A journal of healing

My Pac Man life

pacman-2

When I let the dogs out this morning, I noticed they had dug little paths in the snow going off in various directions. They look like the little icons in Pac Man running and then stopping, turning around and going in a different path. The selection was limited because we have so much snow. I watched and thought, this is what I feel like lately.

I am at loose ends again with seemingly no direction. I wonder if there will ever come a time when I won’t feel like that. I would think at this point of my life, I could relax and not worry about “things”.

Winter is not a great time for me and at this point I am so done with the snow. We are expecting a big storm again starting today, into all day tomorrow with snow fall up to fifteen inches and ending with a coating of ice. I can hardly wait. ::sarcasm::

I started fretting about it yesterday, turning myself into a raging bitch by late morning. My husband and I went to do our weekly shopping and so did the entire world.  We were all in the smallest of all the Wegmans. People had that glazed look as they would stop in an aisle and ponder the plethora of soups. I like to go quickly and I am a no-nonsense chic when shopping. Get in and get out. Yesterday, the plodding of the other shoppers was like the little ghosts in Pac Man that would impede the passageways.

I do not want to drive in it tomorrow. Bottom line: I am terrified of driving in snow lately. I am not sure when that all started, but I have to drive ten miles one way to my job. I have hills and curves, open fields of blowing snow and rush hour lunacy to contend with. By the time I get either to work or home, I am a mess with all my muscles in a clinch so bad they burn.

This is on top of the fact that I have not had a shot so my PsA is raging, which is a perfect way to describe it. So if I got stuck, I would be done. I can barely walk right now into the building at work, and that is when they plow. Last week, the plow guy never came and we all were stuck in the lot waiting for the environmental facilities guys to dig us individually out so we could drive home.

Right now, fear is my biggest ghost. But I do not have the strength to fight it. What is even worse is I don’t care. I would like to hole up in bed for the rest of the month, but then I am in so much pain that I cannot sleep, so that is not an option. Just lying there is great for about two hours and then I hurt from that.

And this is all because of the idiots who I had to deal with from the drug company. I took one of my stash of other shots (Enbrel) on Thursday with the doctor’s permission. The nurse who called read the note he wrote wrong and at first told me that I couldn’t. She called back about five minutes later after I had been crying in my frustration and apologized that she had read the note incorrectly and that I could take the shot. Again, what if she had not reread it? What if it was life threatening and she reads it wrong? Holy crow, this is what is out there. The Enbrel did not work, which is why we are switching to this new shot (Simponi) which was so screwed up in the shipping of it. I do not even know if this Simponi is going to work until I take it enough. I have to wait another two and half weeks to even order the next round. I should be a hot mess by then.

So why do I not just stay home tomorrow? Fear and guilt. We never close and the guilt stems from the visiting clinicians who still have to go out and make house visits. But I am not thirty years old and they chose that job.

All these little ghost popping up and stopping me. I always loved that sound that Pac Man made when he was defeated. That is how I feel …….   Rrrrrreeennnnrrennnnrn….. ::gone::

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