A journal of healing

Grateful Lessons

pumpkins  “Pumpkins”  photo by jdemeis@2014

Today is another day and completely different than yesterday. Although I still felt cruddy, I went to work. I did not sleep more than two hours at a time because I was in so much pain. But today was the life lesson I needed to witness. Everything we do in life is a choice. I am a lifelong learner and so I prefer to look at things as lessons to grab hold off. There were several lessons to learn about yesterday.

The first lesson is everything shall pass. Good times and bad. Yesterday was the measurement of bad so I know when I have it good. If things were always static, we would never know anything better or worse. That would be boring. But nothing lasts forever. Nothing! So good passes to not good and back again. Life is ebb and flow and I must learn to be like the River more and go with it.

Lesson two: I realized last night how I was holding on to the indiscretion of my husband’s family. They have no idea what they did nor would they understand that it was wrong. They just figured if someone else will do it, so be it. And so I stepped into the role. They will never know what their treatment felt like because they do it to each other all the time. I realized this is where my husband picked up the trait from. I have spent the last almost twelve years breaking him of this. (Yikes, I did not realize we have been together that long.) I was the one who punished me. But it is over and I need to move on and let it go. I also know that it is my trait to help out. I am the first to offer a hand. I would rather have that as a trait. I am too sensitive and I know it, but I am not going to change that. I can change my reaction.

Lesson three: I needed new glasses anyways. See what I said that nothing lasts forever. The old glasses will work until my new flexible spending account kicks in.

Lesson Four: My fast reaction to the flea problem is working. The cat allowed me to comb her and was flea free. I will be able to let her out of her room in time for Turkey which she dearly loves. The dogs are clean and fine. I am thinking we will be fine. And if not, I will just get new collars for them. They were expensive, but they worked.

Lesson Five: I am very grateful. When you show gratitude and feel grateful, things resolve. My new drug arrived and true to what people said, it works damn fast. My pain level is down already. Amazing! When I am in pain, I am pain. I am terrible. I should just close the door to my room and hide from people when I get like that. I really go crazy from the fear and the total body pain. But today, there was a reward. I was meeting with a lady who is not particularly fair and has been known to do some rather rotten things to me professionally. But we still meet and play kiss-kiss. Turns out her daughter may have psoriatic arthritis. She did not know I had it. She was shocked actually. So I must mask it better than I thought. It was nice to be able to educate her on the dx….she has her Masters in nursing…. She never lets me forget it. (I have a Masters in Education, so what?) Today Margaret was very concerned. It was comforting because she is my direct report and we are chummy but not cozy. For her to display concern and compassion was very nice. I was walking like a letter C and she said that was how she knew I was really in pain. And then she added I never really show it normally. So yeah for me. I never want this disease to be all I am.

I am probably going to take a break from writing for a day or two because of the holiday. I am working tomorrow and the only sr. manager in the building on Friday. I plan on just chillin’ and chompin’. My husband and I are spending the day cooking and enjoying the dogs. I am grateful for the calm day instead of massive craziness with family.

I am also grateful for all the people who I have met while blogging. Some old friends from my old blog, “There is no bang” and the new friends from this blog. I am grateful for the support and the shared compassion. May you all have a blessed and wonderful holiday.


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