Present moment

  My writing spot

Every Sunday for the past three years I get up and in the still of the morning I write. Today was no different. I had planned my post for a while and was writing it in my head the past couple of days. I thought I could share my most embarrassing moment.

I wrote four pages this morning. My stomach was turning the whole time.

As I got down the last memory, I realized the wound was still very deep. I was not really sharing a funny story. It was a tale of lies, betrayal, and corruption. There was no humor in what I was writing and there was no way it would be an easy read for anyone.

I decided I was not going to publish it. I may never. I may someday. It does not matter. There is nothing to prove from what happened. I realized the injustice of it all and there is no changing that.  But as I wrote, the anger was gone. I had been angry for a very long time about what happened. What remains is abject sadness.

I was also humiliated beyond any other time in my life. It was the lowest point of my life and I vowed to never get into a situation like that again. I doubt I could.

As I spun all the details out, I realized how really strong I was during that period, especially afterwards. It was nice to reinforce that. It was good to remember who stood beside me and who I could count on. The memory was something that would make me cringe thinking about it. There are few people who know about it and I think it is best that it remains that way.

I was going to write it to show how we all have terrible moments that can be turned around.  If nothing else, I was looking for some release from the shame. I was hoping to find some humor in the retelling. But, it was not funny then, and it is not funny now. I am going to put it back into its dark container of my memory and let it be.

Although it was snowing and grey as I wrote this morning, the day turned out to feel like there was spring in the air. Sadly, there was also a terrible fire in the area. We were out running errands and could see the billowing smoke. It turned out to be a very large kennel that has been here since 1930. I had looked into boarded one of my dogs there a long time ago. The reports are not all in but they did lose animals. How horrible. As I sat in the warming sun watching my fur babies frolic in the snow, I snapped back to the present moment. It’s all we really have.