Consultants who are the primo home care consultants…. They came as requested by the Mothership. They were going to do an “engagement”, but the reality was it was a witch hunt to cut back positions and duplications from the merger of the two agencies. They visited with everyone on the admin team and then a select few on day one. They visited with the management team at our newly acquired agency day two. Then came back on day three and visited with the next level at our agency. I am on that level.

So with a lot of fear being induced throughout the agencies, this was not a comfortable visit. The preliminary was general oversight and who did what. The new agency reported a stream of infractions of how they do not like us and that we are horrible to them. Then the second stringers chatted about their roles.

There was a lot of consternation about having an audience and who had the most time. I knew the truth was they were visiting the longest with people who are probably going to be assimilated or let go. One includes the educator of the other agency. She is nice to my face, but has made it very clear she is not going to report to me. Except….she is. That was the original plan. She had a 45 minute meeting with Fazzi. I am sure she sang her virtues as she is really well skilled, clinically. She is an NP, but from pediatrics. We do not do peds at all. As far as training, well, again…. It is the adage that if you are a nurse in any form you are also a consummate teacher. I beg to differ.

My appointment this morning was with the other two HR managers. Fazzi ran late, and one of the girls decided to talk about the virtues of Wegmans to Fazzi. Meanwhile the clock is ticking. She clearly had a ½ hour for all three of us and that was it. She started with the other two. One has been there almost 35 years and is looking to retire soon. The other is only there 2 years and does not HAVE to work. So finally she gets around to ask me what I do….and my tongue goes into slow motion. She had to leave very soon. My list is so long I knew I would never get it all out. I clearly (hopefully) express that I am in charge of ALL education at ALL locations at ALL levels. But then when I tried to explain, it got confusing. It did not help that I have the cold from hell and was feeling like absolute crap.

So now I perseverating that the report is going to come back to AXE the unintelligible Manager of Education and Organization Development. I am also very paranoid.

I am writing this because it helps me to package my feelings. This has triggered all sorts of physical issues with me. I am sure that is why I am sick. This swinging blade has been dangling over everyone’s head for the last month when it was announced. The gossip and innuendos are pervasive. To try to explain my perseveration to my fellow managers is futile. They do not know about my PTSD nor much of my personal history. And it will stay that way. They do not understand that I have a horrible complex about being inadequate, especially in a clinical setting. And I worry that the NP at the other agency talked a good game. Clinicians like fellow clinicians. Even though my credentialing is more appropriate for education…it does not matter in this clinical world.

I am going to go sulk, and sniffle out in the garden. I do not want to go to work tomorrow but I have so much happening. I could type something incredibly sarcastic, but the snot is pouring down my face and my head is pounding. I need to sleep….. I mean meditate.


Comments on: "FAZZI, FAZZI was a …" (2)

  1. Fingers crossed! I just cannot imagine the torture everyone is experiencing there…


  2. Big Hug, and hope the best … Have a wonderfull Sunday, nomatter … because you matter !


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