My word for this morning is despondent. I was not going to go there and write about it and then I thought, well holy crap….this is what this blog is for. Then, I realized I was dancing again to try to please people instead of being real and in MY present moment. It is a life-long habit that creates a cyclical situation. I feel something, I stuff it down because I am not supposed to feel anything that displeases others, it begins to build up from being stuffed down and then at the wrong time, I erupt or break down, and then the remorse begins or the self-loathing plays in…. Repeat cycle.
I was going to write about how I got this way but decided not to. Who cares? It is what it is. The major reason is that I take on everyone else’s issues as if what people think and say is the Holy Gospel. I have been like this my whole life. It sets me up as the perfect fool for predators. Because I am a terrible judge of people and I trust too easily. I want to trust people. I have never figured out the pleasure people get in swindling and lying.
I wrote a whole bunch more about people who suffer and tried to explain self-medication and addictions, but then….. People do not care about that… they just see the failure in others because it elevates them.
There is also a part of me that wants to persuade people to see my point of view. What arrogance is that? An example of this is my campaign for body acceptance. That will be a battle I will never win, but I won’t give up on it either. It does set me up to become frustrated and despondent. So it the short order of it, I do this to myself.
The problem is I FEEL so much. Period.