A journal of healing

Potty I had so many titles for this post.  “Which end is up?” “Danger, blast site!” “It’s all water in the end.” All’s well that ends well.”  “Up periscope!”  Can anyone guess what I am prepping for? I have been perseverating about this for about a month.

I have been having some digestive issues…well actually my whole life. It started when I was a kid. My mom’s remedy was horrible and she used it frequently. I think this is one of the reasons I am having such a hard time. It was quite common in the fifties before they had prepared medicine you could get at the store. (If they had them, my mother never used them) Instead it was a humiliating process with hot soapy water. Ghad! Even now I cringe.

I cannot believe I have shared this memory as it had lurked in my head hidden for years. But there it is. I am usually not bothered by tests such as scans, scopes and so forth as I have had several. I was diagnosed about seven years ago with diverticulitis. It is highly probably that it is part of the disease process from my psoriatic arthritis.

About three years ago, I started having real issues. Scary, “I hope I can make it and no one is in the bathroom” moments, that are the nightmare of anyone who has an issue like this. People with IBS and Crohn’s know of what I speak.

When I was a younger woman, it was the fear of a monthly accident.  And I had some horrible moments that including leaving my uterus in a chair in a conference once. I escaped with blood pouring down my legs. “Gee, I hope no one saw.”  Yeah right. I was so prolific that I used carry a drug store of protection with me everywhere along with a change of clothes. Instead of the riding the cotton pony, I would eye ball sheep!

When I had my period medically stopped, it was like a new lease on life. My last period lasted for three months. I was heading for a transfusion when they decided to stop it at first with a shot and then with a procedure. Lucky for me, I went into menopause and never had an issue again with that.

And now, I still am tied to being near a bathroom for a completely different reason. I joked with my friend that we are only changing the need of protection but we came in wearing diapers, went to pads for different reasons and back to diapers, I am sure.

So I am hopeful that the colonoscopy will not discover anything that can’t be easily fixed. I am also hoping to get some help with the digestive issues that are part of the problem.  I am talking about that food comes and goes almost in the same form. I normally eat a high fiber diet: salad, veggies and fruits. Now,  I can eat like that for only so long before I have an issue. Then, the opposite occurs for a while and on it goes in a cycle of on again and then off. Either way, I am in pain much of the time. I am almost used to it.

Like an idiot, I have done research…. It’s what I do. Unfortunately, I have discovered and now it is haunting me that I have every symptom of colon cancer except bleeding, which is fascinating because I am on a blood thinner.  The one that is weird is feeling cold. I never have felt as cold as I have in the past months. It is an internal chill that does not dissipate with warmer clothes or even tea.  The other symptom is losing weight. I have lost about 23 pounds. But I am trying to lose weight. But in all honesty, I am not trying all that hard. And it is coming off.

So I am off from work tomorrow to drink the Kool-Aid, so to speak. I am scheduled early Friday morning for the actual procedure. I took off not only because of the shared bathroom issue, but because I have been a blithering idiot the last two days. Some people know why, but not everyone. I am frightened also that the prep may cause damage. I am actually scared I will have a blowout. And although I am sounding like I am joking, I am not. I won’t sleep much tonight. I just hope everything comes out alright….. literally.

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Comments on: "To Boldly go where no man has gone before……." (3)

  1. Fingers crossed, saying a little prayer for you! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Thank you.

    Like

  3. Fear can also be related … reading your last post first. I met this fear again last Wednesday morning …
    like Victo said “Fingers Crossed”

    Liked by 1 person

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