A journal of healing


rain clouds'

My word for this morning is despondent. I was not going to go there and write about it and then I thought, well holy crap….this is what this blog is for. Then, I realized I was dancing again to try to please people instead of being real and in MY present moment. It is a life-long habit that creates a cyclical situation. I feel something, I stuff it down because I am not supposed to feel anything that displeases others, it begins to build up from being stuffed down and then at the wrong time, I erupt or break down, and then the remorse begins or the self-loathing plays in…. Repeat cycle.

I was going to write about how I got this way but decided not to. Who cares? It is what it is. The major reason is that I take on everyone else’s issues as if what people think and say is the Holy Gospel. I have been like this my whole life. It sets me up as the perfect fool for predators. Because I am a terrible judge of people and I trust too easily. I want to trust people. I have never figured out the pleasure people get in swindling and lying.

I wrote a whole bunch more about people who suffer and tried to explain self-medication and addictions, but then….. People do not care about that… they just see the failure in others because it elevates them.

There is also a part of me that wants to persuade people to see my point of view. What arrogance is that? An example of this is my campaign for body acceptance. That will be a battle I will never win, but I won’t give up on it either. It does set me up to become frustrated and despondent. So it the short order of it, I do this to myself.

The problem is I FEEL so much. Period.


Comments on: "Despondent" (4)

  1. “That will be a battle I will never win, but I won’t give up on it either.” You’re talking about it which is the first step. Don’t give up on yourself. You’re worth more than that. I’m sorry you’re struggling and I appreciate your honesty with where you’re at. I like that better than blowing smoke up peoples asses! 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you, and days like this will pass. But it helps more than you know when people comment especially with supportive and compassionate messages. Thank you so much.


  2. risinghawk said:

    Even the “Holy Gospel” isn’t gospel, and what people say is even farther from it. There is nothing that you could do and no way that you could change that would prevent people from saying hurtful things – I have neighbors that resent me for being in shape! There is no “win” if we are looking to others for act/react in the way that we desire or expect – it never works, it just causes us constant disappointment. I wish that I could say that I have mastered “not giving a damn,” but I still allow outside influences to determine my value far too often. I feel for you, in that I know so well the feeling of despondency, the “what’s the point,” the depression. I often must remind myself that I have zero control over the results of my actions, or what others may think – my only responsibility is to how I think and the intentions of my efforts. I wish, and hope and pray that you quickly reach that better day. Peace . . .

    Liked by 1 person

  3. To feel is a good thing, though often painful. And yes, we do it to ourselves. But I would rather know pain and frustration, than feel nothing at all.
    Had to come looking for you and some other long time favorites this morning. It appears my reader is broken again. Peace to you, Jane.


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