A journal of healing

Pity Party

Last night I was having a pity party. I am trying very hard to keep this blog more about the science and spiritual components that I have learned along the way. Things have been building up for me and last night was not a happy night. It happens.

I decided to read other blogs for a while. I am amazed how many blogs there are out there about childhood trauma, sexual abuse, domestic violence and more. I usually do not talk about my history to many people including my friends. Some know some things. I admit, I carry a lot of shame and I need to work on it. I was astounded how many women bravely told their story as part of their healing.

I feel strongly about not identifying myself as a victim but as a fighter. I really want to make sense of all this not only for myself but for others. It is important to me. It is how I heal.

One of the things that I will get into more in future blogs is the correlation to disease and trauma. That was what started me out on this journey in the first place. I know several other bloggers who have shared the relationship to their pain levels and stress and how it has impacted their bodies.

Today, I found out some good news and some not so good news. The good news is that the increase in pain I have been having and other complications I wrote about in a past blog were explained to me. I like to understand the pathology of the Psoriatic Arthritis (PsA) I have. It sounds so basic. I hurt, I have arthritis. Nope, it is not that simple. This is an auto-immune disease which means it attacks many things. It is currently incurable and it will only get worse. In me, it has caused kidney stones, which form from the build-up of uric acid, a by-product of the turnover of cells because of the PsA. Who knew? I pop kidney stones like a goose. I have a high threshold of pain. (Which is good because I have a lot of it) Now it seems that the inflammation has spread in to my colon and digestive tract and I have colitis. Whoopee…. I have some new deterioration to some of the joints, and that is to be expected. But it has made walking painful.

So the good news is there are newer drugs out there and we are going to give them a try. I had very good luck in the past eight years with Enbrel, but it seems I have out grown it. This is ok as there are other treatments and this is my third time switching to something new. It will work.

I was pretty worried the last couple of weeks. Now that I know what is going on, I can handle it. It is like not knowing what causes triggers. Or why you react to some things and not to others. It is similar to the frustration of not having all the pieces of a memory. I firmly believe that in some cases chronic illness can be brought on by trauma and if nothing else, the trauma induced stress will exacerbate the disease process.

Work on calming the limbic systems, lessen the flow of toxic chemicals like cortisol, it will cool the jets of inflammation and voila…healing.

Well that’s my hope and my journey.


Comments on: "Pity Party" (2)

  1. Sorry you in pain.


  2. Pity party, or rest break. Sometimes I need to just stop and figure out what’s going on, or slow down long enough to notice and harder for me, show myself kindness and compassion. My body just can’t go, go, go like others around me. How could it? I carried so much inside for so long, something has to take a hit, and my body has.

    Even doctors are seeing the link between emotions/the spirit and physical health.

    Though you heard or read there is no cure, that it only gets worse…well, maybe. The medical profession says lots of things then the patient defies them.

    I found more relief from meditation than all the years of therapy, though therapy was invaluable too.

    My auto-immune system is not 100% because I tried to keep pace with others but at the same time raged inside with emotions such as shame and rage. My body as well as my mind attacked itself. None of the broken parts came together.

    The shame is not mine nor yours either. But I know my telling you that won’t help much until you feel it within you. The head can know one thing, but it’s that sacred place inside…the spirit? soul? the center? it’s that place that also needs to really ‘know’… I hope that comes for you. The burden of shame you say you still feel is not yours to carry.


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