A journal of healing

The eyes have it

eyes    Today I feel like I reached the bottom, which is fine and now I am on the way up again. So true confessions, there was more going on with my life which I did not share because I did not know all the facts. Something occurred today, which has swung the pendulum. One thing I have learned in the past three years “hang on, nothing stays the same.”

The short story is on New Year’s Eve, I went for an eye appointment to get new glasses. It has been four years and my glasses broke right in half. I had an old pair which was great. Seems my prescription for the past ten years has not changed much. Wonderful!

However this time, the doctor found an anomaly in my eye. She said my optic nerve was enlarged. I made an instant appointment to see a specialist. And then, being who I am, I started Googling.

Turns out that the condition has a variety of names, none of which I knew. Seems the cause of this condition can be from medication, blood pressure, fluid, spinal fluid, and the one that stuck with me…..being obese, which is called papilledema. When I read that, I was devastated and furious. I cannot find anywhere what the connection is and why this can cause this condition.

The first technician I saw today looked at the readings and info from the first doctor and said she felt the readings indicated a normal range. But the Doctor said to do tests anyways. So I went through a battery of tests for about an hour. I had different drops and stared at all sorts of bright things.

This was all fine. Leading up to the appointment was not. All the information I read was….well, it just added to the failure I have been feeling about myself lately. I felt “I did this. I deserved it. If I was thinner, this would not be an issue.” No one can beat themselves up like I can. It was a week of this and it got worse and worse. I would check something on google during work and get upset and then come home and read it again, only adding to my angst.

The bottom line is this. I do not have papilledema. I have the markers for MAYBE glaucoma…. Or it is just the way my eye cup is. She said do not lose any sleep. I asked her if this had anything to do with being fat. She just laughed (nicely) and said no. It may be nothing at all, but without any past history she can’t tell. I may have been born with this enlarged opening. She said to just make sure I have an eye exam every year. We are going to do more baseline readings also. She said actually my eyes were healthy, pressure and depth and thickness of the cornea all were fine. I finally let out my breath.

I had been seeing the same eye doctor my husband had for years. I saw him for about 8 years. Last year, my hubby had to have surgery for cataracts that were so bad, one eye was almost totally occluded. And of course, my husband did not say anything. When they went in, it was much worse than they thought and he was under the knife for an hour…. for a fifteen minute surgery. He is now also seeing someone else.

If I had a vision loss of any kind, I would have known it. I am fanatical about my eyes. I am a photographer. I express myself though the lens. (I don’t post many here) I do so much with my eyes that they are absolutely precious to me. The punishment I put myself through this past week just is a demonstration of what people like me do to themselves.

The upshot of all this is I have this safety net in place to help me protect my eyes. I am ok with her prognosis and diagnosis as she was pretty convincing that this really was not an issue, but preventative.

And I think I finally faced up to some challenges I have about my health. So with this hurtle out of the way, I think things I will start to pick myself up again. I am up for the challenge.

Comments on: "The eyes have it" (5)

  1. I’m not sure nobody beats up on themselves as much you say you do. We may be neck and neck in that.
    It’s scary as my body and my husbands body age. And in the winter it’s especially hard to keep my head about water by confronting the negative voices that daily clamor in my head. (hence the first tendency about anything is to attack myself)

    Everything to do with what happens to my body and engaging with virtual strangers while getting care from them terrifies me, and I say virtual because most of them I see only yearly and really don’t ‘know’ them. And it’s dam hard to find a practitioner who encompasses the qualities I need; capability, compassion and gentleness. Seems like they come one in a million.

    But that woman who gently laughed with kindness about your blaming your eye condition on something you felt was your fault… she sounds like a keeper.

    I have to have cataracts removed in both eyes and probably sooner than later. That terrifies me. But I found out with that last colonoscopy, that I meet with the anesthesiologist first and the right one can allow me to pre-medicate with anti-anxiety meds and also gives me the right anesthesia for my needs which far exceeds what most others need due to my adrenaline which shoots off the charts from terror.

    The one thing I try to remind myself during a moment of calm is how far our medical has progressed, and that these things that terrify me once weren’t even available. It’s still hard though when issues come up. Daily life is hard enough.


  2. Oop, I forgot the most important thing, good luck with everything!


  3. Thank you for your good wishes. And I am going to write about my self inflicted :beating up” because it is as bad as I say and actually worse. But I am working on it . It is all part of the package. 🙂 Keep in touch.


  4. Well, I understand the beating up part, I do it too and work at trying to see something positive. Why is it I know all I did wrong and think of nothing right? or see mistakes, not successes?


  5. 🙂 up, up and away!


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