A journal of healing

snow 2014

This last week was a very interesting week. It had a mixture of joy and also a reality check. I am two months away from my favorite time of the year. The anticipation is almost as good as a young child waiting for their birthday. But today, I am up early sitting at my table with my cat purring to my left and a hot cup of coffee to my right. The doggies are snuggled up in their couch beds and hubby is asleep. There is an ominous bank of dark clouds to the west and the light is filled with that gloom the proceeds a snow storm. The forecast is calling for over a foot today and into tonight with more tomorrow. I do not have to go anywhere until tomorrow morning and I am not going to start to worry until tonight.  For now, my bliss is radiating and warming my heart.

I am trying to enjoy the simple good things in my life. I had a kick in the head this week which prompted me to revisit things. My mother-in-law (MIL) has Alzheimer’s. She has gotten very bad since Christmas or maybe she was then but there was so much going on I did not noticing. This week, my Father-in-law (FIL) went to emergency for chest pains. Turned out to be GERD and was fine, but they kept him overnight. Someone had to stay with MIL. My hubby and I were elected. I want to spend about an hour on the selfishness of my sister-in-law, but that will change my mood and so I am not going there.

My MIL is a sweet little French woman. When I met her six years ago, she was sharp, funny and impeccable about her looks. She went to the hairdresser every week, had her nails done, and dressed with simplicity and elegance. She and FIL lived in Florida and we could not afford to come down and visit. They moved up here after she had surgery for breast cancer. It changed her.

Now she cannot remember her own children. Funny, she knows who I am completely. I make her laugh. She does not do much of that. I also listen to her. Her family does not deal with her well. She does not take care of herself at all anymore. She smells and her hair is a mess. She does not remember she is hungry or when she has eaten or had something to drink. She constantly repeats the same five questions over and over. It is hell for my FIL who is 94.His guilt runs so deep that he will not put her in a memory care unit where she really needs to go. My brother-in-law had it all set up but again, my SIL stopped it. She won’t do anything to help and does not want her inheritance to be spent on more expensive care. Again, I am not going there right now. So they two of them watch TV at full blast because they cannot hear, eat the over-salted crappy food served in the dining room or delivered and sleeping. They do not go out as it is too much for my MIL.

My wake-up call is that this is my future: Living in a tiny apartment with no future but death. It could make anyone crazy. So with whatever I have left, I want to make it good. I do not think I will live as long as they are either. They were very healthy until the last five years. They had a good life. My FIL retired at 55 from the post office with a healthy pension from there. They traveled and participated in life with all the gusto they had. This disease has robbed them of those pleasures.

My MIL does not do well with a lot of people in the room, and yet, every holiday we pack fifteen or more people in the tiny apartment. My husband is the worst for spending time with them. He never goes over. There is a lot of painful history for him which he will not share. But when the chips are down, his parents call him. He spent 24 hours with his Mom this week and it was very difficult, but he came home also a lot more appreciative of what he has.

Another event this week was the situation with my shot. After haggling with the pharmacy every night for two weeks for hours, they said they were going to ship on Saturday. Saturday came and went and no shipment. I called my doctor’s office on Monday, who called them and they said they did ship. And they did…but the delivery was left upstairs by the door we do not use tucked away where we did not see it. So it sat outside in subfreezing temperatures for two days. It was ruined. I thought they had lied to me as they had been doing for two weeks, so I did not look for it when it was not where they always put it. I have been receiving shipments at the lower front door for 15 years. They will not ship another. This shot costs over $1800.00 so I am SOL. My pain level has steadily increased to the point I cannot sleep for more than four-hour blocks. My ankles and knees are giving out and my neck feels like it has two screws that are being turned daily. I am grateful that there is something out there that will help to lower this pain. If this was thirty years ago, I would not have much choice but to suffer. No wonder people drank rheumatism medicine. I have a stash of my old prescription shot in the refrigerator which is good for two years and I am going to take one of those for now. It does not work as well as the new shot, but it is something.

The bright spot of the week is I have a new office at work. My old office was in the upstairs center of the building. I had no natural light at all. I had three incandescent lamps on to create the feeling of natural light. My new office is huge and has a window. I do not have a door, but I did not before either. It is walled off with cabinets that face the hall for another department. It was a large space where the Meals on Wheels volunteers had but they have been moved to a new area. We are growing so big that the whole building is be rearranged. When I was approached about the move, I asked about the space and they were thrilled to put me there. They built it exactly to my specification which was wonderful.  I was the first office and now it will create a change of movement. They move someone in on Monday to “the hole”, my old office. My new place is twice the size and I have a window. The roof of the building is the ceiling so I can hear it rain and storm. We can hear the geese honking as they fly over. But I could not see anything. I would have to find a spot to go to if I wanted to see what was happening outside. This was the window I would go to. It was meant to be mine. I left the new place a mess on Friday with all the boxes still packed. I was too sore to unpack after moving in. It will be my project this week. It will really make a difference for me at work. Where I was before, everyone can hear you breathe as I was surrounded by other cubbies. I could not make a phone call, or listen to music or forest sounds, which I like. No plants would grow in the lack of light. Even the overhead fluorescent lights were turned off because the girl behind me got headaches. It was so dark with dull grey cloth panels for walls. My new office is pale green and one wall is very pale blue and looks white. I have more cabinets and space. I have places for my photography. Did I say it has a window?

I had my first meeting with our CEO also this week. She is a sharp lady. She was very pleased as I came prepared with my 2015 year work plan. I was right in line with her thoughts so we hit it off great. She is a no-nonsense nurse who wants to be involved directly with her agency. I like her. Things are going to get shaken up pretty quickly and the Crone Mafia better be prepared. One QA nurse who had 43 years there was offer the opportunity to retire and leaves this week. The CEO, named Jane, also shared her amazing weight loss of over 150 pounds. She was very encouraging. She knows how hard it is. She said I can come for encouragement anytime.

And on that point, I have lost almost 12 pounds for my first month. WW is coming in and doing a meeting starting on Tuesday and I am signing up. I will keep my online account as well. We had a party on Thursday with two chocolate cakes. I took two pieces, ate about a third of each and wrapped them up to chew on. The next day I took two mouthfuls, and threw them out. This is significant for me because chocolate cake is my favorite food. I have discovered that a taste is often enough. Even the hubby is getting into it now at home. He is not as dedicated, but he is dropping a few pounds here and there.

My cat is  bathing herself and singing away. Magoo did not come out of her room for almost a year and when we had construction done last year, she went back to hiding. For her to spend every morning with me is a treat. It is already snowing now, so I am sure the forecast will change with more snow. I would seriously think about calling in tomorrow, but I have a new office to set up. Did I tell you it has a window?

Advertisements

Comments on: "Musings on a dark Sunday Morning" (1)

  1. Woohoo for 12 pounds down and offices with windows! 🙂

    Like

What do you think?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: