Today was a really weird day. I felt like I was at odds with people. Ever have a day like that? I of course, was doing nothing wrong…. But it seems that every turn was an argument or discussion. It was beautiful and the temperature hit 84. I thought maybe people were angry because they were inside. I had a couple of meetings that it seemed if I said black, someone had to argue white.
Finally I got home and worked in the yard and had dinner later. As the day ended and a storm was blowing in, I sat under my tree in my garden and just thought about things. The air was beginning to swirl and I have many wind chimes that were ringing their tunes.
As the warm tempest began to build with the sky turning pink and dark I had a time to think about the day.
And like a slap to the forehead, I realized it was me. All me.
I wanted people to just instantly agree with whatever wonderful idea and concept I was pitching in the meetings. I usually have great luck with swaying people to my thoughts. Yes, I can schmooze with the best of them. I come from a family that was very good at this talent. My father made his living as a salesman of many things. My brother sells high end corporate properties. I make my living to some degree developing people, which is a form of selling people on themselves.
My issue is I want to control things. It is not so much about winning, but that is it to some degree. It is about people buying into my world, my rules and my way of thinking.
How freaking arrogant is that?
The truth is it is not about control and it is not about arrogance. It is about safety. And if people fall in line with what I need, I am safe. Arguing is not being safe. Different people’s methods of doing things creates exposure and is unsafe.
Funny how I can see this in other people, but it took a long time for me to see it in me. But recovery starts with identifying the issues and facing them.
Time to work on some releasing.